A Mess-O-Fun

Nun

The parish priest very furtively calls the mother superior into his
office.
This is how their conversation went:
"Sister, I want to show you something."
"What is it, Father?
"Come into my private room & close the blinds."
"WHAT?!"
"I said....."
"I heard what you said - I just can't believe you're saying it!"
"Well, I really need you to come in."
Curious, the nun does as she is told.
"Here, sit on the bed beside me."
"I have to get out of here."
"Aren't you the least bit curious?"
Well, the nun was so she sat down beside him.
"Get under the covers."
"WHAT?????!!!!!"
The nun was really freaking out.
"It doesn't work otherwise!"
After much coaxing, the nun does get under the covers with him.
He whispers: "Come closer."
Nervously, she does get closer.
"See," the priest whispers gleefully, "my new watch does glow in the
dark!!!!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
The Marine General's inspection visit could not have gone better. The
General himself was personally skilled with firing weapons and, in the
past, had won every marksman award the Marines had to offer. While
working with one Marine, the General quizzed him how many rounds should
be fired at one time. "SIR! Six to eight, SIR." "Very good, Marine. How
do you calibrate that weapon to fire six to eight rounds?" The Marine
hesitated a little bit, then said, "SIR! Would you be offended if I told
you how we calibrate our weapons when I was in the Fleet Marine Force?"
"No, of course not, son." "SIR! We pull the trigger and say, 'Die,
mother fucker, die,' as it takes 6 to 8 rounds to say that
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
When I lived in an apartment complex, a good
friend of mine lived there also and decided
it was time for her to get a boob job. Since
I'd been through it, she asked me to go with
her.
Everything went well, and that summer we were
both at the pool getting some sun.
One of the regular guys in our group, who'd
had his eye on my girlfriend for some time,
said to me, "There's something different about
your friend this year, but I can't quite put
my finger on it."
After I finished laughing, I said, "And you
probably never will either!"



A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house
for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife
is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk." As one thing
leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps,
"We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem," he
replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of
searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he
exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"
@>`~~~~>,~~~
The teacher brought a Venus statue in class and asks, "What do you like
best about it, class? Let's start with you, Robert." "The artwork," says
Robert. "Very good. And you, Peter?" "Her tits!" says Peter. "Peter, get
out! Go stand in the hall," responds the teacher with disgust. "And you,
Johnny?" "I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful
butt". Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very
beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up, so she decides to take
a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful Butt" tattooed
on her butt. She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks
she has a beautiful butt. He looks and says, "You do have a beautiful
butt". She then tells the man she wants "Beautiful Butt" tattooed on her
cheeks. The man tells her "I can't fit that on your butt, it takes up
too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letter B on each
cheek and that can stand for "Beautiful Butt." She agrees and gets it
done. On the man's birthday she hears him come home and she is only
wearing a robe. She then stands at the top of the stairs. He opens the
door and she says "Look honey." She then takes off the robe she is
wearing, bends over. The man yells "WHO THE HELL IS BOB?!"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Three gays were talking about their perfect reincarnation. The first
one says, "I'd love to reincarnate in a mirror and see all those
handsome men shave in the mornings."
The second gay guy says, "I wish I were underwear so I could rub my face
in their dicks and asses."
The third gay guy was thinking of something better to say, and replied,
"I'd love to an ambulance. I would love to have three or four men stuck
through my behind at a time and then run through the streets of the city
shouting, 'Ooha-ooha, ooha-ooha, ooha-ooha'."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Q: What is the definition of a smart ass?
A: Someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it
is.



Bubba: I'm so nearsighted I nearly worked myself to death.
Elmer: What's being nearsighted got to do with working yourself to
death?
Bubba: I couldn't tell whether the boss was watching me or not, so I had
to work all the freakin' time!
@>`~~~~>,~~~
Most women prefer sex with the lights off because they can't bear to
see a man enjoying himself. Men like the lights on - so they can get the
woman's name right.
That explains why bisexuals prefer sex under strobe lights.
@>`~~~~>,~~~
A bar had a sign in the window advertising that they needed a piano
player. A scroungy-looking, old, retired Navy Chief entered the bar and
told the bartender he was interested in the job. The bartender wasn't
too impressed with his looks but said, "What the hell," and pointed the
old sailor to the piano in the corner.
The tattooed old veteran sat down and started to play the most
beautiful, melodious piece of music the people in the bar had ever
heard. All talk stopped while he played, and when he finished with a
musical flourish, they all applauded.
"Hey, man, you're good," said the barkeep. "What was that?"
"That was an original composition I call, 'Drop Them Panties And
Grease-Up, Woman, 'Cause It's Gonna Be A Long, Long Night.' "
"Interesting title," said the bartender. "Got another?"
The old sailor broke into a foot stompin' honky-tonk piece that brought
the bar patrons to their feet, clapping along until it was finished,
when they again gave him a thunderous round of applause.
"You are great, man. Really great. What do you call that one?" asked the
bartender.
"That's another original little ditty I call, 'I Wanna Lick Yer Bare
Butt, Baby, 'Til I Make You Bark Like A Fox.' "
The old sailor then turned around on the bench and said, "If you'll
excuse me, I need to use the restroom."
While he was gone, the bartender decided to offer him the job, starting
immediately. When the old musician returned a few moments later, the
bartender said, "If you want the job, it's yours."
He looked down and noticed the old sailor hadn't "quite" finished his
trip to the restroom."By the way," he asked him, "do you know your pecker is hanging out for all the world to see?"
"Know it? Hell, I WROTE it!"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his
dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar, he plucks
up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and
she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.
Saturday night arrives and the man shows up at her house laden with
flowers and chocolates. To his amazement she answers the door in nothing
but a towel. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please
come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you
while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you however, that they are
both deaf mutes." With this she ushers him into the living room,
introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can
imagine this is a little uncomfortable as both parents are completely
silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching the soccer game, and
Mom is busy knitting. After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom
suddenly jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt pulls down her
knickers and pours a glass of water over her fanny. Just as suddenly,
Dad launches himself across the room bends her over the couch and takes
her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and places a match
stick under each eye lid. The room is plunged back into eerie silence
and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes
the mother again rises from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down
her pants and throws another glass of water over her nether regions. Dad
leaps up gives her one from behind and places two more match sticks
under his eyelids. No sooner have they concluded this strange behavior
and the daughter returns fully dressed ready for their date. The evening
is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the
goings on in the living room. At the end of the evening the girl asks,
"What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?" "It's not you,"
replied her date, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I
was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked." After pleading with
him to explain in more detail the young man reluctantly recounts the
story. "Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair and lifts up her
skirt. She then pulls down her pants and throws a glass of water over
her behind." "I see," says the girl, "What happened then?" "Well, if
that isn't enough your Father races from his chair, leans Mom over the
couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a
match stick under each eye lid." "Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.
The young man can't believe the casual response to this weird practice.
"It's easily explained. Mom was simply saying, 'Are you going to get
this asshole a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, fuck him. I'm watching
the match.'"


