Sunday Funnies and Urls.
The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50 yards down a chimney, and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game of football ....... and sure enough the Saints go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"
"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!"
"No! Let me tell you," his mother retorts. "at this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for
making us move to New Orleans!"
Bubba and Billy Bob
Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street, and they see a sign on a store which reads,"Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair." Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Bob, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Now when we go in there you be quiet, okay? Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant,
and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know." They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each,100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ...."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll are from Alabama, ain't you?" "Well...yeah, " says a surprised Bubba...."How come you know that?! " "Cause this heres a dry-cleaners.
A young man, who was also an avid golfer,
found himself with a few hours to spare one
afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and
played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before
he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman
shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could
accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old
man to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly.
He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently
and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the
young man found himself with a tough shot.
There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball
and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot,
the old man finally said, "You know, when I was
your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the
youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right
smack into the top of the tree trunk and it
thudded back on the ground not a foot from
where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment,
"Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree
was only 3 feet tall."
"Have you noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?" ~ George Carlin
"Time's fun when you're having flies."
~ Kermit The Frog
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and just give her a house." ~ Rod Stewart
Q. How can a bowling alley be the quietest place?
A. Because you can hear a pin drop.
Q. What did the bartender ask Charles Dickens when he ordered a martini?
A. Olive or twist?
"If mini-marts are open 365 days a year, 24 hours a day, and 7 days a week, than why do the doors have locks on them?" ~ Gallagher
"If winning isn't everything, than why do they keep score?"
~ Vince Lombardi
"I recently had my Visa card stolen. Now it's everywhere I want to be." ~ Scott Wood
"Why do they call it 'rush hour' when nothing moves?"
~ Robin Williams
A man brags to a friend abpout his new hihg-tech hearing aid.
"It's the most expensive one I've ever had--it cost me $3,500!"
His friend asks, "What kind is it?" The braggart says, "Half past four."
Before setting off on a business trip to Tulsa, I called the hotel where I'd be staying to see if they had a gym. The hotel operator's sigh had a tinge of exasperation in it. "We have over 300 guests at this facility," she said. "Does this "Gym'
have a last name?"
The differences between wasting time at work before the Internet and wasting time at work now with the Internet..
* Then- Wandered aimlessly around office until you found something or someone even mildly interesting.
* Now- Wander aimlessly around WWW until you find some-
thing find something remotely interesting.
* Then- Laughed at stories about co-worker's teenager's silly exploits and imagined how great it would be to be a teen again.
* Now- Ogle co-worker's webcam and imagine what it would
be like to be with your first girlfriend again.
* Then- Blew stuff up in the microwave.
* Now- Watch people in Bulgaria blow stuff up in the microwave via
* Then- Spent hours shredding stupid jokes and cartoons that friends sent via fax.
* Now- Spend hours deleting stupid jokes and cartoons that friends send via e-mail.
* Then- Hid copies of magazine inside corporate document so boss thought
you were a diligent worker.
* Now- Keep fingers on Alt-Tab to switch to that Excel spread- sheet so
boss thinks you're a diligent workers.
* Then- Talked to co-workers around water cooler about latest Welcome
Back Kotter and White Shadow episodes.
* Now- Talk to friends via ICQ about how much you hate your job.
* Then- Figured out how many sheets of paper their stapler would go
* Now- Use a ping plotter to see how many hops it takes to get to
Listed below is a selected list of many of the lesser-known gods and
demi-gods of Greece that have apparently been ignored or forgotten by
historians for various and sundry reasons. Some of these gods were
obviously important and useful in everday life habits, others apparently
had no redeeming value whatsoever, but somehowachieved god-or
This list is presented here in the hopes that it will prove helpful to
someone somewhere, sometime.
Egregious - God of Errors.
