Saturday's Giggles and URLS
Thought for the day...
Stop obsessing so much on keeping
score and getting ahead. Focus
instead on creating real and
lasting value from each moment you
~~< * >~~
In a hurry to make an appointment on time, a businessman parked his
car in a no parking zone, and left the following note under the
"I've circled the block for 15 minutes without finding a parking
spot. If I don't park here, I'll lose my job. Remember the bible,
'Forgive us our trespasses.' "
Returning later to his car, he found parking ticket and this note
under the windshield wiper:
"I've been circling this block for 15 years. If I don't give you a
ticket, I'll lose my job. Remember the bible, 'Lead us not into
A lady was taking her time browsing through everything at a yard sale and said to the homeowner, "My husband is going to be very angry when he finds out I stopped at a yard sale."
"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains," the homeowner replied.
"Normally, yes," the lady said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."
~~< * >~~
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large
amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.
The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been
paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them
"We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a collect
phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
To address an emergency call a doctor came to see a rich patient at his home, who was screaming with extreme stomach pain and was surrounded by many anxious relatives. The Doctor kicked all the relatives out of the room, closed the door with patient and he inside.
After a while he came out and asked, "Please give me a pair of scissors." People gave him stainless steel scissors. He again went inside, closed the door and soon came back. He said, "Please give me a hammer." He got one. A number of times he repeated the routine of going inside, closing the door and then coming back again for a new tool.
Finaly he came outside one more time and asked, "Please give me a screw driver." The oldest son could not stand it any more and lost his patience. In a crying voice he pleaded, "Doctor please tell us what has happened to our dear Dad. Will he live? Could we open his will?"
The doctor said, "No, I don't know that yet. I am still trying to open my stupid bag - I lost the key."
~~< * >~~
Weird Fact of the Day:
It is not possible to tickle yourself. The cerebellum, a part of the brain, warns the rest of the brain that you are about to tickle yourself. Since your brain knows this, it ignores the resulting sensation.
How To Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry
hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make
mental note to do more sit-ups/leg- lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage
shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub
for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and
jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown
and towel on head.
If you see husband
along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the
bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her
making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower. Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water
rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs
stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,
light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her
and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING 'CAUSE MOST OF IT'S TRUE!!!!!!
~~< * >~~
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit
under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator. "
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar
for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd
probably die laughing".
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?
From an MD. resident to his senator
The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes
309 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington DC , 20510
Dear Senator Sarbanes,
As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the
Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for
your assistance. I have contacted the Department of
Homeland Security in an effort to determine the
process for becoming an illegal alien and they
referred me to you.
My primary reason for wishing to change my status
from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stem from the
bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for
which you voted.
If my understanding of this bill's provisions is
accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the
United States for five years, all I need to do to
become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income
taxes for three of the last five years. I know a
good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the
process started before everyone figures it
Simply put, those of us who have been here legally
have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited
about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in
return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way
that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This
would yield an excellent result for me and my family
because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.
Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin
using the local emergency room as my primary health
care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums
for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could
save almost $10,000 a year. Another benefit in
gaining illegal status would be that my daughter
would receive preferential treatment relative to her
law school applications, as well as "in-state"
tuition rates for many colleges throughout the
United States for my son.
Lastly, I understand that illegal status would
relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's
license and making those burdensome car insurance
premiums. This is very important to me given that I
still have college age children driving my car.
If you would provide me with an outline of the
process to become illegal (retroactively if
possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would
be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.
Your Loyal Constituent,
A couple just started their Lamaze class and they
were given an activity requiring the husband to wear
a bag of sand to give himan idea of what it feels like
to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged
saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the
husband to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant,
the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his
wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head
of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he
said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation." The
human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that
next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his
desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven
years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."
Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful young fairy princess who
dreamed of being a ballet dancer. Then one day, she read an ad in her
email that announced the Royal Ballet's next auditions in a nearby
town. So on the right day, the fairy princess geared up one hundred
white pigeons to her chariot, and off they flew to the theater. After
witnessing her outrageous entrance, the director immediately told her
to go back home. "But why?" wept the broken-hearted shell of a would-
be-ballerina. "Because," came the heartless reply, "I've got enough
pigeon-towed dancers in the company already."
We encouraged our 18-year-old daughter to find a job to help pay for
her college education. One day she came home with five applications,
and later that evening we read them. Under "Previous Employment," she
listed "Baby-sitting." And under "Reason for Leaving" she wrote,
"They came home."
A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up winning a few
acres of swamp land below the flood plain in Mississippi. Before I
knew it, right after that I won a $250,000 house, so naturally I
built it on my new land. Last week, I won enough money in the lottery
to quit my job and move down there for good. And just last night, as
sat on my new porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder,
it all started to sink in.