White Trash Wednesday
The train was en route from Bangor to Portland. One of Maine's typical
sons was stretched across two seats in the day-coach contemplating the
rugged scenery. At a small station another male boarded the coach. The
passenger had the eager, inquiring eye and the long prehensile nose of a
certain sub-species of the genus Yankee, of which he was a perfect
As he slumped down alongside the sprawling one, the newcomer spied in
the rack above their heads a stout, smallish wooden box, heavily corded,
with augur holes bored in the sides and ends of it. Speaking in a
gorgeous Down-East drawl the inquisitive party put his first question:
"Yep," said the other.
"Portland, huh? - live thar?"
"That your box up thar?"
"Looks kind of solid?"
"Looks kind of heavy, too?"
"Got holes in it, I see?"
"Whut's the holes fur?"
"Whut you need air fur?"
"So it can breathe."
"So whut kin breathe?"
"Oh!...Well, whut is inside?"
"Whut the heck is a mongoose?"
"Small East Indian animal."
"Would it bite you?"
"In a minute."
"Whut you want with a critter like that?"
The pestered traveler straightened up.
"Well," he said, "I'll tell you. A mongoose is an animal that lives off
reptiles - snakes, lizards, toads. I've got an uncle in Portland. Fine
man, respected citizen and all that, but he's got one weakness. Drinks.
When he drinks he's bothered by snakes and lizards. I'm taking the
mongoose down there to eat 'em."
"Yes, but gosh! Them varmints he sees is imaginary snakes!"
"Well, this is an imaginary mongoose."
...... by Irvin S. Cobb, 1925
A restaurant decided to serve submarine sandwiches, but later went
If a restaurant isn't sweet to its chefs, they might dessert.
If a waiter doesn't succeed he has to tray, tray, tray again.
When the waiter was asked if crabs were served in his restauraunt he
replied - oh yes ... we serve anybody!
A waiter who played tennis was great at serving.
An experienced waiter can give a lot of good tips.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was
Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished
I told the waiter, Spain good, but there is Norway I could eat another
A Maitre'D is more than just a door belle.
An accountant for a restaurant has to be sure the books are not cooked.
Some people use a restaurant to rest-and-rant.
Bakeries find out how the business is doing with a pie chart.
For children to eat without washing their hands would be a grime.
The situation in the kitchen is so terrible that it's going from batter
Some people don't like food going to waist.
Some people like to whine and dine.
A karate school restaurant served mainly chops.
The washrooms in a seafood restaurant were labelled Buoys and Gulls.
Cafeteria customers are in the line of fare.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed.
It was a fine spring day in his new Washington, DC parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the
beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a elephant lying dead in the middle of his
He promptly called the US Senate for assistance.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Senator. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at
St.Brigid's. There's a elephant lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be
so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Senator, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people
took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are
also obliged to notify the next of kin".
Nina: "Oh Jill. This new guy I'm dating is sooooo romantic. Every time
he speaks to me, he starts with, 'Fair Lady'."
Jill: "Romantic my foot! Don't you know he used to be a bus driver.
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a
long holiday weekend.
The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in
front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward
a vacant pump.
"Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last
minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my
Friends took their first-grader on a car trip to Canada.
To help pass the time, the boy practiced his new reading skills by
calling out road signs.
He fell asleep just before they entered Quebec.
When he awoke he saw the French highway signs and said in a worried
"I think I forgot how to read while I was asleep."
Jill, a blonde, went to a "Dude Ranch" on vacation.
The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English
saddle, and she asked what the difference was.
He told her one had a horn, and one didn't.
Jill replies, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll
run into too much traffic out here."
A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a last
minute business meeting.
He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know
that he would not be leaving with them.
He hastily scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk.
"I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave."
At 700 p.m., the man comes back to his desk and finds this note...
"Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, idiot!"
One day there was a guy who was driving down the road in his jeep on his
way home from work and his car broke down. He looked down the road and
saw a pink house and decided that he would see if he could stay there
for the night. He walked up to the house and rang the pink door bell and
a pink lady opened up the pink door. He asked her if he could spend the
night and she said ok. So she lead him down a pink hallway, up the pink
staircase, down another pink hallway and into a pink guest bedroom. She
said that he could stay there.
Then another guy was driving down the same road and his car broke down
infront of the same pink house. He went up to the house and rang the
bell. The lady said he could stay there and lead him down a pink hallway
into a pink living room, showed him a pink couch and said he could sleep
Then another guy came down the road and his car broke down. He asked the
lady if he could stay there for the night. She lead him down the pink
hallway up the pink stairs and down another pink hallway and into a pink
den and showed him a chair and said he could sleep there.
The next morning all the guys went down the kitchen. The lady asked them
what they wanted, she had pink cheerios, pink fruitloops and pink milk
w/pink bowls and pink spoons. The first guy said he wanted cheerios, the
second wanted fruitloops and the third wanted cheerios.
What's the moral of the story???
2 out of 3 people like cheerios better than fruitloops.
Moisha Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his native land of Germany. He
sold all his assets and converted it to gold and then had 5 sets of
solid gold false teeth made.
When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why
anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth.
So Moisha explained. "We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes
for meat products and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I
also have separate sets of teeth."
The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for
two sets of teeth. What about the other three?"
Moisha then said "Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate
dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one
for meat and one for dairy food.
The customs official slapped his head and then said, "You must be a very
religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and
likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about
the fifth set?"
"Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich."
Mrs. Jones called the doctor's office and was met with this response by
the secretary. "This is Dr. Whitman's office. What would you like to
Mrs. Jones was disturbed by this response and replied sarcastically, "I
want to order a hamburger with fries. For Christ's sake, why would I
call a doctor if I didn't feel sick? I'm very sick. I need to see the
"Fine," replied the secretary, "I can make an appointment for you. Let
me see, ahhhh yes, I have an appointment one week from next Friday."
"Great," said Mrs. Jones, "I'll have my mortician drop me off then!"