Subject: The zipper In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give >her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once >again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached >behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan >smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after >you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
Admitting his 0-4 record is not impressive "on paper," trainers announced that Lucky, a German shepherd guide dog for the blind in Wuppertal, Germany, is available for his fifth owner. Lucky led his first owner in front of a bus, killing him. Then he led the second off the end of a pier, drowning him. He nudged his third owner off a railway platform in front of an express train, killing him. And he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him to be hit and killed. The new owner won't be told of Lucky's record -- the trainers say the dog might sense nervousness "and do something silly."
Two police officers saw an old woman staggering down the street. They
stopped her and decided she had had far too much to drink, so instead
of taking her to jail they offered to drive her home. The cops loaded
her into the police cruiser and one of the officers got in the back
seat with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they
kept asking the woman where she lived, but all she would say as she
stroked the officers arm is "You're Passionate." They drove awhile
longer and asked again, but again the same response as she stroked
his arm: "You're Passionate." The officers were getting a little
upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, "Look we have
driven around this city for two hours and you still haven't told us
where you live." The drunk lady replied, "I keep trying to tell you,
"You're Passin' It!"
A man was getting nowhere in his efforts to sell a
policy to a farmer. "Look at it this way." he said finally. "How
would your wife carry on if you should die?" "Well..." drawled the
weather-beaten man, "I don't reckon that'd be any concern of mine --
long as she behaves herself while I'm alive."
Convicted of murder and sentenced to death, the shapely young woman
asked, as a last request, that she be hanged in the nude. Although
the warden thought this unusual, he felt a last request was not
something to be denied. When the condemned prisoner arrived at the
gallows, the hangman gasped, "My God, you have the most beautiful
body I've ever seen." Came the whispered reply, "It's all yours
if you keep your trap shut."
The other day, I went to the local disco, and I showed the doorman
my driver's license and one of the wheels off my car. He asked
what the wheel was for. I said, "the guy on the radio said you
were checking ID's and a tire."
In France, rioters looted stores. Actually to be politically
correct you cannot call them looters anymore. You know have to
call them undocumented shoppers. (Jay Leno)
A man in Pittsburgh who was shooting pigeons was mistaken for
a sniper. What Vice President Cheney was doing in Pittsburgh,
nobody seems to know. (Jim Barach)
"Has your husband lived up to all the things he said before you
were married?" "No, He's only lived up to one of them." "Which
one was that?" "He said he wasn't good enough for me."
"Which would you rather be in, an explosion or a collision? "
"A collision, any day" "How come? " "Because in a collision,
there you are; In an explosion, where are you? "
A handsome advertising executive attended a party given by a female
colleague and left with an extremely attractive guest. In the office
the next morning, he thanked the hostess and explained that he
really liked her friend. "Oh, she's not really a friend of mine,"
the girl responded. "Just an acquaintance. " "Well, in that case,"
the man chuckled, "I'm happy to have made your acquaintance. "?
Spinach has been pulled off the shelves because of an e.coli scare.
Grocers say a recall is unnecessary. Most people with probably
toss it on their own. (Alan Ray)
Terrible traffic gridlock in Manhattan today. I don't know if you
know the reason, but it's because dozens of world leaders are in
town at the United Nations today. France sent President Jacques
Chirac, Canada sent Prime Minister Stephen Harper, and Mexico sent
the five guys who aren't already here. (Conan O'Brien)
The White House office of National Drug Control Policy will run
anti- drug videos on YouTube narrated by Rush Limbaugh. (Bob Mills)
SKI SEASON WARM-UP · Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk- in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up. · Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. · For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in each of your street shoes and tighten a C-clamps around your toes. · Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. · Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line. · Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. · Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler. · Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker! · Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. · Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday. ·
Weird Fact of the Day:
The Titanic had only 20 life boats.
I was pretty bummed when I realized that since I have a girlfriend
now, I won't be able to go strip clubs anymore. But then she told
me about something called a strip MALL! And the best part is,
she's totally into it and wants to take me there this weekend! Am
I the luckiest guy in the world, or what?
I am a bus driver for high school kids. It is Christmas time
and the kids all gave me cards and presents. Now I'm thinking,
"Man I must be a good driver and the kids even like me." I opened
one of the cards when I got home.
On the inside the card it said: "Thanks for not killing us yet. We
really appreciate it."
The following are different answers given by young school-age children to the given questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. He made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world, and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.
What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
How did your Mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!
Describe the world's greatest Mom?
1. She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
2. The greatest Mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is anything about your Mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them fr om the dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
A young lady was a theater major applying for fall semester classes.
At the end of the busy day she goes back to her dorm and enters in a
huff of anger. "What's wrong, Shelly?" Asks her roommate. "Well, all
the acting classes are filled. I couldn't even get into Mime class."
"Why not?" "How should I know? You can't get a word out of those
A young man was talking to God. "How long is a million years to You?"
he asked. "A million years to Me is like a single second to you," God
replied. "How much is a million dollars to You?" the young man asked.
"A million dollars to Me is like a penny to you," God replied. "In
that case," the young man ventured, "Could I have one of Your
pennies?" "Certainly, My Son," God replied. "Just a second."
It had been a great year. He had never had as fine a wheat crop in
all his years of farming. He was able to fill not only the large silo
but the two smaller ones as well. And he had sold his crop at a
premium price. Unfortunately, the day before the tankers were to
arrive to pick up his crop a major storm hit and the roof on the main
silo leaked. Using their powerful vacuums the workers tried to
deliver the wheat crop from the silo into the tankers but were
unsuccessful. When they asked the farmer what he wanted done, he
answered, "If at first you don't suck seed, try dryer grain."
Seven Stages of the Married Cold
Stage 1: Sugar dumpling, I've really been worried about my baby
girl. That's a bad sniffle and there's no telling about
these things with all the strep that's going around.
I'm going to put you in the hospital for a general
check-up and a good rest. I know the food's terrible,
but I'm going to bring you dinner every night from
Rosini's. I've got it all arranged with the floor
Stage 2: Listen, darling, I don't like the sound of that cough.
I'm going to call Doc Miller to rush over here. Now you
go to bed like a good girl just for papa.
Stage 3: Maybe you'd better lie down, honey. Nothing like a
little rest when you feel lousy. I'll bring you
something. Have we got any canned soup?
Stage 4: Now look, dear, be sensible. After you've fed the kids
and gotten the dishes done and the floor mopped, you'd
better lie down for a while.
Stage 5: Why don't you take a couple of aspirins?
Stage 6: Why you'd just gargle or something instead of sitting
around barking like a seal all evening!
Stage 7: Would you stop coughing on me?!? Are you trying to
give me pneumonia?!?
Don't try to actually read this word for word - it'll give 'ya a migraine !!
There is a disease terrible that strikes 10 out of 1 Americans 15 every
minutes. Vocal Dyslexia it's called. An elment I've been lifing all my
fight. It can warn without striking and has no regard for case, read, or
~ speechaled garb
~ backs coming out wordward
~ and an inability to sent a complete putence together
The victims: innocent people like you and pe
Sadly, Vocal Dyslexia is wilding liek spreadfire and there is no cureful
symp, butthere is hope. The dyslexia foundation has recommended these things
3rd: at the first trub of signale phonsult a confition
2nd: stay in bed and drink flenty of pluids
1st: read as can as you much
For more information write: 999 Teenfifth Street, Grand Mapids, Ricaghan
Thank you muchy ver.