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Monday, November 13, 2006

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In Chicago there is a Veterinary Medicine Clinic that specializes
in cats. Surprisingly, it's called The Chicago Cat Clinic.
In their parking lot is a sign that reads,

"PARKING FOR CHICAGO CAT CLINIC ONLY VIOLATORS WILL BE DE-CLAWED
AND NEUTERED !"
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A girl says to her boyfriend, "I read a study that said 90 percent
of all men masturbate in the shower and the other 10 percent sing."
"Really?" said the boyfriend.
"Yes," said the girlfriend. "Do you know what song they sing?"
"No," replied the boyfriend.
"I didn't think so," she said.

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A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the
door of a house. The man who answers it says, "Well, you two are
awful cute. Who are you supposed to be?"
"We're Jack and Jill" the girl replied.
The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black! Jack and
Jill were white."
They go off and a while later they come back dressed differently.
They ring the doorbell and once again and the man opens the door.
"Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?"
"We're Hansel and Gretel" says the boy.
"Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and
Gretel because you're black! They were white," says the man.
Heads hung low, the kids leave. Not too much later the man hears
the bell ring again. This time when he opens the door there stand
the two children -- but this time they are BUCK NAKED. "Oh my!
And just who are you supposed to be now?!" he asks.
"Chocolate M & M's," said the little girl. "I'm plain. He's got
nuts."

------

Caller: "I'm having problems accessing my application. "
Tech support: "Did you load the latest patches?"
Caller: "What patches? I haven't received any notification. "
Tech support: "The e-mail was sent out at 11:15 Central time
this morning."
Caller: "Oh, that's the problem. I'm in California, so I won't
get them for another two hours."

------
While marking her pupils' social studies test papers, the
teacher was in a quandary about the answer given by one of the
third-graders.
Asked to name the four major directions, he wrote:
1. Listen carefully.
2. Write neatly.
3. Sit up straight.
4. Raise your hand.
She didn't know whether to mark it correct, since he HAD listened
to "directions" in class, or wrong, since he had NOT listened to
"directions" on a compass!

------
FREDERICTON, Canada -- Here's one way to curb your boyfriend's
internet porn habit. A Canadian woman arranged the theft of
her computer in a faked home invasion in an attempt to stop her
boyfriend from viewing porn. Erin Stairs, 19, was charged last
May with theft and public mischief after she arranged to have
the couple's house burglarized. The robbery reportedly got out
of hand when the culprits walked away with the $2,000 computer,
a television, 60 compact discs, jewelry and other property.

Judge Patricia Cumming told Stairs her actions were misguided.
"Taking the computer is not going to take away his ability to
frequent the sites," she said. "It doesn't remove the heart of
the problem."


Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his
wife has been unfaithful during his time away.
"Who was it?" he yells. "That alta kakker Goldstein?"
"No," replied his wife. "It wasn't Goldstein."
"Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?"
"No, not him."
"Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!"
"No, it wasn't Rabinovich either..."
Morris was now fuming. "What's the matter?" he cried. "None of my
friends are good enough for you?"

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One Greek living in America says to another, "Do you think you'll
ever go back to Greece?"
"No," he answered, "I'll stick with K-Y Jelly."

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"I worked some gigs in the Deep South--Alabama- -You talk about
Darwin?s waiting room. There are guys in Alabama who are their
own father."
---Dennis Miller

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"On this day in 1860 Abraham Lincoln was elected in a three way
race. President Bush today said that he admired Lincoln. Because of
inventing the penny. The Lincoln Town Car. And of course because
of Lincoln Logs." --Jay Leno

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"This week, a woman whose car was swept away in a flash flood
said she survived because of something she saw on a 'Fear Factor'
episode. Those reality shows really are lifesavers. It's only by
watching 'Extreme Makeover' that I realized I looked stupid with
bangs." --Dennis Miller

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The other day, I had to make a call to the telephone company.
Something was wrong with my bill. I dialed the number listed,
and was astonished. I got the strangest recording. It said,
"You have been connected to the correct department on the first
try. This is against company policy. Please hang up and redial."

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Kid Takes Mom's Car For a Spin

------------ --

NEW YORK - A 12-year-old New York boy took his mother's car and
drove himself and his 7-year-old half-brother around the city for
nearly eight hours. Kenneth Rodriguez, who reportedly took the
vehicle at about 3:30 p.m. because he was angry with his mother,
and Miguel Pepin were found inside the parked car by police around
11:30 p.m., the New York Post reported Thurs- day. Both children
were unharmed.Caroline Rivas, the boys' mother, said they took the
car while she was napping before work. She had previously gotten
into an argument with Kenneth about pestering girls at school. The
boys were found when Kenneth took the car to a friend's house and
someone at the house took the car keys and called police. Police
said they had not yet decided whether any legal action would be
taken against the boy.




Python Takes a Little Trip
ADELAIDE, Australia - A python that hitched a ride across hundreds
of miles of Australian highway on the underside of a truck is
getting a free plane ride back to Alice Springs. Ron de Graaf
was unable to dislodge the snake when he first spotted it looped
around air conditioning equipment while he was gassing up, the
Adelaide Advertiser reported. He drove the 20-hour, 900-mile trip to
Adelaide and waited for the python to loosen up. Three hours after
arriving, de Graaf finally got the snake, a Children's python,
and took it to the Environment and Heritage Department. Hannah
Dryden, a spokeswoman for Environment and Heritage, said it was
"admirable" for de Graaf to turn the python in. She said people
who find reptiles under their vehicles often try to keep them as
pets and finally surrender them -- after they are so thin they have
to be euthanized. Australia Air Express has offered to return the
snake to Alice Springs, where it will be returned to the Outback.


