Sumptin' fer Saturday

Nun
The parish priest very furtively calls the mother superior into his
office.
This is how their conversation went:
"Sister, I want to show you something."
"What is it, Father?
"Come into my private room & close the blinds."
"WHAT?!"
"I said....."
"I heard what you said - I just can't believe you're saying it!"
"Well, I really need you to come in."
Curious, the nun does as she is told.
"Here, sit on the bed beside me."
"I have to get out of here."
"Aren't you the least bit curious?"
Well, the nun was so she sat down beside him.
"Get under the covers."
"WHAT?????!!!!!"
The nun was really freaking out.
"It doesn't work otherwise!"
After much coaxing, the nun does get under the covers with him.
He whispers: "Come closer."
Nervously, she does get closer.
"See," the priest whispers gleefully, "my new wtch does glow in the
dark!!!!"
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The Marine General's inspection visit could not have gone better. The
General himself was personally skilled with firing weapons and, in the
past, had won every marksman award the Marines had to offer. While
working with one Marine, the General quizzed him how many rounds should
be fired at one time. "SIR! Six to eight, SIR." "Very good, Marine. How
do you calibrate that weapon to fire six to eight rounds?" The Marine
hesitated a little bit, then said, "SIR! Would you be offended if I told
you how we calibrate our weapons when I was in the Fleet Marine Force?"
"No, of course not, son." "SIR! We pull the trigger and say, 'Die,
mother fucker, die,' as it takes 6 to 8 rounds to say that
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When I lived in an apartment complex, a good
friend of mine lived there also and decided
it was time for her to get a boob job. Since
I'd been through it, she asked me to go with
her.
Everything went well, and that summer we were
both at the pool getting some sun.
One of the regular guys in our group, who'd
had his eye on my girlfriend for some time,
said to me, "There's something different about
your friend this year, but I can't quite put
my finger on it."
After I finished laughing, I said, "And you
probably never will either!"




One day a 5th grade class was taking a field trip but the weather was
extremely bad and the trip was to be delayed and they had to stay in a hotel
for the night. So Little Johnny was sleeping in the same room as his
teacher.

In the middle of the night the teacher woke up and was frightened by the
sight of Johnny standing right over her.
He asked if he could sleep with her cause he couldn't sleep.
She said okay, then Johnny asked to lay a little closer and she said okay.
Then he asked if he could put his finger in her belly button and she said
"NO"
"But my mommy lets me do it when I can't sleep and it helps."
So the teacher says, "Okay fine, do whatever your mom lets you do.
A few minutes later the teacher says "OH. that's not my bellybutton. "
And Johnny says, "that's not my finger."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A very talented inventor devised an artificial pussy. You could
not distinguish it from the real thing. Realizing what a money
maker he had devised, he approached a sea captain who was
embarking on a six month cruise. He made an agreement with the
captain to split the profits 50/50 and charge each sailor $2.00 to utilize
it.
Upon the end of the voyage the inventor was standing on the
pier awaiting the ship. The ship tied up and the captain came
down the gangway. The two embraced and the inventor asked,
"How much did we make?"
The captain reached in his pocket, drew out a dollar bill and
handed it to the inventor.
The inventor blew his stack and screamed, "What the hell, one
dollar! You mean to tell me they didn't like it?"
The captain responded: "No, that's not the way it was.
The first guy liked it so much he ate it."


Top 10 Things Not to Say to Your Girlfriends Parents

10. Gee, Pops, you're not nearly as big an asshole as your daughter said
you are.
9. Wazzzaaaaap!
8. The water in your toilet tastes funny.
7.You got a spoon and a lighter I can borrow? I left mine at home.
6.No... No... It's OK. I kinda like it when your dog humps my leg.
5. Your daughter is attractive, but have you seen the tits on her friend Joanne?
4. Hi, Mr. Jones. I'm Bob. This is Chuck, George, Steve and the midget
is Sam. Is Sally ready?
3. (While honking horn in driveway) Hey! I'm
waiting out hear! Send the bitch out!
2. You should be proud, Mr. And Mrs. Smith, you've raised a good girl. I can't get her to blow me no matter what I say.
And the number 1 thing not to say when you meet your girlfriend's
parents for the first time:
1. Man, living under the same roof with a piece of ass like that, I bet
you wish you were anyone else but her father.
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When Abraham Liebowitz gets to school he discovers that he is the only
Jewish kid in the class. But it's a decent town and nobody really
bothers him.
One day the teacher asks the class "Who was the greatest person who ever
lived? and why?" And to make it interesting she held a twenty dollar
bill in the air and said "whoever gives the best answer will get this
twenty dollars."
All of the kids called out their guesses.
One said "George Washington - because he was the father of our country."
"That's excellent" said the teacher.
Another said "Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves."
"That's also excellent" said the teacher.
One little girl said "Joan of Arc - because she saved France."
"Another excellent choice," said the teacher.
Then Abraham Liebowitz, raised his hand. So the teacher called on him.
"Abraham, who do you think was the greatest person who ever lived, and
why?"
And Abraham said "Jesus Christ."
The teacher was shocked. "Abraham," she said "I'm very surprised. Class,
I think we can all agree that Abraham should get the twenty dollars."
And she handed Abraham Liebowitz the money.
At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. So she asked Abraham
why he said Jesus.
Abraham said "Look, personally I think Moses was the greatest person who
ever lived, but... business is business!"