A man goes to the doctor and reports that he hasn't been feeling well.
The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back
with three different bottles of pills.
"Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up," the doctor says. "Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch.
Then, just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "My goodness, Doc, exactly what's my problem?" Says the doctor, "You're not drinking enough water."
"There's a double standard, even today. A man can sleep around and sleep around, and nobody asks any questions. A woman, you make nineteen or twenty mistakes, right away you're a tramp." - Joan Rivers
On his first date with a beautiful woman, Tim decided to impress her with his knowledge of wine. He told the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Chabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros District. Upon tasting the wine, Tim berated the steward, "No, no, this is a 1987 Vintage from the North coast vineyards near Calistoga. Please bring me what I ordered." The second bottle of wine was poured, and once again Tim was annoyed, "No, no, this is 1985 all right, but it's from the Mount Helena vineyards!" Watching the drama from the bar, an old drunk came up to the table and said, "Wow, that's an impressive ability. Can You tell me what's in my glass?" Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date, Tim sipped at the drunk's glass. "Christ, this tastes like piss", he exclaimed and spat the mouthful out. "That's exactly right", said the drunk. "Now tell me when and where I was born."
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator! " The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!"
An elementary school in Santa Monica is banning tag from the
playground. They're afraid that the game could affect children's
self esteem. This also could prevent the spread of 'kooties'." --Jay
"I like to watch the World Series. Here's what I do. I sit down
and drink a few beers in my underwear and scream at the TV. That's
until they throw me out of Applebees."
"Officials said Tuesday that Iraqis have agreed to develop a
timetable for progress in stabilizing Iraq. So there you have
it. There's now a timetable for establishing a time- table." --Amy
A man was sleeping soundly when his wife shook him and said,
"Wake up, someone is breaking in!"
The man had gone through this same scenario almost every night of
his marriage, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest
was to get up and go check it out.
This time, however, he found that there really was a man with a
gun who entered to rob the house!
As the thief was about to flee the man said, "Stop! You have to
come with me and meet my wife."
Surprised, the thief turned around abruptly and said, "Why would
you want ME to meet your wife?"
The man replied, "She's been expecting you for 20 years."
I had worked late, and my Labrador was so overjoyed to see me arrive
home that he jumped up just as I leaned down. Our heads collided,
and I sported an impressive shiner for several weeks. I had to repeat frequently to co-workers and friends how I came by it, and one day on the elevator, a secretary whom I hadn't seen
for some time looked at my black eye and ex- claimed, "My goodness,
what happened to you?" "The dog did it," I wearily replied.
A man standing next to us looked over at me and said knowingly,
"Ahh, you must own a boxer."
The population of the United States is now at 300 million.
It should be 400 million by Christmas." --Jay Leno
"Here's an odd story. Yesterday a man that was so fat tried
crossing the Mexican border and became trapped in a tunnel.
This really isn't fair. If he's that fat he belongs in the United
States." --Conan O'Brien
I asked my wife if she had seen this morning's paper. She said,
"Yes, I wrapped the garbage in it--just the classified section,
I said, "But...but.. .I haven't seen it yet!"
She replies, "Oh, you didn't miss much. Just some egg shells,
coffee grounds and a few orange peels."
My wife and I received a lovely trophy as a wedding gift from a
friend. But upon closer inspection, we noticed that the plaque
seemed to reveal some dark, previously hidden secret.
There were only two lines on the engraving, and no punctuation.
Read together, it said, "May the Lord Bless You and Keep You From
[From Reader's Digest.]
Cards offering used textbooks for sale are posted on the
college notice board at the beginning of each semester. One read:
"Introduction to Psychology, $8, never used." The card was signed,
The next day a note had been added: "Good price. Are you sure it's
never been used?" Signed, "Prospective buyer."
Below in a different hand was: "Positive!" Signed, "Professor who
graded his exam."
