Tuesday's Fun and Links

A man appeared before a judge with a plea for a divorce. The
judge quietly reviewed some papers and then asked, "Please tell
me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the gent says, "I live in a three-story house." The
Judge comments, "What kind of a reason is that? What's such a big
deal about a three-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is, 'I have a headache
and the second story is ...'It's that time of the month."...and the
third story is, ..." NO ..,. we'll wake the children. "
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Hang on to any of the new State of North Dakota quarters;
they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury
announced today it is recalling all North Dakota quarters that
is a part of its program featuring quarters from each of the
50 states. "We are recalling all the new North Dakota quarters
that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack
Shackleford said Monday. This action is being taken after numerous
reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters,
toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated
devices.
"The problem lies in the unique design of the North Dakota quarter,
which was created by an Engineering Graduate from North Dakota
State University ," Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape
holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the
coin-operated devices."
~~< * >~~
Jack and Henry were sitting in back of their trailers
shooting the breeze.
Jack asked Henry "If I snuck ovah to your house while you
wuz out fishin' an' banged your wife, an' she got pregnant,
would dat make us kin?"
Henry scratched his head for a bit then said, "I don't think
so... but it shore would make us even."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done'" - George Carlin
~~< * >~~
The pretty young sex education teacher handed out the final test papers. Tom got a D, Dick got a D-, Harry got an F The three got together after class to complain about their low grades. "That bitch!" said Tom "I can't believe she gave me a D" "We should get even with her" said Dick "Let's grab her after school" "Yeah" said Harry "...and kick her in the nuts!"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
It was Schneider's birthday, and that morning there was a knock on the door. "Telegram!" He opened the door excitedly, "Is it a singing telegram?" Schneider asked the messenger boy. "No Sir. We don't do singing telegrams anymore." "I've always wanted a singing telegram. Can't you bend the rules and make an old man happy?" "Sorry." "Please," begged Schneider. "Today's my birthday." "Oh, all right," said the boy, "Dah-dah dee... dee-dee-dah, your sister Ruth is dead!"




A Guy Walks Into A Bar...
A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Is the bartender here?"
A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve
food in here."
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a
celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The
grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks,
"What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."
Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't
serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"
A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do
you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied
the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."
An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, "Do I come here often?"
John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can
come in, but don't start anything!"
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer
down and says, "For you, no charge!"
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A
beer please, and one for the road."
A gorilla walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll
be $10. You know, we don't get many gorillas coming in here, you know." The
gorilla says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look
nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a
nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says,
"Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary! "
A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says,
"What is this? Some kind of joke?"
~~< * >~~
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player
to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from
the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and
froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head,
promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked
the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he
pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a
bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the
source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his
flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he
hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to
warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a
bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
After Rockies pitcher Denny Neagle was arrested for
soliciting a prostitute over the weekend - he paid $40
for oral sex - the team terminated his contract; a
contract that had $19 million left on it.
So, essentially, he paid $19,000,040. 00 for oral sex.
I hope it was good.
~~~~>,~~~<@
They caught the first female serial
killer in Florida. Eight men. But she
didn't kill them. She gained access
to their homes, hid the remote
controls, so they killed themselves.
- Elayne Boosler -
@>`~~~~>,~~~
One can conclude with mathematical certainty that
while hard work and knowledge will get you close, and
attitude will get you there, bullshit and ass-kissing
will put you over the top.
@>`~~~~>,~~~
When you have your head up your ass, 4 of the 5
senses do not work


Patient: My feet are always cold.
Doctor: Well, all you have to do is go to
bed and have a brick at your feet.
Patient: I tried that.
Doctor: Did you get the brick hot?
Patient: Get it hot? It took me all night
just to get it warm!
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Bob meets Bill at the bar after work and is once again looking down in
the dumps.
"Whats wrong now Bob," asked Bill.
Bob replies, "They called in a management team and gave everyone in the
office an aptitude test to see what they were best suited for."
"Yeah, so whats the problem with that," asks Bill.
