Click-N-Comment (R)ated Monday Morning

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all

Six months after a waiter died, his widow went to see a
medium, who promised she would contact the man in the great beyond.

During the seance, the widow was sure she saw her husband standing in
the corner, dressed in his waiter's outfit. "Arnold!" she cried. "Come
closer and speak to me!" A ghostly voice drifted from the corner... "I
can't. It's not my table."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The priest met him one day, and
gave him a strong lecture about drink.

He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get
smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse."

This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and
said to his wife, "Bridget.... if you should notice me getting smaller
and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
The little boy had been taken for a trip to the zoo by his grand-
father and later to TasteeFreeze for some ice cream. When he
came home his mother asked, "Did you thank your grandfather
for taking you to the zoo and buying you ice cream?"

The boy didn't answer. His mom looked to see if he had his
hearing aids on. Yes, he did.

So she asked him a second time, "I said, did you thank Granddad
for taking you to the zoo and buying you ice cream?"
Still he didn't answer.
"I know you have new batteries. You answer me, young man!" she
finally said, exacerbated. "Did you thank your grandfather? "
"Yes," the little boy said at last."
"Well, why didn't you say so?" asked his Mom.
"Because he said, 'Don't mention it!'"

In a large Florida city, the local rabbi developed quite a reputation
for his sermons; so much so that everyone in the community came every
Shabbos. Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island
for his nephew's Bar Mitzvah. But he didn't want to miss The Rabbi's
sermon. So he decided to hire a "Shabbos goy" to sit in the
congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he
returned. Other congregants saw what was going on, and they also
decided to hire "Shabbos goys" to tape the sermon so they could play
golf instead of going to shul. Within a few weeks time there were 500
gentiles sitting in shul taping the Rabbi. The Rabbi got wise to
this. The following Shabbos he, too, hired a Shabbos goy who brought
a tape recorder to play his prerecorded sermon machines. Witnesses
said this marked the first incidence in history of "artificial
insermonation.
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Jill was using a power strip to plug her computer and other devices
into. Windows was completely frozen, and she was unable to shut down
the machine by using the power button. She phoned for computer help
and mentioned the power strip to tech support. The tech told her to
flip it off. Jill said, "OK, I gave it the finger. I feel much
better. Now what do I do?"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
My name is Tom, and my wife Kathy and I just celebrated our 20th
anniversary. I remember something that happened three weeks after we
got married. She was working at a restaurant called "Tom's Place" and
usually answered the phone and took orders there. She dragged home
from work very late one night, very tired, and crawled into bed. A
short time later, about midnight, a friend called on the phone.
Without hesitating, she grabbed the phone and answered "Tom's Place,
can I help you? " then groggily handed the phone to me. My friend's
first comment was "Dang, Tom, only three weeks! You sure got her
trained fast! "
@>`~~~~>,~~~
25 Signs Showing You Might Be Canadian
1. You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK".
2. You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just
dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield. "
3. You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.
4. You drink Pop, not Soda.
5. You know that a Mickey and 24's mean, "party at the camp, eh!!!"
6. You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for
your holidays, with good cigars.
7. You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.
8. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
9. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
10. You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical
group.
11. You get excited whenever an American television show mentions
Canada.
12. You brag to Americans that; Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion &
Mike Myers are Canadians.
13. You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!
14. You know what a toque is.
15. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
16. You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always
pronounced "Zed".
17. Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages, but
requires 6 pages for hockey.
18. You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still
winter, and road work.
19. You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.
20. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
21. You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan" .
22. You perk up when you hear the theme song from 'Hockey Night in
Canada'.
23. You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
24. "Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more
polite than, "Huh?"
25. You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all of your
Canadian friends!
(Then you send them to your American friends just to confuse them!


A couple were going at it in a barn down on the farm. I the process, the
condom slipped off. The guy pokes around inside her with a straw and
manages to lose that too.
Nine months later the doctor enters the waiting room where the father
asks him what the baby is.
Doctor replies "It's a little bastard dressed in a raincoat and a straw
hat."

@>`~~~~>,~~~
"Darling," whispered a frail little husband from his chair. "I'm very
sick, would you please call me a vet?"
"A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a medical doctor?"
asked his wife.
The husband replied, "Because I work like a horse, live like a dog, and
have to sleep with a silly cow!"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.
"Do you wash?" the doc asked the rank young girl.
"Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and wash
down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and wash up as far up
as possible."
"Well," the doc concluded, "go home and wash possible."
A woman was walking down the high street when
she was stopped by a man who was carrying out
a survey.
"Excuse me, Madam, we're doing a survey on
peoples' attitudes towards sex."
"Really!" said the woman smiling.
"Could you please tell me what you think of sex on
the television?"
"Well," replied the woman, "I think it's extremely uncomfortable,
especially when you've got a vase stuck up your arse!"