A Chilean taxi driver has come up with a new way to fight robberies,
make your vehicle so conspicuous that nobody would dare try to
After being robbed several times, Juan Geraldo upholstered
and covered every square inch of his car's interior with black
and white spotted cowhides, including the steering wheel and
ceiling. He then decorated the interior with stuffed toy cows,
and added a horn that moos.
"The effect was immediate. They haven't robbed me since," said
Wonder who paid for this?
Fat people use more gasoline says a new study by the University
American are spending more money on fuel these days in part because
adult men and women on average are at least 24 pounds heavier than
their counterparts were in 1960.
Today's automobiles are burning more gasoline to haul all the
extra weight around than they would if drivers weighed the same
as drivers did in 1960.
In 1960, the average male weighed 166 pounds and the average female
was 140. In 2003 the averages were 191 and 164 according to the
National Center of Health stats.
chaos when the coffin it was carrying split open and the body fell
onto the road.
The driver of the hearse crashed the vehicle after falling
asleep. As well as the corpse, a bag of coffin nails also spilled
out into the road, covering an area of about 25 yards.
Local police said the 50-year-old drive suffered slight
injuries. The road was closed for about two hours after the
accident, causing a six mile traffic jam.
The bookie slowly counted out the money into the old lady's
"Lady," he said, "I just don't understand. However did you manage
to pick the winner?"
The old lady patted her white locks in place. She looked a little
"Really," she said, "I don't know myself. I just stick a pin in
the paper and, well, there it is."
The bookie took a deep breath. "That's all very well, lady,"
"But how on earth did you manage to pick four winners yes- terday
"Oh," replied the old lady, "that was easy. I used a fork."
"In Australia, a doctor has discovered a female patient whose sleep
walking causes her to go out and have sex with total strangers
while she?s asleep...They could have diagnosed this years ago,
but no guys ever complained."
Any 24 Fans out there?
Jack Bauer Jokes
* Who says Jack Bauer does not have a heart? He's holding one in
his hand right now.
* If Jack Bauer could bring anyone back to life (maybe David Palmer,
Terry Bauer, Michelle Dessler), he would bring Nina Myers so he
could kill her again.
* Those guys on Prison Break should give up, Jack Bauer will only
hunt them down next season.
* When Jack stares into the sun, the sun flinches.
* "The Following Takes Place Between"... Whenever the &@..~*
Jack Bauer wants it to.
* Why did the terrorist cross the street? To get hit by a car
before Jack Bauer could get him.
* Daylight savings time was created to give Jack Bauer an extra
hour one day a year with which to kill terrorists
* Aaron Pierce quite possibly could be be Jack Bauer's father.
* Jack Bauer spells "idiot" L-o-g-a-n.
* Chuck Norris may have divided by zero, but Jack Bauer can divide
you in half.
* The only reason David Palmer is dead was because when faced
with a national threat, he called the First Lady instead of Jack
* Jack has broken Tony's leg, knocked Curtis out, and shot George
Mason with a tranquilizer dart. Temporary incapacitation is Jack
Bauer's way of saying, "let's be friends."
* Jack Bauer ended The Never Ending Story.
* No man has ever used the phrase, "Jack Bauer is a pussy" in a
sentence and lived to to--
* One bank did a commercial with Jack Bauer in front of a
vault. They haven't been robbed since.
* Jack Bauer doesn't have time to wear a seat belt. It is much
more time-efficient for him to simply shoot anything that might
cause an accident.
* The only way to achieve immortality is to get Jack Bauer to say
to you, "I won't let anything happen to you".
* Jack Bauer's vanity plate reads: IKIL4CTU.
* If Jack Bauer was Santa Claus, the only present you'd get is
* If at first you don't succeed, then your name is not Jack Bauer.
* The show 24 is always opened with.. "Due to graphic violence,
parental discretion is advised", was recently changed to.. "Due
to Jack Bauer."
* Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack
Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the
god damned bomb was.
