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This That And Frog Hair2: Overload Wednesday

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Overload Wednesday





~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Weird Fact of the Day:
Dutch painter Vincent van Gogh cut off his left ear. His 'Self-Portrait with Bandaged Ear'' shows the right one bandaged because he painted the mirror image.


********* ***
An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver
whether he had seen the speed limit signs, the man responded,
"I went by them so fast, I probably missed them."
********* ***
- A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue
doing 79 mph. "My engine misses and I'm trying to clean out the
carburetor," he told the officer. For good measure, he added,
"If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."
********* ***
- "I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late,
they're going to enforce the bench warrant."
********* ***
- An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he
was getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior
citizen's discount"?
********* ***
The story you are about to read is true. The name(s) may have
been changed to protect the stupid...
(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Roseville,
Mighigan where bozo Cassidy Vance broke into a residence only to be
confronted by the owners of the house. They told our bozo they were
having a party that evening and could he please come back tomorrow
night to rob the place. Our bozo processed this suggestion for a
moment and said, "Sure." Believe it or not, he did show back up
the following evening. This time the homeowner wasn't so nice. He
roughed him up a little bit before calling the cops. By the way,
our bozo is now suing the homeowner for his injuries.


I hadn't seen my family for some time and, feeling especially
nostalgic, I was looking forward to this visit. Most of all I wanted
to see my grandparents, who were getting on in years. On my second
day, my sister and I took my maternal grandma out for lunch. At one
point Grandma suddenly turned to me and said: "I'm glad I got the
chance to see you, dear. I'm not going to be around much longer,
you know."
"Oh, Grandma!" I protested, close to tears. "Of course you are!" I
grasped her hand and held it tenderly.
"No, I'm not," Grandma repeated excitedly. "I leave for Las Vegas
in three days!"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking
fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man
stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on
our life jackets. We're one short."

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the teacher On the first
day of the new academic year.
"He's a magician, Ma'am," said the new boy.
"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"
"He saws people in half."
"Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"
"One half brother and two half sisters."

~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a
very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's
window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took
my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification
of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal
with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.
"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that
you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter
of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn
in excess of $5000."
"It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!"
"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. "But
you will notice that your hiccups are gone."



The story you are about to read is true. The name(s) may have
been changed to protect the stupid...
The Bozo criminal for today is somewhat unique in that he's not
a criminal, just a politician. It'll be up to you to decide who
the real bozo is. From Ontario, California comes the story of 62
year old Hale McGee who is running for congress there. During a
TV appearance in Ontario, Mr. McGee flatly declared that crime
was absolutely, positively without a doubt not a problem in his
city. Less than an hour later, as Mr. McGee was heading home,
he was robbed of 80 bucks and his cell phone.
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
A new recruit police officer had almost finished his interview,
and the interviewer asked him the last question which was:
"You are on duty. A car crashes in the middle of the road with
two people inside the car, the two people are critically injured
and the car is bady damaged.
The ambulance arrives, but it is going too fast and crashes into
the damaged car. The car blows up and causes the ambulance to flip
on its side.
A passer-by, while walking on the sidewalk is toppled, by the force
of the explosion, into the river beside the road. Unfortunately
he cannot swim and is drowning in the river.
Another man runs out of a house screaming, and shouts that his
wife is pregnant and about to have her baby any second now.
"What would you do in this situation?", the interviewer asked.
The recruit looks around the office and thinks for a while... he
replies, "I'd take off my uniform and disappear into the crowd!"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
"Doctor, my husband has a strange disease," the woman says. "I
think it's from stress and overwork. Every time I start asking
him for money, he can't hear me at all."

"Well, dear, it's not a disease-it's a talent."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
A harried driving instructor came home from work, kicked off his
shoes, and fell into a chair. "I'm thinking of taking six or seven
of my students to England," he said. "What on earth for?" his
wife asked.
"It might make them feel good to see what it's like to drive on
the left side of the road-legally. "



The story you are about to read is true. The name(s) may have
been changed to protect the stupid...

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Santa Cruz, California where
bozo Eumelio Garcia was in jail on theft charges. Bozo broke out
of jail and went to visit his girlfriend. Within an hour he and
his girlfriend were having a yelling, screaming fight. Pretty soon,
the jail doesn't look so bad to our bozo. So he heads back to jail
and literally tries tries to break back in. This wasn't quite as
easy as breaking out. Our bozo has now had assault and jailbreak
charges added to his sentence.

