Sunday Funnies Mid-Morning Edition

Future Quotes from Grandparents

"Hell, I remember when we only had 500 channels of mind-numbing
crap to watch!"

"You call that *dancing*? Shoot! Tell your grandma to bring that
'Macarena' CD over here and I'll show you some REAL dancing."

"When I was your age, we didn't have surgically implanted telepathy
microchips! When we wanted to talk to our friends, we had to use
a CELL PHONE!"

"Senility, my ass! I'm telling you President Hasselhoff used to
have a talking car!"

"When I was your age, we didn't admire the grace and beauty of
a tuna swimming in some aquarium tank! No, sirree. We *ate* the
bastards -- right out of the can!"
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A wife is at home when she suddenly hears a knock on the door.
When she opens the door a man asks her if she has a vagina, the woman
Slams the door in disbelief of what a stranger has just asked her.
The same thing happens three consecutive days and the woman decides
To tells her husband. The husband says to the wife; "Tomorrow I am
Not going to work and when the man asks if you have a vagina say yes
And I will be hiding behind the door." The next day the same man
Comes again and when the woman opens the door he asks if she has the
Vagina and the woman says yes; the man then said to the woman, "Good,
Then please tell your husband to stop screwing my wife."


Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 1
0. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
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When jogging is something you do to your memory. You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears. The pattern on your shorts and couch match. You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car,
hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend. You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath. You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it. You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day. When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate. Getting a little action means your prune juice is working. All the cars behind you flash their headlights. You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation. You actually ASK for your father's advice. You don't know how to operate a fax machine. When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.


There is a family gathering, with all the generations around the
table. The teenagers smuggle in a Viagra tablet and put it in
Grandpa's drink.
After a while, Grandpa excused himself because he has to go to the
bathroom.
When he returned, however, his trousers were wet all over. "What
happened, Grandpa," asked his concerned children? "Well," he
answered, "I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out, but then I saw
that it wasn't mine, so I put it back.
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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear
you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
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As a dental hygienist, I had a family come in one day for cleanings.
By the time I was ready for the father, he informed me I had a lot to
live up to. His six-year-old daughter kept commenting that a "very
smart lady" was cleaning their teeth today. The father said she kept
going on about my intelligence until he finally had to ask what she
was basing her opinion on. The little girl replied, I heard people in
here call her the Dental High Genius. (Barbara Givens)
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A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" The mother
answered. "Not too good. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why
are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
"Because I don't want my mouth to be full of food if you should call"
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Rifka and Beckie are talking about their children. Rifka asks Beckie
how her daughter is. Beckie says, "Not too good. My daughter just
divorced her husband. He was a doctor." Rifka replies "Oh, I am so
sorry to hear that." Beckie continues, "Yes, it is sad. Her first
husband, whom she divorced three years ago, was a dentist. But she is
OK now, she is dating a handsome lawyer." Rifka replies, "A dentist,
a doctor and a lawyer. Oy Vey! All this naches from just one
daughter! [Naches: Proud pleasure or joy usually referring to the
accomplishments of a child]
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In the small, family-owned electronics store in Spokane, Wash., where
I work, we often get folks from out of town whose idioms are a little
different from our own. One day, after parking her car across the
street in an attended lot, a young woman came in. She made her
purchase and then asked, "Do you give validation?" Without batting an
eye, my manager replied, "You are an excellent person, and I love
your hair."


Each morning Jake would drive down Sunset Blvd. on his way to work.
For the past year a pretty hooker standing on the corner of Sunset
gave him the eye as he passed. Of late, she took to showing him parts
of what he would get if he stopped to pick her up. Jake was a good
husband and family man and didn't want to cheat on his wife. However,
lately the hooker was looking so tempting, he could not get her out
of his mind. After spending many sleepless nights, he went to consult
a psychiatrist. He told the psychiatrist she was driving him crazy,
he was married 45 years, and did not want to cheat on his wife. "What
should I do?" asked Jake. The psychiatrist said: "Take Melrose Avenue
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What is a crafty pig called?
CunningHAM.
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A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"
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Thought of day:
When someone asks you what time it is, glance at your watch and say,
"it's either six-fifteen or Mickey has a hard-on."
Guaranteed they'll ask somebody else.
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Man Says Bibles in Pocket Stopped Bullet
By Associated Press
Tue Nov 7, 9:06 PM
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. - A 54-year-old Orange Park man credits two
small Bibles in his shirt pocket for saving his life when they
stopped a bullet.
The man, whose name was withheld because his attackers are still
at large, told police that two men who he didn't recognize ambushed
him with a rifle as he carried bags of garbage to a trash bin. The
two men fled in opposite directions and have not been arrested.
Other than a red mark and a pain in his chest, he was not injured,
The Florida Times-Union reported Tuesday.
The man said he was carrying two New Testament Bibles in his shirt
pocket to give to friends. Police took the Bibles as evidence.