Sunday Funnies

(shaking head) some laws are a tad odd.. lol


In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)
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In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
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Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
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The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse tha n "going blind!") & nbsp;
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There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
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In Hong Kong, a betra yed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's il licit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
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Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
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In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have s ex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
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In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
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In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vendi ng machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

(Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam !)
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Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
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Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

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The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of?)

(Did the government pay for this research??)

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Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
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An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
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Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
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And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
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"OTHER GREAT EXCUSES NOT TO GO TO WORK"

"My dog ate my car keys."

"My migraine headache is really bad. I should probably sit in a
cool, dark movie theater for a while."

"My son dropped the car keys in the toilet and I sent him in after
them. Now I'm waiting for the plumber."

"I have to buy some new skis. I left my old ones in a tree."

"My computer is down. I'm trying to cheer it up."

"If I came to work today all I'd think about is the beach and a cold
beverage and distracted employees aren't productive and just cost
the company money. So it's better all around if I stay home today."

"I have a sick kid. The adult goats, however, seem to be doing
fine."

"I'm having car trouble. The trouble is I don't own a car."

"Calling in sick today, boss. I guess aspirin doesn't work on
Spring Fever."

"I won a sauerkraut and sausage eating contest yesterday. You
don't want me there today. Trust me."

"I'll need a couple of days funeral leave. There's been a death
in the family. Someone moved my fern too close to the heating duct."

"I'll be putting my eight hours in ... just not consecutively. "

"I have to see the doctor today. Apparently there's still a piece
of brain left in my head."

@>`~~~~>,~~~
New Age Diet Rules:

* If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no
calories. Zero, zip, nada, zilch!

* If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the
candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

* When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you
don't eat more than they do.

* Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot
chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

* If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

* Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints,
Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories
because they are part of the entertainment package and not part
of one's personal fuel.

* Cookie pieces contain no fat -- the process of breaking causes
fat leakage.

* Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are
in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on
a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

* Foods that have the same color have the same number of
calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms
and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may
be substituted for any other food color.

@>`~~~~>,~~~

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to
stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready
for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours"
attitude... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. Father's Day? Baahh--don't worry about that--no biggie.

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend... you might
want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one
of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run
or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever
he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an
earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for
you to spend.

And the #1 thing you will never hear...

1. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not
good enough for you, son?



Sir is comfortably installed in an armchair in the library,
reading a newspaper.

Suddenly, John rips the door open and shouts: "Sir, the Thames is
flooding the streets!"
Sir looks up calmly from the newspaper and says: "John, please. I
have already told you. If you do have something important to tell
me, first knock on the door, then enter and inform me, in a quiet
and civilized manner, about the issue. Now please, do so".
John apologizes and closes the door behind him. Three seconds after,
Sir hears a knock on the door.
"Yes?"
John partially enters the room, and with a wide gesture makes
an invitation as for somebody on the outside to enter: "Sir,
the Thames".
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Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at
the local pub. He made such a racket hitting into the furniture
as he weaved his way through the house, that he woke up the missus.
"What on earth are you doing down there?" she yelled down from
the bedroom. "Get yourself up here to bed and don't wake up the
neighbors!"
"I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinness up the stairs," he shouted.
"Leave it 'till the morning," she shouted down.
"I can't," he said, "I've drank it."



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"Did you hear about this guy down in Washington, D.C. that was
shooting at the White House? He was a former NBA player ...At
first the FBI thought he played for the Knicks because he missed
every shot." ~David Letterman
@>`~~~~>,~~~
"Last night Katie Couric debuted as the anchor of the 'CBS Evening
News.' At the end of the broadcast, she asked viewers to recommend
a signature sign-off. So far, the frontrunner is 'Stay tuned for
some kind of CSI'." ~Conan O'Brien
@>`~~~~>,~~~
"Ernesto -- you've heard about this storm? Gathering speed,
heading up the East Coast. They said Washington might be hit.
That's when you know the federal government has its head up it's
a** when the hurricanes have to come to you." ~Bill Maher
@>`~~~~>,~~~
"Earlier this week a man passed away while on Amtrak. No one
noticed the man was dead until after the 23 hour train ride was
over. People realized he was dead when they discovered he smelled
better than anyone else on Amtrak." ~Conan O'Brien
@>`~~~~>,~~~
"President Bush says that we are now safer than we were five years
ago. Sure, now that we got Paris Hilton off the road." ~Jay Leno