~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
As a writer for one of the less glamorous sections of a newspaper,
I also do entertainment features on rare occasions. Once, I was
assigned to review a play that hadn't opened yet.
After the rehearsal, I was chatting with the cast and mentioned
what I usually do at the paper.
One thespian, shaking his head, remarked, "Oh, great. The play
hasn't even opened yet, and they send in the obituary writer."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
Doug goes to a doctor and says: "Doctor, my wife recently has lost
her voice. What should I do to help her get it back?"
The doctor replies, "Try coming home at 3 in the morning!"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#

The call girl confided to her friend, "I'm afraid I'm going to
have to give up analysis."
"But why? Isn't Dr. Greene helping you?"
"Yes, a lot," the call girl agreed. "Problem is, I just can't get
used to lying down for a guy and then having him give me the bill."






A brunette and a blonde are walking through the park when the
brunette sees a dead bird on the sidewalk and she says "Look at
the dead bird!" The blonde looks upwards and says "where?"
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
The story you are about to read is true. The name(s) may have
been changed to protect the stupid...

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today's
report. From the International File in Moscow, Russia comes the
story of a bozo car thief who didn't get very far before his stolen
vehicle ran out of gas. A couple of helpful police officers pulled
over and pushed the car out of the roadway. They were just about to
leave when one of them noticed something strange...a screwdriver
sticking out of the car's ignition. A quick check found not only
was this car stolen but out bozo was wanted for a string of other
thefts. Busted!




20 Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity.
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Some one Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Cheques, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera

13.Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play
tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity...... Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. It's called therapy

May your troubles be less, your blessings be more and nothing but happiness come through your door


Weird Fact of the Day:
A squash ball moving at 150 kilometers per hour has the same impact of a .22 bullet.

~~< * >~~
Commercial Slogans & the real meaning...

"A diamond is forever."
"Which is *exactly* how long you'll be
hearing about it from the wife if you don't
cough up the green for some ice, pal."

"Built Ford tough"
"It's an American version of tough; not *
really* tough, like German cars are tough."

"I can't believe it's not butter!"
"Being around Fabio, for even a few seconds,
makes you dumb as a post."

"Pork; the other white meat"
"When Hesston starts screaming that it's people,
don't say we didn't warn you."

"An Army of one"
"Can't be gay all by yourself, can ya?"

"A diamond says you'd marry her all over again"
"You're too classy for a $50 hooker every week."

"Have it your way"
"Think of us as your personal hamburger whore."

"Just Do It"
"We know you'll never get off the couch lard-ass;
just buy the friggin' shoes."

"The new way to office"
"The half-assed way to slogan."

"It's so chunky, you'll be tempted to eat it with a fork." "Those damn
slicing machines are still dumping way too many body parts in our
soups!"

"Must-see TV"
"Yeah, what else are you gonna do, Shakespeare? Read?!"

"Calgon, take me away!"
"I've got my Mr. Showerhead poised for action."

"Like a rock"
"God knows we weren't selling many pickups
with that Boy George tune."
~~~#~~~#~~#~~~#~~#
A woman's husband dies, and while at the funeral home watching the
mortician prepare her husband for final internment, she asked if he
would cut off her husbands dick for her. The mortician thought this to
be an odd request, but since it was her husband, he complied with her
wishes and cut it off and gave it to her. She wrapped it up and took it
home. When she got home, she pulled out a frying pan, threw some chopped
onions, garlic, green peppers, and some butter into the pan, and started
cutting up the dick. Her neighbor walked in at this point and saw what
she was doing, and asked, "What are you doing with *that*??!!" The woman
replied, "Hey, for 35 years I ate it his way, now I'm gonna eat it my
way!"
~~< * >~~
A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home
for Rosh Hashanah. "Oh," the Catholic girl says. "That's the holiday
when you light the eight candles, right?" "No," the Jewish girl replies.
"That's Hanukah." "Oh, right," the Catholic girl says. " Rosh Hashanah
is the holiday when you eat the unleavened bread?" "No," the Jewish girl
replies. "That's Passover.Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the
shofar." "See," the Catholic Girl says. "That's what I like about you
Jews... you're so good to the hired help."
Wife: "The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie."
Husband: "Oh? And which is this?"
What's the best part of a blow-job when you're married?
The few minutes of silence.
I work 40 hours a week to be this poor!!!
Dan Rather is interviewing Monica and said, "Monica, this trouble will
pass and you're still young and have a future in front of you. What
would you like to do with the rest of your life?" Monica said, "Well,
Dan, I have thought of going back to school." Dan said, "That is a great
idea. What would you like to be?" Monica said, "I would like to be a
doctor." Dan laughed and said, "You can never be a doctor.. You sucked
as an intern."
@>`~~~~>,~~~
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the
beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't, and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our
big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
"Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly
"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson. "

Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes," he replied.

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A little bit more........ ...


She sells C cells by the sea shore!

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