Friday's Funnies

A group of nuns were travelling in a car when it had a flat tire. They
got out and attempted to change it, but being rather unworldly, they had
no idea how to go about it. Fortunately, a truck came along and the
driver offered to change it for them. They gratefully accepted.

As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack.
"Son-of-a-bitch!" he screamed.

"Sir, that is inappropriate language," the eldest nun said. "We
understand you're upset, but must you use such language?"

"My apologies, Sister," he replied, and tried again. It slipped again
and nearly smashed his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch!" he screamed.

"Please, sir, we would ask you again to not use such language," the nun
scolded. "If changing our tire is causing you to do so, perhaps it would
be best if you didn't help us."

"I'm sorry, Sister, but I get so upset that it just comes out," the
trucker replied.

"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset. Say
something like 'Dear Lord, help me'."

Once more, the trucker attempted to jack up the car and again it
slipped. He began to blurt out "Son..." but quickly caught himself and
said, "Dear Lord, help me."

At that, the car miraculously rose into the air all by itself.

Staring in amazement, the nuns exclaimed, "Son-of-a-bitch!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
There was 3 old men at the nursing home sitting
by a pool talking about old
times. One of the men asked the other two what was the
worst sound they ever heard. The first old man said,
"Well I was in Africa once and had a herd of wild elephants
come in my direction and I had no place to hide."
The second old man said, "I was a pilot in the air force
and was flying over the ocean and the engine on my plane
was making bad noises like it was going to quit."
The third old man who had asked the question said, "I have
the worst one of all. I was seeing this woman and her
husband came in on us while we were in the bed together.
I jumped up and ran and jumped out the window."
The third old man paused and the other two men asked,
"Well, what was the bad sound?"
The third old man replied, "Just a minute. This is
hard for me to retell."
After a short pause he said, "Okay, I jumped out the
window and the woman's husband grabbed me by the balls!
So there I was, hanging by my balls, and the worst sound
I ever heard happened. It was the sound of a man trying
to open his pocket knife with his teeth!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Weird Fact :
The triangular shape that Toblerone chocolates are packaged in, is protected by law.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Marriage Joke A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, get me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled but brought him the beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start soon." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him another beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, one more beer before it starts." "That's it!" She blows her top! "You b**tard! You waltz in here, flop your fat a*s down, don't even say 'hello' to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed, "Oh sh-t, it's started."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Weird Fact :
The largest diamond that was ever found was 3106 carats.




Weird Fact :
Mexico City boasts the world's largest taxi fleet with over sixty thousand taxis running every day.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
While on holiday in Kenya and walking through the bush a man comes across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seems distressed so the man approaches very carefully. He gets down on one knee and inspects the bottom of the elephant's foot only to find a large thorn deeply embedded. As carefully and as gently as he can he removes the thorn and the elephant gingerly puts its foot down. The elephant turns to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stares at him. For a good ten minutes the man stands frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant turns and walks away. For years after, the man often remembers and ponders the events of that day. Years later the man is walking through the zoo with his son. As they approach the elephant enclosure, one of the elephants turns and walks over to where they are standing at the rail. It stares at him and the man can't help wondering if this is the same elephant. The man climbs tentatively over the railing and makes his way into the enclosure. He walks right up to the elephant and stares back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant wraps its trunk around one of the man's legs and swings him wildly back and forth along the railing, instantly killing him. Probably not the same elephant then.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Any Last Requests?

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad
the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being
very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something
specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they
asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing.
It went on like this all day. Finally when he was put before the firing
squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No,"
the inmate said, "just get it over with." "Well, is there anything that
I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a
special last meal!" The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is
my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite
song, one whole time through, with no interruptions. " The guard nodded
and told him to go ahead. The inmate started, "One billion bottles of
beer on the wall..."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
20 major events that have occurred since the Chicago Cubs last laid
claim to a World Series championship (1906):
-
1. Radio was invented; Cubs fans got to hear their team lose.
-
2. TV was invented; Cubs fans got to see their team lose.
-
3. Baseball added 14 teams; Cubs fans get to see and hear their team
lose to more clubs.
-
4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th,
70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.
-
5. Haley's comet passed Earth twice.
-
6. Harry Caray was born....and died.
-
7. The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and Chicago teams won
championships in each league.
-
8. Man landed on the moon, as have several home runs given up by Cubs
pitchers.
-
9. Sixteen U.S. presidents were elected
-
10. There were 11 amendments added to the Constitution.
-
11. Prohibition was created and repealed.
-
12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered and became
the subject of major motion pictures, the latest giving Cubs fans hope
that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.
-
13. Wrigley Field was built and becomes the oldest park in the National
League
-
14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field roof to hold all of the
team's future World Series pennants. Those flag poles have since rusted
and been taken down.
-
15. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympics have been held.
-
16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown; several
thanked Cubs pitchers.
-
17. Bell-bottoms came in style, went out of style and came back in.
-
18.The Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox, Arizona Diamondbacks and the
Florida Marlins have all won the World Series.
-
19. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games; they lost the majority
of them.
-
20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma and New Mexico were added to the
Union


Mad

1) Your cow insists on wearing a little steak sauce
behind each ear as cologne.

2) She refuses to let you milk her, saying
"Not on the first date."

3) Your cow takes up painting and cuts off
one of its ears.

4) Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.

5) Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be
a horse trapped in a cow's body.

6) Your cow demands to be branded with the
'Golden Arches Logo'.

7) Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.

8) Your cow thought Bruce Seldom would beat
Mike Tyson.

9) Your cow insists evaporated milk comes
from thirsty cows.

10) Your cow quits the family dairy business
and applies for a job at Burger King.

11) She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.

12) Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because,
hey, its already got a cool leather jacket.

13) Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than
eating it.

14) Your cow spends half the day sitting in the
Lotus Position chanting "MOO" backwards.

15) Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate
milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.

16) Your cow seems to actually enjoy being 'Hogtied'.

17) Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if
you'll wear something sexy this time.

18) Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and
yells out "Bull's-eye"!

19) Your cow starts smoking the cowlick.

20) Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be
called "LaCream Abdul Milkbar".

21) Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of
stupid cows.

22) Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk
spurts out its nose.

23) You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn
down half of Chicago.

24) Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.

25) Your cow believes it could really jump over the
moon, like in the nursery rhyme, if it got a really good
run at it.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Becky and Sally Ann were blondes and doing some carpentry work on a
house.

Becky, who was nailing down siding would reach
into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her
shoulder or nail it in.

Sally Ann, figuring this was worth looking into,
asked, "Why are you throwing the nails away?"

Becky explained, "When I pull a nail out of my
pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw
them away."

Sally Ann got completely upset and yelled, "You
moron! The nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the
house!
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty
when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the
ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks
buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming
out of the channel.
The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was
abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer
under way.
The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised
when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio
message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal
congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise
according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however,
you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- make sure the
Captain is aboard before getting under way."



Charles, a Frenchman, was leaving his Parisian home for a few weeks and
confided in his friend, Pierre, "I always hate leaving my wife for so
long like this. When I'm away, I just don't know what she is doing.
There's always the doubt, always the doubt."

Pierre said, "Charles, I'll tell you what. Because we're such close
friends, I'll keep an eye on her every evening that you're gone."

"You would do that for me, Pierre?" Charles said, relieved. "Oh thank
you so very much. I know I really should trust my wife, but it's just
that there's always the doubt, always the doubt."

So Charles went off on his business trip and returned to Paris three
weeks later. The two men met again.

"Charles, I'm afraid I have bad news for you," Pierre said. "The very
first night you were gone, I watched this man go to your house. Your
wife opened the door naked and kissed and hugged him. He fondled her
breasts. He rubbed her crotch. Then they closed the door to go upstairs.
Never daunted, I climbed up the tree outside your house and watched them
in the bedroom."

"And so...?" inquired Charles.

"Well, first they took off all his clothes"

"What happened then?" asked Charles.

"Then," Pierre shook his head sorrowfully, "then they closed the
curtains. I could see nothing. I could learn nothing more."

Charles sighed a deep sigh. "So you see how it is, my friend? Always the
doubt, always the doubt."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Bambi (a blonde) goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of
x-ray glasses. She checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but the
store assistant comes along and closes the deal. On her way home, Bambi
puts on her new x-ray glasses and, bingo! She sees everyone in the
street naked. She takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their
clothes on. Puts the glasses back on...everyone is naked! "Cool!"

As she arrives back home, she is eager to show her new toy to her
husband, but can't find him. She goes up to the bedroom and finds her
husband and the young woman from next door naked in bed. She takes the
glasses off, and the two are still naked. She put them back on, and
they are still naked.

Bambi then says: "Darn, I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're
already broken!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
"Will I be the first to do this to you ?"
whispered the man after his bride-to-be finally
consented to sex.

"What a silly question..." giggled the girl, "I
don't even know what position you want to use
yet."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

A delicate young man walked into an army recruiting
office. After answering numerous questions, he was
finally asked if he was a homosexual. The guy
admitted that he was.

"Gay, huh?" the brawny recruiter growled. "Do you
think you could kill a man?"

"My, yes," the man giggled, "but it would take days
and days."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

My ideal measurements for a woman are...
80 ~ 20 ~ 102
80 years old
20 million in the bank
102 fever




Desert

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the
third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After
dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this
looks pretty grim."

I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive
more than a day or two."

I agree", says the Father, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out
of here alive, would you do something for me?"

"Anything, Father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was
wondering if I might see yours."

"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely
breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister, would you mind
if I touched them? She consented and he fondled them for several
minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?
"Yes, Sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"

"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh
Father, may I touch it?"

This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he
was sporting a huge erection.

Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
produce life." "Is that true father?" "Yes, it is, Sister."

"Oh Father that's wonderful, stick it in the camel and let's get the
hell out of here."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
"It's funny,"says Samantha, "Peter's balls are always
cold as ice when I'm sucking his dick."
"You know what?" replies Jenny. "It's exactly the
same with my Richard..."
They turn to the third blonde and ask, "When you
blow Chris, are his balls cold, too?"
"Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put Chris's thing
in my mouth!"
"You're crazy," one of the blondes pipes up. "A
good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy. You
should try it."
She says she'll think about it. The next morning,
they meet at the cafe and the blowjob novice is
sporting a wicked shiner.
"Whoa!" the first blonde asks. "How did you get
that black eye?"
"Chris hit me when I was blowing him," she says.
"What on earth for?" the second blonde asks.
"I don't know," she replies. "All I did was tell him
how strange it was that his balls were so warm,
seeing as how Pete's and Richard's are so cold."




Weird Fact :
Peter the Great executed his wife's lover, and forced her to keep her lover's head in a jar of alcohol in her bedroom. (And the problem with this was?)
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
There were two good ol' boys from the South,
who love to fish, and they wanted to do some
ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada,
so they took off up there. The lake was frozen
nicely. They stopped just before they got to the
lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle.
One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice
pick." So they got that, and they took off.

In about two hours, one of them was back at
the shop and said, "We're gonna need another
dozen ice picks."

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask
some questions, but he didn't. He sold him
the picks, and the old boy left. In about an
hour, he was back. Said, "We're gonna
need all the ice picks you've got."

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer.
"By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows
doing?"

"Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even
got the boat in the water yet."