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This That And Frog Hair2: Freaky Friday Funnies

Friday, October 13, 2006

Freaky Friday Funnies



One day a 12 year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down. "I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car", said the driver. "No way, get stuffed", replied the boy. "How about a bag of lollies and $10?" asked the driver. "I said no way", replied the irritated youngster.
"What about a bag of juicy lollies and $50 eh?", quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy. "No, I'm not getting in the fricken car"! answered the boy.
"Okay, okay, I know what you want. I'll give you $100 and a bag of lollies, the driver offered". "NO", screamed the boy."What will it take to get you in the car"? Asked the driver with a long sigh.
The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Volvo, you live with it"!
~~< * >~~
The pert and pretty Nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked."Doctor, you must help me," Lainey pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.""I see." nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your will power and resolve so you have the morals to quit screwing doctors?""For God's sake, no!" exclaimed Lainey. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterwards."
*********
A farmer buys a cute little filly that he plans on racing next season, but when he gets her home, his old stallion smells her and wants her and starts kicking up dust.The farmer doesn't want her knocked up, because she won't be able to race, so he calls the vet. The vet tells him to tie a bed sheet around the filly's rump to keep the stallion away. So that day, the farmer does just that.The next day, the farmer goes out to the corral to make sure the vet's solution worked, but the filly is nowhere to be found. The farmer follows her hoof trail to the neighbour’s farm, and sees the neighbour’s kid out by their barn."Hey young man," the farmer calls, "did you see a filly run by with a bed sheet tied around her rump?"The kid replies, "No sir, but one dashed past here early this morning with a handkerchief sticking out of her arse!"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
A friend of mine recently came home from a trek across Europe. He
started in Spain, made his way through France and Italy, and took a
jaunt through Austria on his way to Germany. He was traveling along when
he came upon a town in Austria called Fucking. Folks, this is a real
town. It was supposedly founded in the sixth century by a guy named
Fucko. My buddy saw the sign and just had to stop. He ate in a diner,
washed up and went on his merry way happy to have experienced Fucking in
Austria. About a half-hour after Fucking, he got a flat tire. He went to
change it but the spare was flat as well. While waiting for a good
Samaritan to come to his rescue, he noticed that he no longer had his
passport. He realized that he must have left it on the table in the
Fucking restaurant. Finally a motorist came by and stopped. My friend
explained his predicament, but the locals were en-route to some ancient
Celtic festival and could not lend a hand. When they told him this, my
friend began to plead. "Come on, help me out. Let's get back to Fucking,
then you can leave. It's getting late and I don't want to be on the
street outside Fucking all alone." "Sorry," was their reply, "you'd
better start walking." "Well then, excuse me," my friend said a little
pissed. "I have to get back to Fucking myself."
*********

A man and his little girl were on an overcrowded
elevator. Suddenly a woman in front turned
around, slapped him and left in a huff.
The little girl remarked, "That's okay, Daddy, I
didn't like her either, she was stepping all over
my toes. That's why I pinched her."
************
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons,
Don 5 and Jim 3. The boys began to argue
over who would get the first pancake. Their mother
saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus
were sitting here, He would say, Let my brother
have the first pancake. I can wait."

Don turned to his younger brother and said,

"Jim, you be Jesus."



These are the laws of the natural universe:

~ Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become
coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

~ Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped,
will roll to the least accessible corner.

~ Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number,
you never get a busy signal.

~ Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work
because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat
tire.

~ Variation Law: If you change lines or traffic lanes, the one you
were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

~ Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water,
the telephone rings.

~ Law of Lines: When you walk IN the grocery store, there's
never anyone in the checkout line.

~ Inverse Hair Dryer Law: You're sure you hear the phone
ringing in the background, until you turn the hair dryer off.

~ Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone
you know increases when you are with someone you don't
want to be seen with.

~ Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone
that a machine won't work, it will.

~ Law of Bio mechanics: The severity of the itch is
inversely proportional to the reach.

~ Theater Law: At any event, the people whose seats
are farthest from the aisle arrive last.

~ Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot
coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will
last until the coffee is cold.

~ Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people
in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

~ Law of Natural Attraction: If you and your date are the
only two on a five-mile stretch of beach, the family of five
will set up right next to you.

~ Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced
jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are
directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

~ Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

~ Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you
don't know what you are talking about.

~ Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

~ Law of the Last Word: "Hey, watch this!"


@>`~~~~>,~~~
One night my husband, a retired Army colonel, was watching a program on
TV about paratroopers. As one D-Day jumper began to comment, Lee
exclaimed,
"That's Jack Norton! I served in both Korea and Vietnam with him."
Then, after watching the man speak for a few moments, he quietly
remarked.... ..
"You know you're getting old when you have more friends on the History
Channel than in the news."
------
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good
Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She
described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the
drama.
Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside all
wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence with......
"I think I'd throw up!"



The story you are about to read is true. The name(s) may have
been changed to protect the stupid...