------
Man Kicked Out Of Bar Drives Truck Through Entrance

ORANGE COUNTY, Fla. -- Orange County deputies caught up with a
driver who rammed his pickup into the front doors of a bar early
Friday morning. Security guards said they tossed the man out earlier
in the evening and that's when he got into his truck and drove
right for them. The man, who deputies said intentionally rammed
his pick-up truck into the front door of a sports bar overnight,
was taken into custody shortly after the alleged incident. Deputies
found him hiding in a wooded area on Orange Blossom Trail near
Holden Avenue. Deputies said the suspect had been involved in
a fight at Chaparros Sports Bar. When security guards asked him
to leave, he got in his truck and allegedly drove right at them,
smashing through the entry way. The man came back about an hour and
a half later to pick up his girlfriend. She called the Orange County
Sheriff's Office to let them know he was on his way back. A search
heli- copter spotted him hiding near the Tuscany Village apartments.
The suspect was taken to the hospital and treated for numerous dog
bites. The man could be facing criminal mischief and aggravated
assault charges. His name was not released.



Buck Prances Through Target Store
DES MOINES, Iowa -- Store security cameras catch some pretty bold
crooks. The intruder caught on a surveillance camera at a Target
store in Des Moines was a deer. Alongside Christmas garland and
holiday lights, Target attracted a real-life Rudolph. Then it
found the store's automatic door. "He waited for it, ran in,
waited for the next door to open up, then came moseying into
the store," said Target store manager, Greg Willey. Customers
retreated while workers moved in. They gave a play by play of
the action over the store's loudspeaker system in an effort to
keep the customers safe. Then right in front of the Xboxes, the
deer slipped. "I leaned in, thinking, I don't know what I was
thinking. I was trying to help maybe, be guest-friendly and help
out," Johnson said. As the buck ran past the long line of cash
registers, customers continued checking out their items. After more
than 10 minutes, a dozen Target employees had the buck corralled
back in the dairy section, when somebody opened the fire door and
Johnson helped shoo him out. "I basically stood here and said, "OK,
please don't turn right," she said. The buck then scampered away.



What did the mother turkey say to
her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now,
he'd turn over in his gravy!
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What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey?
Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving! !
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How does a Turkey drink her wine?
In a gobble-let
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Did you hear about the X-rated turkey?
It's served with very little dressing.

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What kind of music did Pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!

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Why do turkeys eat so little?
Because they are always stuffed!

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What did the turkey do in the Thanksgiving Day Parade?
He played his drumsticks!
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A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy he's hired, then informs him, "The hours are from 8 A.M. to 4 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10 A.M." The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 A.M. to 4 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10 A.M.?"
"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls... no point in you coming in for that.

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A young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date and is given some word of advise and warning by her mother; "Look darling, they all want the same, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him;
1.) kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft
as rose petals and will shrivel,

2.) or touch your breast. They are like of
thin crystal and can shatter, and

3.) never ever to touch your "private" part.
That one is like a "GRILL" and will
burn everything coming to touch it."

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The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety, and Mom waits and waits until just after midnight when she's back.
"How was it?" asks mom.
"Oh mom, it was absolutely fantastic, and I think I'm in love!"
"Lets not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?"
"Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely careful not to hurt or harm me!"
"What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?"
"Not exactly mom, see it was like that. First he wanted to kiss me and I told him what you said, and he stopped."
"Then he went to touch my breast and again I told him what you said, and he stopped." "Then he slowly went under my skirt close to the private part, and I told him what you said. "And he then took his hands out and said; 'What a coincidence, I happen to have a nice piece of "Fillet" and would love to put it in your
"Grill" to cook!!'"
"WHAT?!?" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is no different to the others. You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?"
"Well, not really mom. You see, he promised to be careful and was very careful not to 'burn' his fillet. Every now and then he took it out and had me 'taste it' to see if it was cooked or not."
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I saw you across a crowded room.
Among all the others that were there,
The lights seemed to shine down on you alone.
I knew then I had to have you for my own.
Willingly, you came with me to my home.
From the car, I carried you & threw the door.
Looking at you, I admire your body,
your well shaped legs,and breasts.
Slowly I remove what wraps,
around your body so tightly,
fitting you like a glove.
Exposing your tender white skin.
From your neck I remove your charms,
and carry you off in my arms,
to the warm water that awaits.
The water cascades down your neck,
flowing over your soft breasts then,
making your legs glisten with wetness.
Droplets of water cover your taut skin.
My hands rub your body, ummmm
running them threw the beads of water.
Making them trickle down off your body.
I place my fingers inside you.
You are warm and moist,so ready.
I carry your still dripping body,
to a laying place,so that I can
put inside you what was well
prepared to enter you before
we even came through the door.
As soon as I lay you down
your legs spread open wide.
You are ready now and so am I.
I put a little in slowly at first,
getting a feel for how much you can take in.
I put in more, you take it willingly.
In anticipation, faster and faster
I put it in,,pushing it in deeply
as far as I can,,until I can't
put any more in,you are so tight.
With your legs wrapped tightly,
not wanting to release any of it,
I make you so hot for a very long time,
until your sweet juices escape from within.
Then I taste you, with my tongue at first,
your skin is so soft and tender.
I taste more of you with my mouth,
you are so hot and moist,you taste so good.
Your juices coating my mouth,
making me drool in anticipation
of eating you more,with every taste.
"Oh yes", I say to you,
"I must say Grace"
"Thank God for Butterball turkey.... Amen"
And what were you thinking? For shame!!


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