Bob sighs, "Well it seems that I am best suited for unemployment. "
@>`~~~~>,~~~
You have two chances: one of getting the germ and one of not getting the
germ. If you get the germ, you have two chances: one of getting the
disease and one of not getting the disease. If you get the disease, you
have two
chances: one of dying and one of not dying. And if you die,
Well......you still have two chances.
@>`~~~~>,~~~
The setting is Ohio State University about six or seven
years ago in a huge lecture hall (approximately 1000
students) for a Calculus final. Apparently this particular calculus
teacher wasn't very well liked. He was one of those guys who would
stand at the front of the class and yell out how much time was remaining
before the end of a test, a real charmer. Since he was so busy
gallivanting around the room making sure that nobody cheated and that
everyone was aware of how much time they had left before their failure
on the test was complete, he had the students stack the completed tests
on the huge podium at the front of the room. This made for quite a mess,
remember there were 1000 students in the class.
Anyway, during this particular final, one guy entered the
test needing a decent grade to pass the class. His only problem with
Calculus was that he did poorly when rushed, and this guy standing in
the front of the room barking out how much time was left before the
tests had to be handed in didn't help him at all. He figured he wanted
to assure himself of a good grade, so he hardly flinched when the
professor said "pencils down and submit your scantier sheets and work to
piles at the front of the room."
Five minutes turned into ten, ten into twenty, twenty into forty ...
almost an hour after the test was "officially over", our friend finally
put down his pencil, gathered up his work, and headed to the front of
the hall to submit his final. The whole time, the professor sat at the
front of the room, strangely waiting for the student to complete his
exam."What do you think you're doing?" the professor asked as the
student stood in front of him about to put down his exam on one of the
neatly stacked piles of exams (the professor had plenty of time to stack
the mountain of papers while he
waited) It was clear that the professor had waited only to give the
student a hard time. "Turning in my exam," retorted the student
confidently.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news for you," the professor gloated, "Your
exam is an hour late.You've FAILED it and, consequently, I'll see you
next term when you repeat my course."
The student smiled slyly and asked the professor, "Do you
know who I am?"
"What?" replied the professor gruffly, annoyed that the
student showed no sign of emotion. The student rephrased
the question mockingly, "Do you know what my name is?"
"NO!" snarled the professor.
The student looked the professor dead in the eyes and said slowly, "I
didn't think so", as he lifted up one of the stacks half way, shoved his
test neatly into the center of the stack, let the stack fall burying his
test in the middle, turned around, and walked casually out of the huge
lecture hall.



There was once a lemur called Faizal.
Faizal was no ordinary lemur. In fact, instead of wasting his time
sitting around with the other lemurs, Faizal would spend his days and
nights drinking at the local pub.
Faizal became a legend, he would sit at the bar and tell stories of
lemur legend while everybody bought him drinks.
Unfortunately, our friend Faizal had a bit of a temper, and became
involved in a horrble dispute one night. One thing led to another and
Faizal was horribly dismembered by a young lout with a flicknife. His
bloodied corpse lay on the pavement outside the pub, and his severed
fluffy tale lay in the gutter. He was pronounced dead at the scene.
So disheartened were the pub's patrons that they commisioned a plaque in
Faizals honour. They had his cute fluffy tale mounted to a mahogony
plaque, which they hung above the bar.
One Sunday evening after closing time, there was a knock on the pub
door. The bartender opened the door and who should be there but a
ghostly possesed visage of the deceased Faizal.
"Holy mother of Jesus" said the barman, "its Faizal".
The ghost lifted a ghostly finger and pointed towards the plaque above
the bar, and then towards his own ghostly severed stump where a tail
should have been.
"AH", said the barman, "you want your tail back, don't you?"
The ghostly lemur knodded.
"Sorry", said the barman "we don't retail spirits on a Sunday".
@>`~~~~>,~~~
There were these two morons driving along
the highway looking for a place to stop and
picnic.
The first moron says, "Let's stop here, and
have our picnic under that tree."
The other says, "No! Let's have it right here
in the middle of the road."
They fought for a bit, but finally agreed to
have it in the middle of the road.
All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards
them and has to swerve into the tree to keep
from hitting them.
The second moron says,"See? If we were under
that tree, we'd be dead now!"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other
day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he
went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read,
"I'm the Boss." He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found
that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, "Your
wife called. She wants her sign back!"