* The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing
the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer
* Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent
emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack
Bauer still can't believe that wussy went to the hospital first.
* In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida
was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major
hurricane raged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another
movie. See what happens when Bauer isn't around?
* Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If
he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're freakin dead."
* Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in
* Chase Edmunds waited until he was sure Jack Bauer was dead before
he dumped Kim.
* During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and
solves their crimes.
* Dr House once told Jack Bauer that "House" could kick 24's
ass. Notice how House now walks with a limp.
* Jack Bauer could get off the Lost Island in 24 hours.
* The quickest way to a man's heart is through Jack Bauer's gun.
* Jack Bauer often stands in front of his microwave and yells
"WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME" while waiting for his Top Ramen to cook.
* When Jack Bauer turns on an Xbox the screen just says "You Win"
and turns itself off again.
A middle-aged woman enters her family doctor's office in a frantic
She says, "Doctor, I think I'm turning into a horse!"
The doctor, taken aback, replies, "I'm sure you may have SOME problem,
but I assure you no human has ever turned into a horse."
The woman became more insistent and said, "Doctor, look at my teeth.
They're getting bigger and more yellow!"
The doctor calmly replied, "Yes, I see. Your teeth appear a bit larger
and more yellow than your last visit, but I don't think you're turning
into a horse."
Getting more frustrated, the woman said, "Well, I think I'm getting a
mane! Look at all this hair on the back of my neck. It's grown 5 inches
in ONE WEEK!"
Becoming more concerned, the doctor said, "You're NOT turning into a
horse. We'll just shave your neck occasionally. "
At this point the woman became considerably frustrated, speaking faster
and louder. "Just look at my finger and toe nails! They've become very
thick and big. I'm developing HOOVES!"
The doctor in amazement cried, "Holy cow! I've never seen finger and toe
nails THAT big!"
Then the woman pulls up the back of her skirt and said, "And look at
this, doctor. My backbone is protruding significantly from my butt!"
The doctor looked in amazement, then started scribbling on a small piece
of paper. The woman asked, "Are you writing me a prescription? "
The doctor said, "No. I'm writing a memo to my brother-in-law. He works
at City Hall. Take this to him and he'll give you a permit to take shit
in the street!"
She's A Keeper If You Hear A Woman Say . . .
I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame
you for ignoring me.
I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room,
I still want you right now!
This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gang bang.
Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wetspot.
Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse.
That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to
watch pornos again?
I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby- sitter Tracy.
You're my daddy! You're my daddy!
The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her
over for dinner on Friday.
Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl?
While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on
fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a
field goal they'll still cover.
Bar food again!? Kick ass.
liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girl-
friend has class.
That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool,
I'm gonna go over and talk to her.
I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.
I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a
wonderful Valentine's day gift!
Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have
to mess with it anymore.
I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?
It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.
Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila shot off of
Chuck's bare ass!
My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for
you and your friends.
I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it
Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You
passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!
You are so much smarter than my father.
If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let
me watch Sportscenter.
Little Johnny and Suzie play on the swing set every
day after school. One day, little Johnny goes home
after school and asks his father, "What's this thing
between my legs, daddy?"
His father replies, "That's your truck, son. You want
to park that in a girl's garage"
The very same day, Suzie goes home and asks her
mother, "Mommy, what's this between my legs?"
Her mother smiles and replies, "That is your garage,
honey. You NEVER want to let a boy park his truck
Both of the kids go to school the next day, and like
always, they play on the swing set afterwards. Suzie
goes home after a while, and her mother is shocked
to see blood all over Suzie's face and clothes.
"Suzie, What happened??" She cried.
"Oh nothing, mom. Little Johnny tried to park his
truck in my garage, so I bit off his back two tires!!"
A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I
almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in". You're
not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and
put $50 in the poor box."
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to
the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw
that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according
to you, that's the same as putting it in."
Don'tVote for the facts on people and issues.
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