Though he spent virtually all his life with the other gods and goddesses
on Mount Olympus, he is rumored to have left for a short vacation to the
south of France where he met and had an affair with the French goddess,
Faux Pas. Egregious was one of the smartest gods on Mount Olympus. In
fact, many thought he might be as smart as Zeus, though no one would
ever admit this publicly. However, his unfortunate habit of making so
many mistakes kept him from becoming one of the better-known gods. When
asked how someone so smart could make so many stupid mistakes, his reply
was always "You learn from your mistakes. Obviously, I've made so MANY
mistakes, I've become a genius!"
Melanoma - God of Tanning.
Often seen away from Mount Olympus and down along the sandy beaches of
southern Greece, Melanoma could have been ranked up there with the other
major gods of his time, He was strong, handsome, and had a body that
attracted all the goddesses. His only major fault was getting involved
with the mortal Macedonian strip queen, Ultra Violet. The two of them
constantly Played naked in the sun along the Greek shoreline. Zeus, upon
seeing Melanoma cavorting with a non-Olympian, decided to punish him by
taking away his immortality. This didn't seem to bother Melanoma at
first and he continued to associate with Ultra Violet and played in the
buff each day. Soon though, Melanoma started to notice small dark
patches on his skin that eventually became cancerous. He died a quick,
but horrible death, with Ultra Violet at his side till the very end.
Ozone - God of Memory.
Ozone was another failed god. Upon attaining godhood, Zeus asked Ozone
to choose the subject for which he would be revered for all time. He
chose Memory. To celebrate his attaining full godliness, Ozone married
his school sweetheart, Amnesia. However, their foggy relationship soon
resulted in the complete loss of all the records of all the great gods
on Mount Olympus. Zeus retaliated by immediately expelling Ozone to
Southern California, where he was held prisoner in the dreaded
"Inversion Layer" along with the evil nether-world dragon-god of
progress and technology, Smog.
Pancreas - Demi-god of Dessert.
Father of the sugar gods, Arabinose, Fructose, and Glucose. Pancreas was
a short-lived god who spent most of his time on coffee breaks eating
donuts. His marriage to Diabetes was no help to him at all and he died
soon after they had their three sons.
Zirconia - Goddess of Costume Jewelry.
Often in direct competition with the goddesses Titanium and Platinum,
Zirconia was pretty much always relegated to being allowed only to
attend the lesser parties on Mount Olympus at which the great gods and
goddesses were rarely present. As a result, Zirconia was subsequently
ignored by most historians and now only shows up on the backs of
magazines for really cheap prices.
Once upon a time there was a king named James who reigned over a small
country. He was a good and wise king, but he had one very bad habit:
King James just loved animals -- all kinds of animals -- and he kept
bringing them in the castle with him.
King James had deer and water buffalo and foxes - all sorts of game in
every room of the castle. The people of the kingdom finally got fed up
with King James and this over-crowded and stinky situation, and they
decided that King James must be dethroned and all of the game returned
to their natural habitat.
It was the first time in history that..... the 'reign was called on
account of the game.'
We all know that Columbus believed the world was round when others
believed it was flat and that if you traveled far enough you would go
over the edge. We also know that Columbus reached what we now know as America.
While there are still a few who believe Columbus returned to Spain and
told Queen Isabella that he discovered a new world, most believe he had
told her he had reached India. Recently documents written by Queen Isabella's official scribe were uncovered revealing what Columbus actually said on returning from his
first voyage. His first words were, "I'll bet I'm the first man who ever got nineteen
hundred miles on a galleon."
After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car
has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report.
Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any
evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the
car has been returned.
There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two
tickets to a music concert. The note reads,
"I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I
had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please
forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of
Garth Brooks, the country-and- western music star."
Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and
return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods
have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic. And,
there is a note on the door reading,
"Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through
college somehow, don't I?"
One day a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices
she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife,
"Where did you get that necklace?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready
while I start supper."
The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond
bracelet. Her husband asks,
"Where did you get the bracelet?"
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready
while I start supper."
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work
wearing a mink coat. He says,
"I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?"
She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready
while I start supper."
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices
there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her
"HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub!"
He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet!"