Some Old! Some New! Just Funny!!!!!

Right outside her front door, my mother-in-law had a thermometer that never seemed to tell the correct temperature. One chilly day, we all noticed that the thermometer, which was in direct sunlight, read a balmy 72 degrees. "Mom," my wife suggested without thinking, "you should stick the thing where the sun doesn't shine."
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The Dangers of Drink...
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards
and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they
might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to
myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come
true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra and panties.
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny
Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~
Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin
Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
retard.
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"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
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To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a
can! ~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
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And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory
to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate
as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we
know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not


When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of
Women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you
check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a
door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the
stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. The dispenser
for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy,
but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there were one,
but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly drape it around your neck,
(Mom
Would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down
Your pants, and assume "The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd
love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or
lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover
to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your
mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would
have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more. You remember
the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still
in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way
possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The
Door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your
Chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the
Toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your
Precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your
Footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is
Wet of course.

You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has
made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat
because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if
you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because,
you're certain, her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because,
frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
Confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose
That somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto
The toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At that
Point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet
Toilet seat. You're exhausted.

You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then
Slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to
Operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands
With spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women, still
Waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them.

A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper
Trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You
Yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and tell her
Warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and
Left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and
Why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restroom
(rest??? You've got to be kidding!!).

It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also
Answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the
Restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto
Your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door.




Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter holiday..
When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.
When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says
gain "Man my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."
He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.
When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DON'T YOUR EARS EVER GET
COLD?"

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CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?"demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, "I can't remember, exactly, Peter, Peter, something or other..."




PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
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SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face screaming, "Lie you little squirt, LIE!"
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Did you know .Captain Hook died from jock itch.
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In the movie "Roxanne," Steve Martin played a fireman with a big
nose. After a man in a bar makes a wisecrack about his nose, Steve
Martin claims he can do better than that. He's challenged to come up
with 20 and ends up coming out with 25! Here they are in their full
glory:

1. Obvious: Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
2. Meteorological: Everybody take cover. She's going to blow.
3. Fashionable: You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you
wore something larger. Like Wyoming.
4. Personal: Well, here we are. Just the three of us.
5. Punctual: Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were
fifteen minutes late.
6. Envious: Ooooh, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your
own ear.
7. Naughty: Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you
wouldn't mind putting that thing away.
8. Philosophical: You know. It's not the size of a nose that's
important. It's what's in it that matters.
9. Humorous: Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and it's
goodbye Seattle.
10. Commercial: Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for
$39.95.
11. Polite: Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra
keeps changing tempo.
12. Melodic: Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."
13. Sympathetic: Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with
God?
14. Complimentary: You must love the little birdies to give them this
to perch on.
15. Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides.
16. Obscure: Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone.
17. Inquiry: When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid?
18. French: Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles
until you leave.
19. Pornographic: Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once.
20. Religious: The Lord giveth and He just kept on giving, didn't He!
21. Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose hair.
22. Paranoid: Keep that guy away from my cocaine!
23. Aromatic: It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and
smell the coffee... in Brazil.
24. Appreciative: Oooo, how original. Most people just have their
teeth capped.
25. Dirty: Your name wouldn't be Dick, would it?



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