White Tacky Trash OOPS (R)ated
Little Johnny and two of his best friends were bragging about how tough
they were. "Why, I'm so tough", said Bobby, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in
a week". "Well", said Billy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a
day". "Oh, that's nothing", said Little Johnny. "When my parents take me to
see my grandma and grampa, I can wear them out in a hour".
Q> What would you call a cold puppy sitting on a rabbit?
A. A chili dog on a bun.
Q. What do you get from confused chickens?
A. Scrambled eggs.
Q. Why did the detective stay in bed?
A. He was working undercover.
Darryl and Harold were in a mental institution.
The place had an unusual annual contest, picking two of the best
patients and giving them two questions. If they got them correct, they
were deemed cured and free to go. Darryl was called into the doctor's
office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered
the questions correctly. Darryl said "yes" and the doctor proceeded.
"Darryl, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?" Darryl
said, "I'd be half blind." "That's correct. What if I poked out both
eyes?" "I'd be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Darryl's
hand, and told him he was free to go. On Darryl's way out, as the doctor
filled out the paperwork, Darryl mentioned the exam to Harold, who was
seated in the waiting room. He told him what questions were going to be
asked and gave him the answers. So Harold went into the doctor's office
when he was called. The doctor went thru the formalities and then asked,
"What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?" Remembering what
Darryl had told him, he answered, "I'd be half blind." The doctor looked
a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other ear?" "I'd
be completely blind," Harold answered." "Harold, can you explain how
you'd be blind?" "My hat would fall down over my eye
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.
He found that the problem was hair in its ears. So he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says, "Well if you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
Subject: good to know. Locked your keys in your car ? Did you know this?
If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call Someone on your (or someone else's) cell phone.
Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car's front windshield, or dash And have the other Person at your home press the unlock button of your key fob
(clicker), Holding it near the phone on their end. Your car doors will unlock. Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you.
Distance is no object you could be hund reds of miles away, and if you Can reach someone who has the other "remote" for your car, you can Unlock the doors (or the trunk!).
Editor's Note * It works fine! We tried it out, and it unlocked our Car over a cell phone!
Pass this one on to your friends.
The Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?"
The guy said "No" and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.
Subject: Putting out the cat
Putting out the cat You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one... A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line,covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned thelocal cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the coupleopened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eatthe bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside toget the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon "He's just going upstairs to say good-byeto my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupidbitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to comeout! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap herin a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled herfat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!" The cabdriver hit a parked car...
This guy was walking down a street in Texas and
this hooker says, "Say, wanna have a good time?
We do things in a big way down here in Texas."
"Sure," he says and they were off to the nearest
motel. She takes off her clothes and he keeps
staring at her. She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen
since you crawled out of one?" The guy says, "No, just the first one I've seen
big enough to crawl back into."
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. FOR MEN TO BE PREGNANT.
Who are the three most famous Chinese virgins?
"Tu Yung Tu," "Tu Dum Tu" and "No Yen Tu!"
The man says to his hair stylist, "My hair is falling out. What can I
use to keep it in?" The stylist replies, "Might I suggest a shoebox?"
Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams
past them. One eagle says to the other, "Wow, did you see how fast that
thing was moving?" The other replies,
"Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three assholes and they were
all on fire!"
Little Johnny and Nasty Norman have been promoted from Privates to
Sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Little Johnny
says, "Hey, Nasty Norman, there's the Officer's Club. Let's you and me
stop in." "But we're Privates," protests Nasty Norman.
"We're Sergeants now," says Little Johnny , pulling him inside. "Now,
Nasty Norman, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drink." "But we's
Privates," says Nasty Norman. "You blind?" asks Little Johnny , pointing
at his stripes. "We're sergeants now." So they have their drink, and
pretty soon a hooker comes up to Little Johnny .
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to screw you, but I've got a bad
case of gonorrhea." Little Johnny pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Nasty Norman,
go look in the dictionary and see what "gonorrhea" means. If it's okay,
give me the okay sign." So Nasty Norman goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Little Johnny
the big okay sign. Three weeks later, Little Johnny is laid up in the infirmary with a
terrible case of gonorrhea. "Nasty Norman," he says, "why'd you give me
the okay?" "Well, Little Johnny , in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only
the privates. " He points to his stripes.. . . "But we're Sergeants now!
Lena and Sven got married in St. Paul. They planned to honeymoon in
Lena's aunt's cabin in Duluth. They caught a bus that was filled with
deer hunters. About 30 minutes out of St. Paul the bus broke down right
next to a nice hotel. Sven said to Lena, "Lena, there's a comfortable
hotel right here. How about consummating our marriage?"
Lena replied, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth."
The repaired bus took off. Fifty miles down the road, it broke down
again. This time it was next to a good looking motel.
Sven turned to Lena and asked, "Look Lena. There's a nice motel. Can ve
consummate our marriage?" Lena said, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth."
The bus was repaired and off they went. Ten miles down the road, the
bus broke down. This time they were our in the woods. However, there
was a little clearing out of the sight of the bus. Lena turned to Sven, "I tink ve should go back into the voods and do it." Later when they returned the bus, Sven asked Lena, "Earlier ve vere next
to a nice hotel and you said "No". Then, ve vere by a motel and you
said "No". But, here ve vent out into the grassy voods and did it.
Why?" Lena said, "I vas listening to the hunters. They said if the bus broke
down again, the fucking season vould be over."
A farmer rings up the vet and says "two of me
chickens have stopped laying'"
The vet says "really, how do you know?"
The farmer says "I just ran over the bastards
with my tractor."