Start with a chuckle
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. "
2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity! "
2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of
them new fangled warshin' machines!"
1st Hillbilly: "Why is that so stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly: "Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
3rd Hillbilly: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes
put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some
change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."
1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "Well what's so dumb about that?"
3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker.
A blonde is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along. She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up, but she is worried. She asks, "What if the baby starts coming, and I can't get to the hospital in time." The doctor replies, "Well, woman have been having babies for a million years without an attendance by doctors.
It's a very natural process. The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant." The blonde interrupts with, "Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window?"
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." - Joe Weinstein
Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors. One day, they heard, "yellow, blue, black." One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible. The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "black, black, black." Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished! One of the nuns spoke up, "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird." Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments. Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house. Initially, the parrot looked a bit puzzled, he swung back and forth on his perch. Then, after a while, the Parrot said, "Straight, Straight, Curly!"
"Doc," says Arthur, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done", replies Arthur. "But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor. "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!" "I'm aware of that doc and you're not going to change my mind; either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor." "Well, OK.", says the doctor, "but its against my better judgment!" So Arthur has his operations and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his IV stand. Heading toward him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there", says Arthur. "It looks like you've just had the same operation as me." "Well", said the patient. "I finally decided after 37 years that I would like to be Circumcised." Arthur stared at him in horror... "Shit, THAT'S THE WORD!!!!"
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the othersisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year- old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," as she nocked on her wooden table for good measure. " She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in,"So am I. Let's have a beer."
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see overthe dash board. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.!
She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said,"Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher say, "Stay calm, Ma'am, an officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.", He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
The British are wonders of craftsmanship, always trying to invent new
weapons for war. They have invented a weapon which flings a pointed
stick thru the internet. Of course they had to give them a sexy
name. They are called Britain E-Spears.
The chief of a poor Native American tribe, where there were no paved
roads, no electricity, and no indoor plumbing, scrimped and saved,
and finally was able to send his eldest son to college. The lad did
well, working hard for four years and finally graduating with a
bachelor's degree in electrical engineering. Arriving home after
graduation, the boy was treated to a welcoming party, complete with
plenty of refreshments. Shortly after he retired to sleep, the son
was awakened by a call of nature. Exiting the hut, he proceeded down
the road to the outhouse, only to stumble and fall because of the
lack of lights. The next day, the son decided to put his education to
work. He sat down, did the calculations, and prepared construction
drawings for a lighting system for the outhouse, complete with lights
for the path leading to it. It was constructed and was an immediate
success. This chiefs son will go down in history as the first Indian
to wire a head for a reservation.
A man went to visit his doctor. "Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check
it out please?" the man pleads. The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve
and suddenly hears the arm talk. "Hello, Doctor," says the arm.
"Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!" "Aha!'' says
the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"
The children of a prominent family chose to give the patriarch a book
of their family's history. The biographer they hired was warned of
one problem. Uncle Willie, the "Black Sheep," had gone to Sing Sing's
Electric chair for murder. The writer carefully handled the situation
in the following way: Uncle Willie occupied a chair of applied
electronics at one of our nation's leading institutions. He was
attached to his position by the strongest of ties. His death came as
a true shock."
Steinberg and Fleisher, partners in the garment industry had just
suffered through their worst season ever. Ten thousand madras sports
coats were hanging on the rack unsold, and bankruptcy was looming
Out of the blue, in walked a buyer from Australia. "I say there," he
began, "you boys wouldn't have any madras sports coats, would you? I've
been looking for them everywhere."
Steinberg said there MIGHT be a few left, and soon a deal was made
whereby the ten thousand jackets would be shipped to Australia at a
"There is one thing though," said the Australian buyer. "For an order
this large, I'll have to get a confirmation from my home office. I don't
anticipate any problem, and unless I send you a telegram by this Friday,
the deal goes through as planned."