Massage Parlor Rubs Client The Wrong Way

LONDON - About $7,000 worth of damage was done to the lobby of
a massage parlor by a client who was unhappy. David Albert, 41,
admitted he trashed the front entrance of the Mirage Exotic Massage
because he thought money had been taken from his clothing. After
Albert had received a massage on March 1, he went storming into
the front lobby screaming and yelling. He destroyed a front desk,
the phones, a heater, a lamppost and various other objects.
"I didn't realize massage was supposed to have that effect,"
said Ontario Court Justice John Getliffe after hearing what
happened. Albert's lawyer, George Grant, said his client thought
$140 had been stolen from him.

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Mourner Finds Herself in Grave Situation

NEW YORK - A retired teacher who visited the graves of her loved
ones every day was struck and killed by her own car while visiting
a New York cemetery. Evanglistia Vartholomeou, 76, emigrated to the
United States from Greece in 1965 and regularly visited the graves
of her brother, sister, mother and a nephew, who died of cancer at
the age of 3 in 1979. Niece Katherine Vartholomeou told the New York
Post her aunt spent her life caring for family and apparently left
her car in drive at Maple Grove Cemetery in Kew Gardens by mistake.


On television my 88 year old stepfather and I saw an attractive
woman wearing an evening gown with leg openings going all the way
up to her waist.
"Why do they wear gowns like that?" he asked.
"Maybe that style makes their legs look longer," I speculated.
"No," he said," I think it makes the men look longer."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Medicine is sky high. I got one prescription that says, "Take one
capsule as often as you can afford it."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into
my own pants.
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three; the rest are true stories.
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Man: "I have seen you looking at me all night and I know I make
you think of sex."
Woman: "Yeah, 'cause you look like a prick."



A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The
judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me
why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man says, "I live in a three-story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the
big deal about a three-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache'
and the second story is ...'It's that time of the month."...and
the third story is, ..." NO DAMMIT..we'll wake the children. ".
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Nathan had the most responsible and terrifying job in the world. His
job was Keeper of The Lever.

The Lever he guarded had only one purpose. At a specified time
and by a specified order from 'higher up," he was to push The
Lever. When The Lever was pushed, the entire world, as we know it,
would be destroyed.

It was the ultimate doomsday device. Nate's job indeed, carried
an awesome responsibility.

His location was not secretive or hidden from the world. It was
on a very narrow road off a main thoroughfare. Consequently many
tourists drove by to look at Nate as he guarded The Lever awaiting
the word from "higher up."

People waved at him as they drove by and Nate would wave back,
however, he always kept one hand on The Lever and a watchful eye
on the signal panel.

One day, after a bevy of tourists went by, Nate noticed a small
dog wandering in the road. As he glanced up the roadside, Nate
saw another busload of tourists coming toward Nate's location, and
seeing The Lever, was a major tourist attraction in the area. As
the bus came nearer, the small dog was still in the middle of the
road unaware of the oncoming vehicle.

Nate had a dilemma. He wanted to snatch the dog from danger, but
couldn't leave his post at The Lever. The busload of tourists was
coming closer. It was apparent that the driver was more intent on
describing the upcoming sight than watching the road.

Suddenly, Nate made a decision. He would save the dog.

Leaving his post, he ran onto the narrow road, snatched up the
small dog and started running back to his position.

The bus driver suddenly saw the scene before him. It was too late
for the brakes, so he swerved on the narrow road to avoid Nate
and the dog, then swerved back and headed right for Nate.

The bus hit Nate dead on.

Later, the bus driver explained his actions. "I had a choice and
made it. The road was too narrow. There were only two things I
could hit, The Lever or Nate. I chose Nate."

"Why"' someone asked.

The bus driver replied. "Better Nate than Lever."