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Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my doberman Spike. He won't bother you. But whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking doberman he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
See, men just don't listen ! **************
When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.
When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch.
When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a bitch.
Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart. It means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me. When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish. It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be. I am outspoken, opinionated and determined I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that! So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed.
And if that makes me a bitch , so be it. I embrace the title and am proud to bear it B - Babe I - In T - Total C - Control of H - Herself
B = Beautiful I = Intelligent T = Talented C = Charming H = Hell of a Woman
B = Beautiful I = Individua l T = That C = Can H = Handle anything
Send this to 5 women to put a smile on their face!! "If you can't do something right, get a woman to do it...
Old ladies and condoms
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel." The pharmacist fainted.
~~< * >~~
This is bad.
This is why I don't trust tree huggers!
While walking through the Boulder, Colorado woods, a man came upon
another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his
arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his
wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy
handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story. The other guy shook his head in
sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and
said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."
* >~~ ~~< *
A woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs ... a green spot on the inside of each. They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse. The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings.
Much to her relief, it's the doctor.
She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots?
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy -- there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"
The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"
The state trooper pulled Mr. Schwarz over and, after inspecting his
license and registration, informed the motorist that he was going to
have to spend the night in jail. "What's the charge? Mr. Schwarz
demanded. "None," replied the officer. "It's all part of the service."
~~< * >~~
I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all
the time. It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and
have his legs checked out. For years, he refused, told me I was
crazy. But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor
discovered his left leg was 1/4" shorter than his right. A quick bit
of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured, and both legs are exactly
the same length now, and he no longer leans. "So," I said, "You
didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg." He
just looked at me and said, "I stand corrected."
~~< * >~~
A trainee for the New York Police Department, was asked the following
hypothetical question: "If your beat was a lonely path in Central
Park, and a beautiful young girl rushed up to you and declared that a
strange man had suddenly grabbed her, and hugged and kissed her, what
would you do?" The police-officer-in-training replied without
hesitation, "I would endeavor to reconstruct the crime."
~~< * >~~
A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness. "You claim to
have stopped by Mrs. Edwards' house just after breakfast. Will you
tell the jury what she said?" "Objection, your honor," shouted the
other lawyer. There then followed a long argument between the lawyers
as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the
judge allowed it. "So," the first lawyer continued, "Please, answer
the question. What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house
after breakfast on December 3rd?" "Nothing," said the witness. "No
one was home."
~~< * >~~
My sister-in-law and I were pregnant at the same time. She went into
labor, and my brother bundled her off to the hospital. A short time
later, I arrived to keep him company, and he met me in the lobby.
"Come back ," he said. As we walked through the maternity ward, one
patient gave my bulging figure a startled glance. "Will you look at,
that!" we heard her exclaim to her roommate. "There he goes with
In case you guys have forgotten.......
Medical facts which all males should be aware of.......
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject. In reality there isn't much difference since either one will ultimately result in your death.
Subject: Blonde Selling Her Car
Blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was having a lot
of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000
miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with
at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to
make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of
owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'.
Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the
mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked
the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000
miles on it!"
Real 911 Calls, believe it or not!!
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house
on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite
out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of
Caller: Hi, is this the police?
Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don
't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a
turkey? I've never cooked one before.
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. Fire or emergency?
Called: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering... ..does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on
my tires and....well. ... do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and
Dispatcher: Help you what? Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is the nature of your emergency? Caller:
I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband
And the winner is..........
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn......
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Dispatcher: What where you doing before you started having trouble
Caller: Running from the police. :>)
A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted
to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he
could think of but none of them worked. On the day of
the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial
was about to begin he asked if he could approach the
"Your Honor," he said, " I must be excused from this
trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I
took one look at the man in the blue suit with those
beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a
crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty' So your Honor, I could
not possibly stay on this jury!"
The judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. You are
just the kind of juror we are looking for -- a good judge
of character. That man is his lawyer."
A guy was down on Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco when he saw a
seafood restaurant and a sign on the Specials Board which read, "Big
Lobster Tales, $5 each.
" Amazed at the great value, he said to the waitress, "$5 each for
lobster tails ... . . . is that correct?" "Yes", she said, "It's our
special just for today." "Well", he said, "they must be little lobster
tails." "No," she replied, "It's the really big lobster." Are you sure
they aren't green lobster tails - and a little bit tough?" "No", she
said, "it's the really big red lobster." "Big red lobster tails, $5
each?", he said, amazed. "They must be old lobster tails!" "No, they're
definitely today's." "Today's big red lobster tails - $5 each?", he
repeated, astounded. "Yes", she insisted. "Well, here's my five
dollars," he said, "I'll take one.
She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit
down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder,
leaned over close to him and said, "Once upon a time there was a really
big red lobster ..."
Rushing to a bridge tournament, I was pulled over for going 43 in a 35
"What'll I tell my husband?" I worried, explaining to the police officer
that he was a self-described "perfect" driver.
The cop took a second look at the name and address on my license. "Did
your husband go duck hunting this morning?"
"Yes," I said, baffled as to how he knew.
The officer finished with, "I stopped him for going 47."
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she
cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he
got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a
circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move.
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh,
you think that's funny? Watch this." He gets a baseball bat out of his truck
and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a
smile on her face. He is getting really mad.
He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The
truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and
gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around
and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" The truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4
After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has
been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a
detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be
found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been
There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two
tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your
car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to
rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two
tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and- western music
Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return
home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been
taken from though out the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a
note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my
newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"
Weird Fact of the Day:
Most Americans' car horns beep in the key of F.
INSULT TO INJURY
An unemployed sanitation worker in Miami is also facing life in prison -- for shooting himself in the privates. In a drunken stupor, the man reached for a pistol he had hidden in his pants. The gun went off, and the bullet struck the man in the... nuggets. At first, he told officers someone else had shot him, but changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in his underwear. Cops ruled the shooting accidental, but the man was charged with a concealed weapons violation and possession of a firearm by a convicted felon. The maximum sentence for those crimes is normally 15 years but, because the man has a record as a violent career criminal, a Miami prosecutor is asking the judge to send him away for life. The man's public defender calls that "ridiculous," and says the man's injury is punishment enough
The little cabbage in the field was consulting its mother about life.
"Life," said the mother "is a gamble; you've got to withstand storms,
drought, wind, animals--not to mention bugs, lice, mold, rot. But, if
you don't give up, you'll thrive and grow." "Life certainly is a
gamble," agreed the little cabbage, "but there's one thing you
haven't made clear: when do I quit growing?" "As in any other gamble,
" said Mother Cabbage, "quit when you're a head!"
An English major was being released from prison. The nice looking
female clerk was about to give him the $100.00 they give to all
released prisoners. Since the inmate had not had female attention for
a long time, he suggested that she could keep the money if she would
have sex with him. He was immediately rearrested and thrown back into
jail. Everybody knows you should never end a sentence with a