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday passed slowly, with the partners nervously
waiting to see if the Australian would change his mind. Friday morning
went by without incident. Steinberg and Fleisher were closing up shop
when, at ten minutes to five, there was a knock on the door:
The partners froze. Trembling, Fleisher grabbed the telegram and opened
it. Suddenly, his face lit up.
"Steinberg, GREAT NEWS! Your sister died!"
My eyelids snap open at exactly twenty-two hundred hours, responding to
an inner alarm that sounds whenever a daughter is out on a school night.
Curfew has darkened the land, and any children caught outside the
perimeter are now subject to arrest and the torture of telephone
I pad down the stairs to my daughter's bedroom. Every light is on and
her stereo is blaring, sure signs that she's not home. It is now two
minutes after ten o'clock, and normally I'd call 911, but those people
got surly with me last time because I phoned it in as a "possible child
abduction" due to the fact that my daughter's date wore an earring.
I glance out the window and freeze: The boy's car is in the driveway.
Well okay. I flick on the outside lights, helpfully flipping them on
and off a few dozen times so the occupants of the car will know what
time it is.
There's no reaction. I peer at the vehicle, but the windows are dark
and pitiless, coated with the light mist that is falling. What are they
doing out there?
Well, that was a bad question to ask myself! I try another burst of
light flicking just to give myself something to do, but I know the only
way I'm going to be able to settle this matteris to go out there, knock
politely on the window, and spray the two of them with the garden hose.
I'm not garbed for such a diplomatic undertaking- -I have on a pair of
pajama bottoms and nothing else. What I need is some protection against
the elements, something waterproof. With chains and hooks hanging from
it. And grenades.
Okay. I open the coat closet and discover where my son put all the junk
last time he cleaned the living room. I could try my own bedroom
closet, but I don't want to take the time. For my bare feet I find a
pair of duck slippers--big, puffy clunkers with plastic duck heads on
them. There are no umbrellas, but I do find a hat--one of those hunter
caps with ear flaps that tie under the chin. This one is an
incandescent orange so that fellow hunters won't think that maybe they
ought to open fire on the thing wearing the ear flaps in case it is a
deer. The hat is so bright it seems to be giving off its own light--I
look like a cross between Elmer Fudd and a road flare.
Naturally, even though I am searching through a coat closet in my
house, none of my own coats are available. I finally decide to struggle
into one of my kids' old jackets, a nylon job with a picture of Daffy
Duck on the back. I have something of an outdoors motif going.
I survey myself in the mirror before heading out. Regrettably, the
tight hem of the jacket falls a couple inches short of bridging the gap
to my pajama waist, creating the odd illusion that my stomach sticks out
in a roll of belly flesh. I toy with the idea of tying the ear flaps
under my chin, but decide not to go that formal. I grab a flashlight
and step out into the rain.
I'd forgotten that my duck slippers quack when I walk in them, which
threatens to ruin the element of surprise. Actually, it is less a
"quack" then a "wheeze," as if the ducks are lifetime smokers.
I bang on the implacable car windows, wait a moment, and then yank the
door open, the car alarm splitting the night air.
No one is inside.
When I get back into the house, my daughter and her date are standing
in the kitchen, looking concerned as I quack in out of the rain.
"Hi!" I call cheerfully.
"I just needed to use the telephone... " the boy stammers uncertainly.
With a quick glance back at my daughter, he scampers out of the house.
"Oh, Dad, how could you do that?" my daughter demands, whirling and
bolting from the room.
I stand there in the middle of the kitchen, scratching my head.
How could I do WHAT?
At the Russian War College, a general is a guest lecturer and tells the
class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and
the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by
asking the first question, "Will we have to fight in a World War Three?"
"Yes, comrades, it looks like you will," answers the general.
"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.
"The likelihood is that it will be China." The class is surprised, and
finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million
people and they are about 1.5 billion.
How can we possibly win?"
"Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not
the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the
Middle East, 5 million Jews have been fighting against 50 million Arabs,
and the Jews have been the winners every time."
"But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough Jews"?