What Not

START YOUR DAY THE AMERICAN WAY
I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all

Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you, Jesus Christ and the American G. I. One died for your soul, The other for your freedom. YOU MIGHT WANT TO PASS THIS ON AS MANY SEEM TO HAVE FORGOTTEN BOTH OF THEM!
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"My Favorite Quote" When You Feel Like You've Reached The End Of Your Rope Tie A Knot......."And Hang On!!! ...Franklin D. Roosevelt..
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Never sell your teddy bear, letter sweater, or high school yearbooks at a garage sale. You'll regret it later....
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If You Can't Feed Them Please Don't Breed 'em...
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A soldier got married. On the first night he found out the wife had her period. He telegraphed HQ: Red Alert on front. Extend leave. Reply from HQ: Attack from back & report.


JoE: Can I buy you a whiskey?" Miss Kitty: "No you can't, whiskey is bad for my legs" JoE: "That's a shame, do they swell?" Miss Kitty: "No, they open!"
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"Olfactory Sensations" One of the gals I met in Ft. Lauderdale, had a picture of a sea shell tattooed on her inner thigh. -
If you put your ear next to it, you could smell the seaweed....
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"Learn to enjoy your own company"You are the one person you can count on living with you "for the rest of your life"--Ann Richards

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There were two men exploring the Andes Mountains. The first
one asked the other "What made you decide to explore these
mountains?" The second man said, "My daughter started taking trumpet
lessons. I wanted to get as far away as I could, so I didn't have
to listen to her until after she mastered the instrument!"
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If you ate a can of alphabet soup would you end up having a vowel
movement?
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Donations to the order were down and the convent did not have the
funds to continue in their usual manner. Rather than shutting down,
Mother Superior ordered an austerity program requiring recycling
of old clothing. As the gowns had faded over the years, they were
sent to the manufacturer to restore them to their original black.
Unfortunately when the dresses were returned, while improved,
they were still a dark grey, Which just goes to prove old habits
dye hard.

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The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't
have that rule when Jesus was born. (Elayne Boosler)

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I discovered why he was staggering along the sidewalk when I
checked his walking stick - he was on a cracked oak cane. (GG)
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I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would be really
mad if she heard me say that. (Mitch Hedberg)
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On a recent vacation to the Galipagos Islands, where Charles Darwin
did research, my group was walking with our naturalist guide
on one of the isles. She was explaining how to tell whether the
droppings we were seeing were from a land iguana or a tortoise,
when one of the men in our group loudly exclaimed, "Oh, good. Now
we know the origin of the feces." (Judy Crowson)
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Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician)
are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is
called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The
professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.

The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the
materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition
temperature and then the fire will go out."

The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off
the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of
one of the reactants."

While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they
both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room
starting other fires. They both scream, "What are you doing?"

To which the statistician replies, "Trying to get an adequate
sample size."



Doctor, I need your help," the woman says. "What seems to be the
problem?" "My husband just doesn't satisfy me sexually. What can I
do?" "Hmmm. That's a bit out of my league. Has he seen a doctor?"
"Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn't enough for me.
You've got to help me!" "Er, Why don't you take a lover?" "I have! I
still don't get enough." "Take another lover." "I did. In fact, I
have eight lovers and I still don't get enough sex!" "Gosh, that's
an anomaly!" "Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it's an anomaly! They
all keep telling me I'm a nymphomaniac! "
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I had just written the word Banana when much to my amazement the
letters suddenly rearranged themselves to spell the word Abanan.
Asking my teacher to explain this, she said: "it's either a case
of consonantal drift or you've just had a vowel movement!"
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I was reading a steamy romance novel today, then got a strange
craving for Chinese food. After I ate, I searched the book to see
what had caused the craving. Damn that Regina and her wonton flesh.
(Amber Sims from Ruminations)
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Norman Bates was so troubled by what he had done he went to visit a
psychiatrist. After hearing the whole gruesome story about being at
the mercy of his whacky mother living in an upstairs of his house,
the doctor told him he really shouldn't worry about it. "Seems
to me these problems are not really yours," the doctor said,
"They're all a psycho in some attic.