Sunday Late Edition
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot
sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet
or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder
what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a
" Wow," the guy replies. "You actually understood
and answered me!"
"I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly
educated bird." says the parrot.
"OK! Then answer this -- how do you hang onto
your perch without any feet?" the guy asks.
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very
embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my
weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook.
You can't see it because of my feathers."
"You really can understand and speak English
can't you?" says the guy.
" Actually, I speak Spanish and English, I can
converse with reasonable competence on almost
any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics,
philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You
really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry,
but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so
the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have
any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just
make an offer!"
He offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a
great sense of humor, he's interesting and is a
great pal, he sympathizes and is insightful. The
guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the
parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst, " and motions him
over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell
you this or not, but it's about your wife and the
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered mail today, your wife
greeted him in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT?" the guy asks."THEN what happened?"
"The postman came into the house and lifted up
her nightie and began petting her all over,"
reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes, then he continued taking off the nightie , got
on his knees and began kissing her all over"
The guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off
Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60 year-old
man "You always feel like you have to pee and most
of the time you stand there and nothing happens."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When
you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement
any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the
toilet all day and nothing happens."
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst
age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a
racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee
every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning
at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up till 7:00."
~~< * >~~
Our friend, Holly, a generously endowed young
lady, when at college, often got teased by her
sorority sisters for being a bit top-heavy.
At one fraternity party, a young man asked her
what she would like to drink.
"Diet soda, please," she replied. "Oh, you must be
the double D." he commented.
Holly was furious, wondering which of her so-called
friends had divulged such personal information. "And
just what do you mean by that?" she snapped.
Surprised by her angry response, the young man
meekly answered, "Well, you know, the
A husband and wife were celebrating their 80th wedding
anniversary, and the media was there to document the
occasion. One of the reporters asked the secret to their
successful marriage and longevity.
The wife replied that they had never been sick.
The young reporter was astonished and to confirm said,
"So, you've never been bedridden."
And the wife quickly replied, "Oh, 1000's of times, and
twice in a buggy."
Weird Fact of the Day:
Popeye is 34 years old, weighs 158 lbs, and is 5 feet 6 inches tall.
~~< * >~~
During a revival meeting, the charismatic evangelist asked people who had a need to come up on stage. He went to the first guy and said, "What is your need, brother"?
"My hearing," he said.
The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, invoked the Lord and asked, "How's your hearing"?
"I don't know. It's not until next Tuesday."
Jill meets Nadine for lunch. "You're looking very
tired today, Jill. Did you have a late night?"
"Yes," replies Jill, "but it was all very
strange. While doing some gardening yesterday, I
found a lamp, so I rubbed it and out popped a
genie. He gave me a choice of two wishes."
"Wow," says Nadine, "so what were the choices he gave you, Jill?"
"He said he could either give me an excellent,
sharp, 100% memory or else he could give my
boyfriend a bigger penis."
"So tell me already, Jill, what did you choose?"
"I can't remember," replies Jill.
PEST CONTROL A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to the lover,"into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone, " said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said,.. "Those little bastards!"
One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years.. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."
William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.
"Dad has done so much harm.. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister. "
His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father!"
~~< * >~~
Just keeping you posted so you will not embarrass yourself.
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, those of us in Arkansas and Missouri will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to us as: OZARK-AMERICANS.
Thank you! Now if you'll excuse me, I got possums to fry
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, "I think my wife is having sex with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine." His second friend says, "I think my wife is having sex with the plumber. The other day I found a pipe-wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine." Paddy says, "I think my wife is having sex with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
~~< * >~~
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the
VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why
he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
am and have been a nun as long as ! I have, you get a chance to see
and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you
could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker
blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts
"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Dave and I'm going to a
~~< * >~~
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."