Parade of Jokes For ThanksGiving

A fellow evidently under the influence was trying desperately to catch a
train back to his suburban home. Three times he got on the wrong train.
Each time he was told that he would have to take another train.
When he boarded a fourth train he slumped down in a seat beside a
clergyman, whose eyes, ears and nose told him that this new passenger
had been drinking too much. He told our besotted friend, "Brother, may I
tell you that you are traveling the rough and rocky road to damnation."
To which the drunk replied, "Don't tell me I'm on the wrong train
again!"

TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING,
BUT I JUST COULDN'T SLEEP
I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS,
I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP.

THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED -
THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE
BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION
WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT

TOSSING AND TURNING
WITH ANTICIPATION
THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK
BECAME INFATUATION.

SO, I RACED TO THE KITCHEN,
FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR
AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE,
FULL OF GOODIES GALORE.

GOBBLED UP TURKEY
AND BUTTERED POTATOES,
PICKLES AND CARROTS,
BEANS AND TOMATOES.

I FELT MYSELF SWELLING
SO PLUMP AND SO ROUND,
'TIL ALL OF A SUDDEN,
I ROSE OFF THE GROUND.

I CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING,
FLOATING INTO THE SKY
WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PUDDING
AND A HANDFUL OF PIE.

BUT, I MANAGED TO YELL AS I SOARED
PAST THE TREES....
HAPPY EATING TO ALL - PASS THE
CRANBERRIES, PLEASE.

MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY,
MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP.
MAY YOUR POTATOES 'N GRAVY
HAVE NARY A LUMP,

MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS
MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE,
MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY
OFF OF YOUR THIGHS.

MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING BE BLESSED!!



Dear Master:

The cat is despicable. She doesn't do any tricks and never comes when
you call and I've been there and I know she can hear you. We need to
face the
facts:

It's time to get rid of the cat.

Before the cat's arrival, meals were very festive times. I would sit and
stare attentively at your lips, trembling slightly and drooling. You
would play the game of pretending to be cross and demand that I leave
the area, but whenever you cooked dinner your children would slip me
food under the table.

Now, though, the cat is allowed to jump on the table - actually
physically walk on the table! You don't yell at the cat, you just pick
her up and put her back on the floor, and I know you don't see it, but
she always gives me a haughty look as she walks past me.

And speaking of meals, I have always been satisfied to eat the gritty
pellets of meat by-products you bring home in the giant bags, right?
Have I ever once, ever, failed to finish a meal? But now I find out that
the cat is being served lobster and salmon and crab - and she never
consumes all of it! This means there are little containers of delectable
snacks lying around and how can I be blamed for making sure they get
eaten? Why do you get so mad? As long as the pet food is going to the
pets, isn't that what's important?

Speaking of sanitation, do you realize that the cat goes to the bathroom
in the house? And not in the drinking basins like you do, but in a
sandbox in the basement. What are we going to say if some woman brings
her baby over to play in the sandbox and the cat has been using it as a
toilet? I used to police the thing for you, but you put it up out of my
reach for some reason.

I'm not the only one who believes the cat is an evil person. Here's a
note from the hamster:
----
----

Subject: Cat

Please tell cat to stop staring at me while I work.

Signed,

Hamster
Department of Rodent Wheels

----
----

I also tried to get a note from the fish, but apparently it believes
that everything happening outside its bowl is some kind of reality - TV
show.

I don't understand why the cat is allowed up on the bed and I'm not. I
am far more cuddly than any stupid cat. I think her purring sounds
unhealthy and may be a sign of tuberculosis.

And why doesn't she ever get a bath? She smells like saliva from licking
her paws - you'd never catch me licking such ridiculous places. I often
smell wonderful from rolling in road kill, yet you give me baths all the
time.

And speaking of sleeping, sometimes I'll be taking a nap and she'll come
right up and lie down beside me. Usually I'm too tired to do anything
about it, but then later the other dogs smell her on me and crack a lot
of jokes at my expense.

So, not to exaggerate, but the cat has brought the family to complete
ruin. I'm sorry I have to be the one to bring it to your attention, but
now that I have, I think we can all agree that we should go back to the
way it was, when I was the #1 pet.

Sincerely, The Dog
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*


Then....and now. (sadly, not that much a joke)

Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1963 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to
his car and gets his to show Jack.

2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail
and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for
traumatized students and teachers.

++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1963 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up
best friends Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark.
Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

++++++++++++

Scenario: Little Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1963 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal.
Sits still in class.

2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School
gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

++++++++++++

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives
him a whipping.

1963 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to
college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster
care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that
she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's
mom has affair with psychologist.

++++++++++++

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.

1963 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking
dock.

2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car
searched for drugs and weapons.

++++++++++++

Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.

1963 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a
special school for expectant mothers.

2006 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies
the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion
without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told
to be more careful next time.

++++++++++++

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1963: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by ultra-liberals. Newspaper articles
appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for
graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state
school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core
curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a
living because he can't speak English.

++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July,
puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1963 - Ants die.

2006 - ATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic
terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home,
computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is
never allowed to fly again.

++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his
knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary, who hugs Johnny to
comfort him.

1963 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.
She faces 3 years in State Prison.

++++++++++++

And this is what they call progress?



In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told the bemused
doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been
admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone
seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped
Raggot, our gerbil, in." he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out
`Armageddon' , my cue that he'd had enough.

I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered
into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what
happened next.

"The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and flame shot out the
tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski' s hair and severely burning his face. It
also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a
larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out
like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a
broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first
and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.




A man is walking down the street saying the most terrible things about Italians to his friend. He blames the Italians for everything, the dark ages, the black death, WW1, WW2, problems in the Catholic Church, poverty, the Vietnam war, famine in Africa and so on. He is cursing the Italians in the vilest language.
Upon turning the corner they spot an Italian organ grinder with a small monkey. The Italian hating man reaches into his pocket, pulls out a few coins and places them in the cup the monkey is holding.
"You hate Italians so much. How come you did that?" his friend asks. The Italian hater replies, "Oh, I do hate Italians, that's for sure, but the kids are so cute when they're young."


A woman goes to a doctor to discuss her husband's impotentcy problem.
The doctor says just give your husband these pills in his next meal and
standback.
The woman goes home and hands the pills to her cook who
was preparing dinner for a dinner party later that night. The woman says
to the cook, "just put two of these in my husband dinner tonight".
As the woman walks out of the kitchen the cook thinks, sure, like I got
nothing better to do, and she throws the whole bunch into the soup.
As the guests were sitting down to dinner, the cook comes out of the
kitchen and advises the lady of the house that she must speak to her in
that there is a big problem in the kitchen.
The lady of the house follows the cook into the kitchen and demands to
know what is going on.
The cook admits to throwing all the pills into the soup and crys "I
don't know what to do, the meat balls have doubled in size and the
vermicelli is standing straight up".


A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without
water.

His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the
sand,certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he
sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He
crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks
to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue
Service ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her
pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have
three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust
an IRS auditor genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it
looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie
is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and
drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever
seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with
rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a
good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no
matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything,
there's going to be a string attached.



A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out
of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather
disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and
starts pounding on it. An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused
him to knock so loudly.
The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"
The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business.
But, since you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are
upstairs."
The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted
you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"