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. From
the International File in Livorno, Italy comes the story of a 19
year old bozo who felt the spark had gone out of his relationship
with his 18 year old girlfriend. To try to rekindle the flame,
he decided to recreate a scene from Romeo and Juliet. With his
girlfriend waiting for him on the balcony, he began to climb up
the side of the building. Sad to say, the lovers did not let the
neighbors in on their little plan and one of them was awakened
by the noise. Noticing a strange man climbing up the side of an
apartment building, he called the cops. The police awakened the
girl's parents and that's when Romeo decided to fess up. The cops
took pity on him and decided not to press charges.


@>`~~~~>,~~~

When my friend was pregnant, she was having a hard time with the
weight she'd gained. One day her husband persuaded her to go to
the beach for the day. "There I sat, with my bulges and potbelly,"
she told me later, "and this gorgeous girl, about 18 years old,
walked by in a fluorescent pink micro bikini. And I started to cry."

"When my husband asked what was wrong," she continued, "I said,
'Just look at that beautiful teenager. My body will never look
like that again"
"He rolled over and glanced at the girl in pink, and--here's how
I know I've married a special man--he took my hand and kissed
it. "You know what, Honey?" he said. Neither will hers."

@>`~~~~>,~~~
According to a new book called "Men, Love and Sex," 50% of women
want their men to take control in bed. The other 50% want their
men to put down the remote control in bed.
@>`~~~~>,~~~
According to a new survey by Zogby International, 70% of men say
that breast implants are not sexy. Sure! Guys are going to Hooters
for the food! Those little chicken wings are so delicious!
@>`~~~~>,~~~
They've come out with a new Tickle Me Elmo Doll that lies on its
back and kicks its legs in the air. Don't confuse this with the
Paris Hilton Doll. That's totally different!



A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest, in
search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe. He falls into a trap,
goes unconscious and wakes up tied to a stake with a fire burning
slowly underneath him.
He cries out for help, and is answered by what is obviously one
of the tribesmen, who informs him that he is going to be served
as dinner to the leader of the tribe.
"But you don't understand!" he cries, "You can't do this to me! I'm
an editor for the New Yorker magazine!"
"Ah," replies the tribesman, "Well now you are editor-in-chief! "

@>`~~~~>,~~~
My twin boys were only seven years old when their paternal
grandmother announced she was getting remarried. We were all
thrilled for her, since she had seemed so lonely since Grandpa
passed away a few years before. We broke the news to our boys,
who were sitting in the back of the car. Grandma is getting
married again," we said.
Jon had a look of thoughtfulness on his face for a while.
He finally asked, "Is she going to have more children?"
Before we had a chance to respond, his twin brother Mike shot back
this answer: "No! She can't. She already had them. It's like
chicken pox. Once you get them, you can't get them again."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
The story you are about to read is true. The name(s) may have
been changed to protect the stupid...

Bozo criminals for today come from the Domestic Dispute
Division. From Carrollton, Texas comes the story of an unidentified
couple, a 92 year old woman and her 86 year old husband. It seems
the two lovebirds got into a verbal altercation in which the
92 year old woman swatted the 86 year old man with a rolled up
newspaper (well, it does always work with the dog). The dispute
became more and more heated and police had to be called to calm
the two parties down. The cops arrived and discovered the fight
was over laundry. The woman was upset because, as she said, she
couldn't remember how many times she'd told him not to put her red
sox in with his white T-shirts. For his part, the man, who is hard
of hearing, said he'd rather go to jail than put up with any more
of her complaining. Cooler heads prevailed and no charges were
filed. Maybe they can just have their laundry sent out...



The little girl went to church for the first time. As she was
leaving with her parents, the minister asked how she had liked
church.
"I liked the music," she replied, "but the commercial was too long."

@>`~~~~>,~~~

The story you are about to read is true. The name(s) may have
been changed to protect the stupid...

Bozo criminal for today comes from Racine, Wisconsin where bozo
Gerald Williams purchased what he considered to be some bad
cocaine from a local dealer. Our bozo was arguing with the dealer
in question, demanding a refund. Suddenly he came up with a bright
bozo idea--he would call police headquarters and have them send
an officer over to settle the dispute. A patrol car was dispatched
and unbelievably the bozo let the officers into his house, showed
them the drugs and asked them to help him get his money back from
the dealer, who was still there. (Obviously there's more than one
bozo in this story) The officers tested the drugs and settled the
dispute by arresting both bozos.

@>`~~~~>,~~~
A woman's three-year-old walked into the kitchen and announced
she'd figured it out: "When I get older and have babies, you'll
be their grandmother. "

The mother was impressed with her deductive reasoning until she went
on with a glint in her eye: "...that is if you live long enough."

@>`~~~~>,~~~
New to the United States, I was eager to meet people. So one day
I struck up a conversation with the only other woman in the gym.
Pointing to two men playing racquetball in a nearby court, I said
to her, "There's my husband." Then I added, "The thin one--not
the fat one."
After a slightly uncomfortable silence she replied, "And that's
my husband - the fat one."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Weird Fact of the Day:
Up to 75% of people who try cocaine will become addicted to it. Only one out of four people who try to quit will be able to without help.
@>`~~~~>,~~~



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