Your Honor," she told the judge, "I want a divorce.
My husband has been cheating on me.
"That is a serious accusation," the judge said.
"Do you have any evidence to substantiate this
claim of your husband's infidelity?"
"Yes, Your Honor. Just last night I was walking down
Broadway when I saw him go into a movie with another
woman."
"Who was this other woman?" the judge asked.
"I don't know. I never saw her before." "Then why
didn't you follow them into the theatre and find
out who she was. It may have been just a harmless
coincidence. You should have gone in after them."
"I would have," she explained,
"but the fellow I was with had already seen the picture."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Our instructor was lecturing about self-examination of the breast or
testicles when a female student asked another male student and me if we
ever got an erection while we did self- examination of our testicles.
We answered that it was possible that we had. You know, you don't
really want everyone to know when you get aroused. She then asked, "What
do you do about it?" We said in unison, "Nothing, why?" She then say,
"You mean you go around with a hard penis all day?" We said no way! She
then states, "You mean a man's penis will go down without having an
orgasm?" We both said yes. At which time she says, "I'm going to kill my
husband!"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Several years ago Bob and Ruthie went to Chicago and took their
4- year-old granddaughter, Adrienne, with them. They all had a
wonderful time and were amazed at how good Adrienne was since she had
never been away from home without her siblings. On the way home they
missed a turn and had to pull over and check the map. Adrienne
immediately said, "I just want to know one thing - if ya'll don't
know how to get me back home, why did we go?"

A man sat at a bar, drinking slow. On his face was the saddest
hangdog _expression. The bartender asked, "What's the matter? Are
you having troubles with your wife?" The man said, "We had a fight,
and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
The bartender said, "That should make you happy." The man said, "No,
the month is up today!"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
I came down with laryngitis last week. This was the day our fifth
grade class was going on a field trip to the zoo and I did not want
to miss it, so I went to school in spite of having lost my voice. The
highlight of the visit to the zoo was the time we spent in the
petting zoo. While I was petting a baby Shetland Pony, my teacher
asked, "How are you feeling today?." I responded, "I'm feeling a
little horse."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words
chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand
to participate. She gave him the words 'defeat, ' 'deduct, '
'defense, ' and 'detail. ' Jack stood seriously for a while with all
eyes focused on him awaiting his reply: "'Defeat of deduct went over
defense before detail! ''
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
The two men pushed through the half-open door and stepped out of the
foggy London streets and into the brightly-lit entryway of the silent
house. There was no indication of a struggle. Everything was neat and
in its proper place. They moved silently down the hall, scrutinizing
the sitting room, the dining room and the office. Nothing caught the
eye of the great detective. At last they came to the darkened
kitchen. Not a sound was heard. Light from a gas lamp outside that
window poured into a rectangle in the middle of the floor. There it
was, perfectly placed in the middle of the yellow box of light: an
overturned box of cornstarch. "Aha, Watson," said Holmes, "the plot
thickens."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
After 40 years, a Jewish mother finally got her citizenship papers
and proudly registered to vote. Well, Mother received a notice to
report for jury duty, and was not only selected for a jury but was
elected the foreman. It was a criminal case. A husband had shot his
wife's lover, but only grazed his arm. The jury was out for over four
hours before returning. Everyone waited with bated breath as the
judge asked Mother whether the jury had reached a verdict. Mother
stood up, and firmly replied, "We have, your honor, we decided not to
butt in."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Weird Fact :
Penguins are birds.


A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him . He came up to the doorstep of " a house of ill repute " and knocked on the door ..When the Madam answered it , she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted ? He said " I want to have sex with one of the women inside , I have the money to pay for it , and I am not going to leave until I get it . " The Madam figured , why not , so she told him to come inside . Once inside , she told him to pick any one of the girls he liked . He asked , " Do any of the girls have any diseases ? " Of course the Madam said " NO !! " He said , " I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love to Amber " " That's the girl I want . " Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it , the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right . He headed down the hall still dragging the squashed frog behind him . Ten minutes later he came back , still dragging the frog , paid the Madam , and headed towards the door ..The Madam stopped him and asked , " Why on earth did you pick on the only girl in the place that has a disease , instead of one of the others ?? " He said , well if you must know , when I get home tonight , my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner and are leaving me at home with the baby-sitter " " After they leave home, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be fond of having sex with cute little boys . She will then get the disease that I just caught . When Mum and Dad get back , Dad will take the baby-sitter home . On the way he will give her one in the car and he`ll catch the disease as well . Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters , he and Mum will go to bed and have sex , and Mum will catch the disease as well . In the morning when Dad goes to work , the Milkman will deliver the milk , have a quickie with Mum and he will also catch the disease , and HE is the BASTARD that ran over my FROG!!!!!! "