Treats and hidden links for Today
Driving Down Memory Lane
HARDLY A DRIVER IS NOW ALIVE WHO PASSED ON HILLS AT 75 Burma Shave
Those Grand Old Burma Shave Road Signs
TRAINS DON'T WANDER ALL OVER THE MAP 'CAUSE NOBODY SITS IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP Burma Shave
Remember these? For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930s and '40s. Before there were Interstates when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet..... .and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.
Here are more of the actual signs:
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD TO GAIN A MINUTE YOU NEED YOUR HEAD YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT Burma Shave
DROVE TOO LONG DRIVER SNOOZING WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IS NOT AMUSING Burma Shave
BROTHER SPEEDER LET'S REHEARSE ALL TOGETHER GOOD MORNING, NURSE Burma Shave
CAUTIOUS RIDER TO HER RECKLESS DEAR LET'S HAVE LESS BULL AND MORE STEER Burma Shave
SPEED WAS HIGH WEATHER WAS NOT TIRES WERE THIN X MARKS THE SPOT Burma Shave
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE OF PAUL FOR BEER LED TO A WARMER HEMISPHERE Burma Shave
AROUND THE CURVE LICKETY-SPLIT BEAUTIFUL CAR WASN'T IT? Burma Shave
NO MATTER THE PRICE NO MATTER HOW NEW THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE IN THE CAR IS YOU Burma Shave
A GUY WHO DRIVES A CAR WIDE OPEN IS NOT THINKIN' HE'S JUST HOPIN' Burma Shave
AT INTERSECTIONS LOOK EACH WAY A HARP SOUNDS NICE BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY Burma Shave
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL EYES ON THE ROAD THAT'S THE SKILLFUL DRIVER'S CODE Burma Shave
THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING DEPENDS ON YOU TO DO HIS THINKING Burma Shave
CAR IN DITCH DRIVER IN TREE THE MOON WAS FULL AND SO WAS HE. Burma Shave
And my all time favorite: PASSING SCHOOL ZONE TAKE IT SLOW LET OUR LITTLE SHAVERS GROW Burma Shave
Don't stick your elbow Out so far It may go home In another car. BURMA SHAVE
You might be a Redneck if:
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch
Has more teeth than your spouse.
~~< * >~~
At bedtime, the amorous husband prepared two aspirins and a glass of water for his wife. "What is this for?" "For you headache, dear." "But I don't have a headache." "Good
In the window of a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin."
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: "Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life."
Detour sign in Kyushi: "Japan Stop Drive Sideways."
In a Swiss mountain inn: "Special today - no ice cream."
In a Bangkok temple: "It is forbidden to enter a woman even foreigner if dressed as a man."
In a Tokyo bar: "Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to USSR, you are welcome to it."
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."
At a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
In the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."
An extremely shy and very modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his digestive system upset.
Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided that the latest was another false alarm, so he stayed put in his bed. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Loosing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What was that all about?" Still staring down at his feet, the drunk
Replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost"
A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a "BUMP....BUMP. ...BUMP.. ." behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...."BUMP. ..BUMP... BUMP..."
The man began to run toward his home, and the coffin bounced after him faster....faster. ..BUMP BUMP BUMP.
He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, and locked it behind him. The coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP...BUMP. ..BUMP... On the heals of the terrified man. The man rushed upstairs to the bathroom and locked himself in, heart pounding.
With a CRASH, the coffin broke down the door, coming slowly toward him. The man while screaming, reached for something, anything.... all he can find was a box of cough drops which he hurled at the coffin...and suddenly "the coffin stops."
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"
OREO Triple Layer Chocolate Pie
Prep Time: 25 min
Total Time: 4 hr 25 min
Makes: 10 servings
32 OREO Chocolate Sandwich Cookies, divided (about 3/4 of 1 lb. 2 oz. Bag)
1/4 cup (1/2 stick) butter or margarine, melted
2 cups cold milk
2 pkg. (4-serving size each) JELL-O Chocolate Flavor Instant Pudding & Pie Filling
1 tub (8 oz.) COOL WHIP Whipped Topping, thawed, divided
FINELY crush 24 of the cookies; mix with butter. Press firmly onto bottom and up side of 9-inch pie plate.
POUR milk into large bowl. Add pudding mixes. Beat with wire whisk 2 minutes or until well blended. (Mixture will be thick.)
SPOON 1-1/2 cups of the pudding into crust. Gently stir 1/2 of the whipped topping into remaining pudding; spread over pudding layer in crust. Chop remaining 8 cookies; stir into remaining whipped topping. Spread over pie.
REFRIGERATE 4 hours or until set.
Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
He was buttering up his teacher.
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
Have you seen Quasimodo?
I have a hunch he's back!
How can you tell that a vampire likes baseball?
He turns into a bat every night.
How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.
How do you fix a jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch.
How does a girl vampire flirt?
She bats her eyes.
What did mama cannibal said to baby cannibal when he told her that he really liked his grandfather?
"Would you like another piece?"
What did the cannibal do when he saw an "All you can eat" restaurant?
He had two waiters and a busboy.
What did the French fries dress up as for Halloween?
What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
"Don't spook until you're spooken to."
What did the skeleton say to the bartender?
I'd like a beer and a mop!
What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley?
I'm bone to be wild.
What do baby ghosts wear on their feet?
What do ghosts and goblins drink on Halloween?
What do ghosts put on top of an ice cream sundae?
What do ghosts serve for dessert?
What do little ghosts drink?
Let's all join Humuhumu as she takes us on a 10-cent virtual tour of the Jungle Room at Elvis Presley's Graceland, shall we?