Sunday Funnies and links
THREE THINGS TO THINK ABOUT:
2. THE CONSTITUTION
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
COWS - Is it just me, or does anyone else find it
amazing that our government can track a cow born
in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall
where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And,
they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are
unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering
around our country. Maybe we should give them all a
THE CONSTITUTION - They keep talking about
drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just
give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart
guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not
using it anymore.
TEN COMMANDMENTS - The real reason that we
can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse.. ....
You cannot post, "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt
Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie," in a
building full of lawyers, judges and politicians --
it creates a hostile work environment.
There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face!"
The rules of bedroom golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
5. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.
6. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.
7. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
8. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.
9. Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
10. Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.
11. The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.
12. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside.
13. Slow play is encouraged however players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners' request.
14. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my God, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the
situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. Then I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?"
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
Three young women are at a cocktail party. Their talk turns to their Position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other. The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two Weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and Looks about with considerable pride. . The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have Much money and we don't have any material possessions. But 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my Boyfriend , ALFRED'S erect penis." After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not Really going to the French Riviera. We're going to my parent's house for Two weeks." . The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my Husband didn't buy me a Mercedes. He bought me a Taurus." . "Well," the third woman says, "I also have a confession to make. Canary umber 13 has to stand on one leg.
Two Blonde hair men were working at a sawmill
when one guy got too close to the saw and cut his ear off.
It fell in the sawdust pit so he jumped down into the pit
and began hunting around trying to find it. The second guy saw him and hollered down, "What're you doing?" The first man explained that he had cut off his ear and was looking for it. The second guy said, "I'll help you" and jumped in the pit. He was searching around on his hands and knees
and then hollered, "I found it!" The first guy took it and examined it closely, then said, "Keep looking. Mine had a pencil behind it."
~~< * >~~
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication you prescribed has
to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?""Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
A really swooshy gay walks into a rowdy roughneck bar.
Right away the construction guys start catcalling.
He paid them no never mind, he just kept swooshing on
in and batting his eyes at all the men at the bar.
This big 300-pound starts calling, "Hey Queen".
At this, he became enraged... he got up and ran
to the end of the bar and knocked the 300-pound out cold.
Then in a very masculine voice, "Tell him when he
wakes my Mother is alive". After which his falsetto and effeminate voice could be heard to say , " I am a princess "!
The Captain rounded all his men to check on their intellectual
faculties. Taking a small handkerchief from his pocket he says. "Smith,
when I wave my handkerchief what
does it make you think about??" "Oh!! Sir it makes me think of the train
station. Well Smith ... why does it make you think of the train station.
Because Sir ... on Sundays in the afternoon we often would go down to
the train station, and when the train left the station people would wave
their handkerchiefs like you do Sir.
Very good Smith. Let's see you, Thomas, when I wave my handkerchief what
does it make you think about??
Oh well Sir... It makes me think about the port. Why does it make you think about the port??.
Sir, because when I go to the port the passengers on the outgoing ships wave at their relatives and friends that way.
That's very good Thomas, let's see you Gibson, when I wave my
handkerchief what does it make you think about??.
Sir. It makes me think about fucking! Oh, I see, well why does it make you think about fucking??
Because Sir, the only thing I think about is fucking.
Little Johnny wanted a new bicycle and his father told
him as soon as he could learn to go to the toilet by
himself he would buy him one.
Johnny just couldn't remember to take it out first, so
his dad said son, there are seven steps to learn how
to pee properly.
1. you unzip your pants.
2. you take it out
3. you pull the skin back
4. you aim it and pee
5. you shake it and push the skin back
6. you put it back in your pants
7. then you zip up and your done
at the end of the week, Johnny's dad asked how he was
doing, Johnny said he thought he was getting the hang
of it, and later that afternoon his dad saw him go to
the outhouse so he sneaked along side to check on
Johnny's progress, but all he heard was
three - five-three-five- three-five
~~< * >~~
On their honeymoon the new husband told his bride,
"I have a confession that I should have made before,
but I was concerned that it might affect our rela-
tionship." "What is it?" she asked.
"I'm a golfer," he said.
"What's the big deal about that?" she asked.
He replied, "When I say I'm a golfer, I mean that
I'll be on the course Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday
afternoon, and any holidays. If it comes to a
choice between your wishes and golf - golf wins."
She pondered a moment and said, "I thank you for
your honesty. In the same spirit of honesty, I
should tell you that I've concealed something
about my own past that you should know about. I'm
"No problem," was his response, "just widen your
stance a little and overlap your grip and that
should sort it out."
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar
And asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too!
Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from
Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What
School did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable! " the first man says. "I went
To Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley
Twins are drunk again."
A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"
The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bay water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it on to the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were seven more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The Blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out "SHIT!!!.. THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"
CAFFEINE IS MY SHEPHERD; WITH IT BESIDE ME, I SHALL NOT DOZE.
IT MAKETH ME TO WAKE IN GREEN PASTURES;
IT LEADETH ME BEYOND THE SLEEPING MASSES,
IT RESTORETH MY BUZZ;
IT LEADETH ME IN THE PATHS OF CONSCIOUSNESS FOR ITS NAME'S SAKE.
YEA, THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF ADDICTION,
I WILL FEAR NO EQUAL (tm):
FOR THOU ART WITH ME; THY CREAM AND THY SUGAR THEY COMFORT ME.
THOUGH PREPAREST A CARAFE BEFORE ME.
THOU ANNOINTED MY DAY WITH PEP; MY MUG RUNNETH OVER.
SURELY RICHNESS AND TASTE SHALL FOLLW ME ALL THE DAYS OF MY
LIFE; AND I WILL DWELL IN THE HOUSE OF _MOCHA'S FOREVER.
There's a rumor circulating around Washington D.C.
that the G.O.P. is planing to change the Republican
party emblem from an Elephant to a Gypsy Moth cuz
of all their party members coming out of the closet
A Woman's Poem
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mama used to do.