This That And Frog Hair2: Click N Comment Today. Be Nice

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Click N Comment Today. Be Nice

A woman who works for the state of Louisiana got a call from a man whopaused when she told him the name of her agency. He then asked her torepeat it. "It's the Governor's Office for Elderly Affairs," she toldhim again.There was another pause. "For gosh sakes, sign me up," he said. "Ididn't do too well when I was young."
Five men were stranded on an island in the middle of
the ocean. They'd been there for months, living on
coconuts and bananas when they were finally approached
by a female gorilla. One man said, "Grab her! I'm
gonna f*ck her!"
The other four did, indeed, grab her, tie her two arms
and two legs to stakes, and shove a half of a coconut
shell over her face so that she couldn't bite. After a
few minutes of furious f*cking, the gorilla pulled her
hands loose and wrapped them around the man. Next she
pulled her two feet loose and wrapped them around the
man as well. The man began shouting, "GET IT OFF! GET
The other four men told him they couldn't help; HE was
the one on top.
~~< *

In 2050 A.D. Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in
Purgatory being sized up by God...
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to
send you to Heaven or Hell. Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously
helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world
and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something
I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where
you want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it! will
help you make a decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."
Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear
waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing
in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the
temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see
"Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the
clouds! ,with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was
nice but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think
I prefer Hell" he told God.
"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see
how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill
shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He
was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded -- his voice full of! anguish and disappointment, "This
is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened.
What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful
women playing in the water?"
God smiled and said, "That was the screen saver."

~~< * >~~
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to
marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond
comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect
Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three
stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his
breath away. So he explained his mission to the
farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get
married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over
and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the
farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not
that you can hardly notice, but still...pigeon- toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of
the other girls;. So the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not
that you can hardly tell, but nevertheless. ..cross-eyed. "
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl
to see if things might be better. So he did
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's
perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away. Months later a baby was
born. When the man visited the nursery he was
horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic
human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law
asking how such a thing could happen considering the
beauty of the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee
bit, not that you could hardly tell, but nonetheless. ..pregnant when you
met her."

A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was
struggling with the language and didn't understand a whole lot of what
was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got
lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place. Having
arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row. So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on
the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too. When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down.During the preaching, the recruit didn't understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew. Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so
the recruit clapped too. Then the preacher said some words that he still didn't understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English:
"I take it you don't speak Spanish." The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious, huh?"
"Well yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up."
~~< * >~~

1. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the
room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
2. A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. at last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
3. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"! I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
4. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
5. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
6. A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife,"
7. Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused
the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!"

8. When my grandson, Tyler, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights. "
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma! ," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting, " she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You
just change"y" to "i" and add 'es'."

At her father's wake, a woman told her priest that ever since she was a
child she and her father had discussed life after death. They had agreed
that whomever went first would contact the other. They had discussed
this again just two weeks before his death. He died in her home and a
few days after his death the smoke alarm in her garage went off. She had
lived there 28 years and it had never gone off before. she couldn't turn
it off so she called the security company that installed it. The next
morning the smoke alarm sounded again...and the reason finally dawned on
her...she said aloud "Ok dad, I missed the signal yesterday, but I get
it now! Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side.
Now turn the thing off so I don't have to call the security company
again. ".And it went off. She immediately called her priest to tell him
the good news. His
response: "Dear lady, if every time your father sends you a message, he
sets off the smoke alarm, just where do you think he's calling from?"
~~< * >~~
In the days of old, when Genghis Kahn's men were running over Asia, they
set their sights on further shores. Rather than 'huns', these warriors
were known as Kahn's men, or simply, Kahns. When they had conquered all the way to the water's edge, they build boats, gathered their loot, and bravely went to sea. By a sad twist of fate, they encountered an island of lepers, which resulted in most of the crew being infected. Hastily leaving that island, they set sail
again, but by the time they reached Ireland, there wasn't much left of
them. Disembarking on stubby limbs, they set forth, but were soon set upon by
the natives for the riches they carried. Rotted away, but still clever,
they hid on the island and awaited rescue, and the locals never did get
their hands on the treasure. And that's how the story of the little
people got started in Ireland - the leper Kahn's and their pots of gold.
Cunning though diseased, the Kahns were never fooled by those who tried
to trick them out of their pots of gold by swapping them for an empty
pot - thus the saying: "You cannot change a leper's pots".

Weird Fact of the Day:
The steepest street in the world is Baldwin Street located in Dunedin, New Zealand. It has an incline of 38%.
~~< * >~~

Bubba's wife passed away and Bubba called 911.
The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send
Someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
"There was a long pause and finally Bubba said,
"How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street
And you pick her up there?"

~~< * >~~
Did you ever wonder:

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of darkness?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature I s zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

Do you cry under water?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? <>
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream ??

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons ?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
Idiot's Guide To Sex

1. Eating Mexican food is not the cause of gonorrhea.
2. There is no need for dice in role playing.
3. Intercourse doesn't happen on a highway.
4. If you engage in oral sex first, it's not called a head start.
5. If she says she's into "bondage," don't show her your financial portfolio.
6. You can lie down during a one-night stand.
7. When a woman talks about waiting for the "right time," she's not referring to a commercial break.
8. Only sleep with someone you love or can say you love without smirking.
9. Making out doesn't mean getting your money's worth.
10. Sex is like "The Club" - Accept no substitutes.

Q - When you apply for Welfare in Mexico what does the Government give you?

A - A map showing the shallow Rio Grande crossings into the United States

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