White Trash Wed/ With a nekked lady.(no not me)
I love the beginning of the fall season. Not because of Halloween. I love the changing of the colors and the upcoming holidays. I shall be posting lots of holiday graphics, to share with every one. Make a note most will be laced with a websites. so when ya snag em ya might want to remove the site from the pic.
A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a
problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've
got to promise not to laugh."
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a
professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed
at a patient."
"Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his
trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has
ever seen. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell
laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able
to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over
me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise
it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the
MEXICAN FIRST AID...
Luis and Francisco were having the burrito special at their favorite
cantina, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned to see
this viejita (old lady) a few stools down turning blue from wolfing down some menudo too fast.
Francisco said to Luis, "What do you say Ese shall we help her?"
"Well Yea" said Luis.
Francisco got up and walked over to the viejita and asked, "Can you
briffe" (breathe) she shook her head que no. "Can you speak?"
she shook her head que no again...
With that he helped her to her feet. Lifted up her skirt, pulled down
her drawers and licked her butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up
the piece of menudo and began to breathe with great relief.
Francisco turned to his friend Luis and said, "You see ese, you
see...that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time."
Did you hear about the guy in Paris who almost got away
With stealing several paintings from the Louvre?
After planning the crime, getting in and out past security,
He was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline ran
Out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then
Make such an obvious error, he replied: "Monsieur, I had
No Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
Q: What's the difference between the government and the
A: One of them is organized.
Q: What's stranger than seeing a catfish?
A: Seeing a goldfish bowl.
A man goes to the confessional and says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The Priest asks.
"Well," the man starts, "I used the 'F'-word today and I feel so terrible."
"Why don't you tell me what happened. What made you use such awful language?" asked the Priest.
"Well, I was out golfing and I hit this incredible
drive that looked like it was going to go over 250
yards, but the ball hit a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going about 100 yards."
"I'm a golfer myself my son" said the Priest "I
understand what you were feeling. So this is when you swore?"
"No Father," said the man,
"You see, after that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"And this is when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"No not yet. Just as the squirrel was running away, this eagle came down out of the sky and grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"And it was then that you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet," replied the man, "Just as the eagle
was flying away with the squirrel he flew towards a
wooded area next to the green. And as he passed over it, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear then, my son?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree,
bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and then rolled through a sand trap and on to the green and stopped dead six inches from the hole!" told the man.
The priest sighed, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't You!!
When would you have a Lily with dinner?
Asparagus is a member of the Lily family. The name "asparagus" comes from the Greek language and means "sprout" or "shoot."
How much do boxing gloves weigh?
The gloves of a boxing professional in the fly- to welter-weight categories weigh 6 ounces; light-middleweight and above, 8 ounces.
Is there a variation in the toxicity of honybee venom?
The venom of the Africanized honey bee is no more toxic than that of the common honey bee's.
How far can you stretch LSD?
One ounce of LSD is enough to provide 300,000 average doses, each of which is a tiny speck whose effect lasts from 8 to 12 hours.
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything all day.
Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask
Him "excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?" The other
Fisherman replies," If you just go down the stream until the water
Isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish." They thank him and go
On their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to the other "fill
The bucket up with water and see if the water is salty." He dips the
Bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty." 30 minutes
Later, he asks him to check again. "Nope, still salty." One our later
They check again. "Nope. Still salty." "This isn't good," the
Fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours
And the water is still salty!" "I know," says the other. "And the
Bucket is almost empty!"
The Dangers of Drink....
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards
and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they
might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to
myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come
true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra and panties.
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a
can! ~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory
to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate
as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we
know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not
Two newlyweds arrive at the honeymoon suite on their wedding
night. The groom says,
"Honey, I've got a confession to make...I'm addicted to golf! I
have to be out on the course morning, noon, and night. I don't
know how you want to deal with it, but I'm going to be out there"
"That's OK!" said his blushing bride, "I've got a confession to
make too... I'm a hooker!"
"No big deal!" replied the groom, "Just loosen your grip, and
open the club face."
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of
Women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you
check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a
door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. The dispenser
for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy,
but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there were one,
but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly drape it around your neck,
Would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down
Your pants, and assume "The Stance."
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd
love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or
lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover
to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your
mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would
have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more. You remember
the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still
in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way
possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The
Door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your
Chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the
Toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your
Precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your
Footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is
Wet of course.
You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has
made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat
because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if
you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because,
you're certain, her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because,
frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
Confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose
That somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto
The toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At that
Point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet
Toilet seat. You're exhausted.
You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then
Slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to
Operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands
With spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women, still
Waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them.
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper
Trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You
Yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and tell her
Warmly, "Here, you just might need this."
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and
Left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and
Why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restroom
(rest??? You've got to be kidding!!).
It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also
Answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the
Restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto
Your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door.
The Internal Revenue Service decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to
the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with
his attorney. The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant
lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you
win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Ralph
removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily; he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other
side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could
come in here and pee all over an IRS official's desk and that you'd be
Last month, scientists released the results of a recent analysis that
revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a
concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains
female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough
beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 bottles of
beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.