Dennis Miller's Advice to Men About What Women Want
1 - Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.
2 - If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer
her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.
3 - Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power
they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent, affordable
childcare. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get
off welfare and we won't have to listen to any more idiots in Congress
blathering about orphanages.
4 - Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at
... say Carl, the brain-dead jack-off in the cubicle next to you. You
could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, toady
idiot. Now, imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo ...
5 - This is very important: during lovemaking, don't ask, "Who's your
daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.
6 - When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out.
Words are kind of important.
7 - Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars
to have women their own age in their videos.
8 - Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you
should *know* if she came.
9 - Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for
10 - When she catches you cheating on her and she cuts off your dick in
your sleep, take it like a man.
Amy's computer Guide
This page is completely fucked. In fact, your computer is probably
The page you are looking for is seriously fucked up and is currently
unavailable. The Web site might be experiencing technical difficulties,
or you may have to re-install your operating system. In which case, too
Please try the following:
a.. Click the Refresh button, or fill your CD-ROM drawer tray with
jam. This really works.
b.. If you typed the page address in the Address bar, please go away
and learn to spell correctly before returning.
c.. To check your connection status, unplug your PC and insert a
screwdriver into the mains socket. Connection status will immediately
d.. If you like, Microsoft Windows can examine your PC and send
details of all the pornography you have downloaded to its headquarters
e.. If you would like Windows to ruin your life,
f.. click Yes! Send me to jail!
g.. Some sites you visit require Microsoft's authorization. Click
the Windows menu and then click Let me view boobies! to uninstall this
h.. If you are trying to reach a secure site, make sure you are not
running Windows. Click the My Computer menu, and then right click Drive
C:. On the Menu select This sucks: Please replace current operating
system with Linux. And don't ask me again.
i.. Click the Back to try and end this nightmare.
On their 50th wedding anniversary an old couple decide to spice up their
sex life with a Kama Sutra handbook they picked up at a local bookstore.
They looked astonishingly at the various positions contained therein.
One in particular showed a couple seated opposite one another, naked and
with their legs spread apart.
The man was to try to roll marbles between the woman's legs and she was
to try to throw plastic hoop-la-hoops around his penis.
The old woman and man smiled at one another "This is it!" they giggled.
The old man said "Ok.. I'll go get the bowling ball."
The old woman said "Ok.. I'll take off my wedding ring."
Bernie had a fight with Rachel, his wife, and went to the movies to cool
off. Later that evening, he decided to phone home to see what the
situation was and maybe even apologize.
"Hello, darling," he said, "what are you making for dinner?"
"What am I making for dinner? After all the horrible things you said to
me earlier, you want to know what I am making for dinner?? Poison,
that's what I'm making, poison."
Bernie replies, "Okay then, just make one portion, I'm
not coming home."
Rules for parking if you are rude
Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the
road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others
Rule #2 - Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible.
Diagonal parking is preferred.
Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and
have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half
way and stop on the line, taking both.
Rule #4 - As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of
you is empty and you see another driver signalling to take it, pull
though and take it from him.
Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other
driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her car.
Rule #6 - When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with
your door really hard.
Rule #7 - When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes
and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.
Rule #8 - When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a
friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in
the middle of the road. The same rules applies to picking-up and
Rule #9 - When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signalling and
waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his
way and let the car behind you take it.
Rule #10 - If you have Handicap license plates, use up a regular parking
Rule #11 - If you hit the adjacent car with your door and
leave a dent,wait for a car, which is painted the same colour as yours,
to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out,
giving up your spot like "Mr. Good Guy" and park somewhere else.
Rule #12 - If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian
cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic
and attempt to pass him.
Rule #13 - deleted...for those who are superstitious!
Rule #14 - When exiting a shopping centre into a busy road, exit through
the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into
traffic, and wait.
Rule #15 - When driving through a parking lot with
alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots, drive
the wrong way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do
a 12-point turn to pull into it.
Rule #16 - Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between
Rule #17 - Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping
centre parking lots. While your at it, dump out all the garbage, too,
including that Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting in the back seat from
Rule #18 - If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in
a parking lot,leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.
Rule #19 - When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull
out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time.
Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window,
light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your
shopping bags and look at what you just bought.
Rule #20 - When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart
in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into an
adjacent car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close,
push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is
flying solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.
Rule #21 - When walking back to your car in a busy shopping centre,
gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you
are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the
next aisle and do it again.
Rule #22 - When shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your
bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the
driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and
signalling for your spot.
Rule #23 - When walking back to your car, if you notice
other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons
on your key chain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud
"BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the crap out of them.
Rule #24 - If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the malls
parking lot, there isn't any!
Rule #25 - If you back into a parked car, and the driver
isn't with it, take out a piece of paper & start writing.
This is especially effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On
a piece of paper write, "There were ___witnesses when I hit your car.
They think I'm writing my name, address, and phone number!