Thursday's Jokes n Stuff

REDNECK TIP OF THE WEEK:
Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest
pizza shop, place an order, and when they go to deliver it,
catch a ride home with them.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A lady went into a pet shop. "I'd like to buy two yellow canaries," she told the owner. "We don't have any canaries, but we have these," the owner said. He showed the lady some pale green parakeets."That's not what I'm looking for," the lady stated. But the pet store owner refused to give up."Just think of them as yellow canaries that aren't quite ripe yet," he said
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Weird Fact of the Day:
A snail can crawl across a razor blade without getting injured. This is possible because they excrete a slime that protects them.



Midlife is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows
down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly
acquired mustache.

Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans.
We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying
squirrels in drag.

Midlife has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror
and can see your rear end without turning around.

Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back.
It's more like splat!

Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a
tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell,
and those things will too"!

Midlife is when you realize that if you were a dog, you would
need a control top flea collar.

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are
now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and
you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear
topless in a film.

Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves and
that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at
your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and
think, "For this I have stretch marks?"

Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only
thing you still retain is water.

The good news about midlife is that the glass is still
half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be
long before your teeth are floating in it.

You know you've crossed the midlife threshold when you're in
the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to
Heaven" in the produce department.

It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in midlife. Jiggly,
yes; jiggy, no.

Midlife is when your 1970's Body-by-Jake now includes
Legs-by-Rand McNally (more red and blue lines than an
accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).

Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself and your chins
follow suit.

You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering
the "big" questions: what is life, why am I here and how much
Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a
healthy choice?
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into
night. Whispering firmly, the priest said,
"Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still
the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse
to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think
I ought to aggravate anybody."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"

A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but
the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the
position. "Do you even have any actual experience picking
lemons?" he asked.

"Well, I think I do." she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
When I'm An Old Lady
When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness... just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they've provided.
Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
And I'll bounce on the furniture... wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

When they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat,
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry...I'll run...if I'm able!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click,
I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud 'til the end of the day!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan, "She's so sweet when she's sleeping!"

God Bless All Moms and Grandmas Everywhere!


A young family, feeling cramped in their small apartment, went
shopping for a house. The parents looked at houses for a month before
deciding on a two-story house in the country. While driving to their
new home, the mom told the children about the house. It was a big,
two-story house with lots of room. She told them about the big back
yard with a swing-set; the playroom, big enough for all their toys;
and each child would finally have a room of their own. On their first
night in their new home, the parents got the kids to bed later than
usual, so the mother said they could only read one story. The 4-year-
old frowned and said, "No, mommy, this is a two story house!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
It was 6:00 pm, and I was about to leave the laundromat where I work.
My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off
someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for my cousin," she
apologized, "who's eight months pregnant and can't get out too
easily." I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at
the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered. "Hi, there," I
said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?" Holding up the white
bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for her." The
child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. "Mom!" She shrieked,
"Come quick! It's the stork!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone
number, I dialed him -- and got a woman. "Is Mike there?" I asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded. "Please tell him his girlfriend
called," I said and hung up. When he didn't return the call, I
dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed. "I know," he replied.
"That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Two carrots were walking down the road when a huge transfer truck
slammed into one of them. An ambulance was called and they rushed the
little fellow off to the hospital where he immediately went into
hours of surgery. Finally the doctor emerged and approached the other
carrot who had been anxiously awaiting in the waiting room. "Tell me
Doc, how is he?" The doctor replied, "I've got some good news and
some bad news. The good news is he's going to live. The bad news is
we're pretty sure he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
"How Much Does Patience Cost?"

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a
10 year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.
"How much is an ice cream sundae?"
"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.
The little boy pulled his handout of his pocket and studied a number of coins in it. "How much is a dish of plain ice cream?" he inquired. Some people were now waiting for a table and the waitress was a bit impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she said brusquely.
The little boy again counted the coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.
The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away.
The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and departed.
When the waitress came back, she began wiping down the table and then swallowed hard at what she saw. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies -- her tip.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this--especially all of the ladies who bake for fundraisers or church events.
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group back sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp.
But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to back another cake." This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends.
So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper!
She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alive woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom.
Alice was horrified she was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? Oh, my she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alive lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attended the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parents and not from the rounding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South... and to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert. Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake, she started out of her chair to rush to tell the hostess all about it, but, before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,"Why, Thank you, I baked it myself."
Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."