Giggles and laughes

Next Witness...My Grandmother!
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains
to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper
pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.
Jones. do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet
voice, said, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in
jail for contempt."


Oh man. I've been transferred to New Jersey," the other guy answered.
"There's crazy people in New Jersey. They have shootings, gangs, race
riots, drugs, the highest crime rate."
"Hold on," Jack interrupted. "I've lived in New Jersey all my life. It is
not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own
business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere
in the world."
The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said,
"Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and
say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Coca-Cola truck in Camden."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat will stop my fellow mail carriers and
me from delivering junk mail. One day, I delivered an envelope full of
coupons to a home. It was addressed to "The Smart Shopper at 729 Main
Street."
The next day the envelope was returned with this note scrawled
on
it: "Not at this address."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small
boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and
take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is
the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man.
"Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the
spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just
reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you
$30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By
the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said.


Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near
the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the
appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It
is much more difficult to fly there.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Two elderly gentlemen spend their afternoons sitting on a bench in front
of a barber shop arguing about current affairs, debating political
issues and discussing life in general. Among their favorite arguments
concerns which of the local brands of beer is the best. The one
gentleman has his favorite, while the other gentleman favors a different
brand.

After several years of listening to this argument, the barber in front
of whose shop the two gentlemen sit says, "There is a way you can
resolve this dispute once and for all. Why don't you send samples of
each brand of beer off to one of those new-fangled laboratories where
they can test them and determine which is actually the better quality of
the two."

The gentlemen find this suggestion appealing, and so they walk across
the street to their favorite saloon and ask the bartender to scrounge up
two jars, fill them with the respective brands of beer, and package them
up for delivery to the laboratory.

After a few months, an envelope arrives at the local post office. Eager
to read the test results, the two gentlemen scurry over to their
favorite bench in front of the barber shop and open the envelope. Inside
is a letter which reads, "Gentlemen -- Thank you for submitting the two
specimens. We are happy to report that both performed very well under
testing. In fact, it is our conclusion that both horses are in the best
of health."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man comes home from work and is greeted by his wife
dressed in a sexy little nightie. "Tie me up,"
she purrs, "and you can do anything you want."
So he ties her up and goes out for a round of golf.
*********
A golfer asked his friend, "Why are you so late?"
The friend replied, "It's Sunday. I had to toss a coin
between going to church or playing golf and it took
25 tosses to get it right!"



A young man and a priest are playing together.
At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going
to use on this hole, my son?"
The young man says, "An 8--iron, father. How about
you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and
pray."
The young man hits his 8--iron and puts his ball on the green. The
priest tops his 7--iron and dribbles the ball a few yards.
The young man says,"I don't know about you father,
but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."

*********
An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted
Scottish golfer. After a bad tee shot, he played a "Mulligan" which was
an extremely good one.
He then asked the Scot, "What do you call a Mulligan in Scotland?" "We
call it hitting 3"
*********
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody
5-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes", says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes,
yes, I did."
The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands
on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know...five, six, maybe seven times....just put me down for a
five."
*********
When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone
who would listen.
Unbe-known to them, her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents'
private conversations.
One day, when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping, a woman asked the
little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it,
too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's
another boy....
we're going to call it 'quits' !!"



At a golf course, four men approached the
sixteenth tee. The straight fairway ran along a
road and bike path fenced off on the left.
The first golfer teed off and hooked the ball in
that direction. But the ball went over the fence
and bounced off the bike path onto the road,
where it hit the tire of
a moving bus and was knocked back on to the fairway.
As they all stood in silent amazement, one man
finally asked him, "How on earth did you do that?"
He shrugged his shoulders and said, "You have to know the bus schedule."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A filthy rich man in Florida decides to throw a party and invites all
of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in
the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp,
oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women.
At the height of the party, the host said,
"I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million
dollars to anyone who has the gull to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing
that gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and
choke holds; biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through
the air like some kind of judo instructor.!
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the
gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally.... Leroy strangled the
gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring
at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says,
"Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want your money," says Leroy.
The rich man said,
"Man, I have to give you something. I mean, you won the bet fair and
square! How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answers Leroy again.
The host said,
"Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about
a new Porsche and a Rolex and some maybe stock options?"
Again..... Leroy says an emphatic...' no'.
Confused, the rich man asks,
"Well, Leroy, then what do you want? What can I give you?"
Leroy says,
"I just want the name of that $%#&%! person who pushed me into the
pool."


A man walked into the tax collector's office and sat down and smiled at
everyone. "May I help you?" said the clerk in charge.
"No," said the man. "I just wanted to meet the people I have been
working for all these years."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man entered a busy florist shop that displayed a large sign that read
"Say It With Flowers."
"Wrap up one rose," he told the florist.
"Only one?" the florist asked.
"Just one," the customer replied. "I'm a man of few words."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The company my brother worked for had a phone system that rerouted
after-hours calls. If any calls came in on a certain line while he was
working late, Dave knew it would be a wrong number. It got to the point
where as soon as the phone rang, Dave would pick up and say, "Psychic
Hotline. I'm sorry, but you've dialed the wrong number."

The caller would often reply with something like, "But I didn't even ask
to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I dialed the wrong.... Oh!"
(Click.)
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Andy came to work one day, limping something
awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed
and asked Andy what happened.
Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old
hockey injury that acts up once in a while."
Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."
Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost
$1,000 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my
foot through the television.. ."