Laura Bush bought "Dubyah" a parrot for
his birthday. She told Dick Cheney, "The
bird is so smart! George has already taught
him to mispronounce over 200 words!"
"Wow, that's pretty impressive," Cheney said.
"But you realize that he just 'says' the words.
He doesn't understand what they mean."
"That's okay," Laura replied. "Neither does the
A long time ago, Britain and France were
at war. During one battle, the French
captured an English colonel. They took
him to their headquarters, and the French
general began to question him. Finally, as
an afterthought, the French general asked,
"Why do you English officers all wear red
coats? Don't you know the red material
makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
In his bland English way, the officer
informed the general that the reason
English officers wear red coats is so that
if they are shot the blood won't show, and
the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why, from that day to this, all
French Army officers wear brown pants.
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was
time to get married. She put an ad in the local
paper that read:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much
to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray
haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had
no arms or legs. The old woman said, "You're not
really asking me to consider you, are you? Just
look at you...you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently.
"Are you still good in bed?"
With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed
a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell,
A wife is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs
for breakfast. Husband walks in. She turns
and says, "You've got to make love to me this
very moment." His eyes light up and he thinks,
"This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces
her and then gves it his all on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to
the stove. More than a little puzzled, he asks,
"What was that all about?"
She explains, "The egg timer is broken."
Weird Fact of the Day:
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door -- nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture. )
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
Two Priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.
He turns to the other Priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."
The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to 2 butts a day."
Mickey was in a bar having a drink, and the barmaid was one sexy
looking blonde lady!
He slapped a ten spot on the table and said, "I bet I can keep an
eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom."
She knew the bathroom was around the corner so she accepted the bet.
He took his glass eye out, placed it beside the drink and went to the
bathroom. "Bet you I can bite my own ear," Mickey challenged next.
The bet was accepted. He took out his false teeth & nipped his ear.
Once more he scooped up the money.
"Okay," he said, "I'll give you a chance to win your money back.
I bet I can make love to you so tenderly you won't feel a thing."
Now that was one thing she knew about, so she accepted the bet.
Mickey lifted her skirt & away they went.
"I can feel you." she giggled.
"Oh well," he grinned, "You win some, you lose some!!"
There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her
Breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the
Organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be
Done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up
Some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would
Shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons
Though. Because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and
You won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and
"Dwew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not haff a thermon