Two men were in the pub discussing their latest sexual conquests. The
first man says he picked up this girl last week and they agreed to go
back to his
house and have sex. Once in the house the girl stripped off her
clothes,
lay down on the bed with legs apart and panted, "I want you to give me
twelve inches and make me bleed."
The second man not for one moment believed his friend was that
well-hung, asked what he did.
"Well" he says, "What could I do - I laid her twice and smacked
her in the face!"

~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Little Johnny was participating in a spelling bee
During class. He had to spell the word and use it
In a sentence. The teacher asked him to please
Spell the word EAR.

Little Johnny stood up and proudly said EAR, E-A-R.

Then to use it in a sentence, he pretended to take a
Big hit off a joint, and while pretending to have his
Lungs full of smoke, he passed the pretend joint to
Little Suzy, and said...

"Ear."
Day


@>`~~~~>,~~~
I don't how many of you shop at Sam's Club
or Costco, but this may be useful to know. I
became a victim of a clever scam while out
shopping. This happened to me and it could
happen to you!!

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 23-year-old
well-built guys come over to your car as you
are packing your shopping in the trunk.
They both are shirtless and start wiping
your windshield with a cloth and Windex,
with their highly-defined chest muscles and
rock-hard abs exposed. It's impossible not
to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip,
they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride
to another Sam's Club or Costco.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On
the way, they start talking about what they
want to do to you. Then one of them climbs
over into the front seat and begins kissing
your neck and begs you to pull over so he
can make love to you!! While this is going on
the other guy steals your purse!!

I had my purse stolen last Tuesday,
Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on
Saturday, yesterday , and most likely
tomorrow.

See ya'll at Sam's!



A friend of mine asked if I knew the name
of any good divorce lawyers as he was going
through a rather messy marriage breakup.
I called another friend who had been
divorced three times. He looked up the
names of three lawyers and gave them to me.

"Are they good at what they do?" I asked.

"I know they are," he replied. "They
represented my ex-wives."

@>`~~~~>,~~~
These three guys escape from Alcatraz
prison. One is British, one is American, and
the last one is Scottish. But now they're
bored and so they're wandering around
thinking of something to do. "Let's play
golf." The American finally says.
"I don't know how to play that." The Scot
says. "Oh it's easy, " answers the Brit, "all
you need is a ball, a stick, and a hole."
"I got the ball, " says the American, "I got
the stick, " says the Brit. Then the Scot
says, "I don't wanna play."

~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
"The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt." - Jerry Seinfeld

@>`~~~~>,~~
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening. As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay with the others since several of his important clients were there. As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door. She looked at him and said, "Jeeves, take off my dress." He did this carefully. "Jeeves," she continued, "take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her. "Jeeves," she then said, "remove my bra and panties." As he did this, the tension continued to mount. She looked at him and then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"


The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, none of who could figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour's examination the physician came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the pope had a rare disorder of the testicles, which if left untreated, would be fatal. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured, was to have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions." The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise a single voice asked, "And what are the four conditions?" The room stilled. There was a long pause.... The Pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex." "Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex." "And third, she must be mute so that if somehow she figures out with whom she is having sex, she can tell no one." After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth condition?" The Pope replied, "Big tits."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
"If you're ever feeling low, just take a saunter over to the local bus station, and you'll perk right up. It looks like a Munster family reunion. There are people with teeth like Indian corn, eyes pointing in different directions, Kentucky Fried Chicken buckets used as luggage. And you know nobody there has ever filled out a long form in their whole lives" - Dobie Maxwell

~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
· Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery!"? · Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? · Why is a boxing ring square? · Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips after you use it? · Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? · Why is what doctors do called "practice?" · Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? · Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

@>`~~~~>,~~~
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience. "Well, I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?" The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get my breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."



Two guys from Minnesota are sittin' in a boat on Mud Lake fishing
and suckin' down beers when all of a sudden Mike says, "I think I'm
going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over six months."
Harry sips his beer and says; "You better think it over -
women like that are hard to find."

~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Two old women were sitting on a bench talking.
One asked the other: "How's your husband holding
up in bed these days?"
The second old woman replied, "He makes me feel
like an exercise bike."
"How's that?"
"He climbs on and starts pumping away, but we never
get anywhere."