Wednesday, November 22, 2006


Thought for the day...
"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do."
Benjamin Franklin

The Perfect Wife
Here's a list of things you'd love for your wife to say...
(Yeah, in your dreams!!!)
Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
That was a great fart! Please do another one.
I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
Forget about me, I just want to do you tonight!
You're so sexy when you're hung over.
Let's go to Hooter's for dinner tonight!
I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you and then go shopping.
Let's subscribe to Hustler!
Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses!
I'll be out painting the house.
I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play Saturday too.
Honey...our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see.
No, no, I'll take the car and have the oil changed.
Your mother is way better than mine.
Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself some new clubs.
I fully understand.. .our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake, you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
Oh come on, what do you say we get a good porno movie, a rack of beer and have my friend Diana over for a threesome?
Not the friggin' mall again. Come on let's go to that new strip joint!
Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
You need your sleep you big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head.
How about I get implants? Is Double D big enough for you?
Let's cancel seeing my mother! Let's stay home and get out the whips & chains!

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered woman, invented sex.
Woman discovered sex, invented headache.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money!!!!!!

And … the rest is history

There is a knock on St. Peter's door. He looks out and a
man is standing there. St. Peter starts his interview
with the man when all of a sudden,the man just disappears.

A short time later there's another knock. St.Peter goes to
the door,sees the same man again, opens his mouth to speak,
but the man disappears once again!

This same scenario goes on two more times; each time, ending
with the man disappearing. "Hey, are you playing games with
me?" an exasperated St. Peter calls after him.

"No," the man's distant voice replies anxiously.
"They're trying to resuscitate me."


A girl says to her boyfriend, "I read a study that said 90 percent of all men masturbate in the shower and the other 10 percent sing." "Really?" said the boyfriend. "Yes," said the girlfriend. "Do you know what song they sing?" "No," replied the boyfriend. "I didn't think so," she said.
A three-year old boy was examining his testicles
while taking a bath.
"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet" she replied


Mrs. Jones called the doctor's office and was met with this response by the secretary. "This is Dr. Whitman's office. What would you like to talk about?" Mrs. Jones was disturbed by this response and replied sarcastically, "I want to order a hamburger with fries. For God's sake, why would I call a doctor if I didn't feel sick? I'm very sick. I need to see the doctor." "Fine," replied the secretary, "I can make an appointment for you. Let me see, ahhhh yes, I have an appointment one week from next Friday." "Great," said Mrs. Jones, "I'll have my mortician drop me off then!"
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has To be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition Because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
Subject: Sign

A Baptist preacher and a Methodist pastor from two local churches are standing by the side of the road, feverishly pounding a hand made sign into the ground with a large rock.

The sign reads:
The End Is Near!
Turn Around Now
Before It's Too Late!
As a car speeds past them, the driver yells, "Leave us alone, you religious wacko's!"
From the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.
The Methodist turns to the Baptist and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"

Well, Lordy, mercy, I's in a mess,
My wife run off with my TV set,
Didn't bother me none that she had to go,
'Cept I's gonna miss all my TV shows.

So I looked up to heaven, got down on my knees.
An' I cried: "Dear Lord, will you help me, please."
"I need a TV by tomorrow night,
"'Cos Rick Flare's involved in a talent fight."

Well I guess my tytheing finally paid off,
'Cos early next mornin' shoulda seen what I saw.
Reached in my overhauls for my inhaler,
'Cos there's a big brown box there, right in my trailer.

I used my truck keys, cut open the box,
I was hopin' for a Sony or a Microbox.
I looked at the name and thought: "Oh my gosh!
"This must be a new one called Macintosh."

Well my last TV was a whole lot wider,
But this'n here come with its own typewriter.
It had all the letters from A to Z,
I guess you just type in what you wanna see.

Well I thought I punched up: "You Done Help,"
But the TV Screen said World Wide Web.
Then I broke out in a cold, cold sweat:
I's the first redneck on the Internet.

He was the first red neck on the Internet,
A bona fide, countrified, cyber-threat.
He went on line just one time,
And now they won't forget,
The first redneck on the Internet.

It was all so new, I shoulda taken my time,
But I slammed that mouse up in four-wheel drive.
Last time I did so much pointin' and clickin'
I had a ..22 rifle shootin' at chickens.

Then, all of a sudden it occurred to me,
The power I had with this fancy TV.
I could get back at my ex-wife,
With the touch of a button, I could ruin her life.

So I got the number off her Mastercard,
I bought a new lift kit and four new tires.
Then, I got on line to her bank account,
Went ahead and closed that sucker out.

I had her power and her water shut, slap, off.
The I sent an e-mail to her dad blame boss,
Lettin ' him know that she told me,
She'd have his job by the end of the week.

He was the first red neck on the Internet,
A bona fide, countrified, cyber-threat.
He went on line just one time,
And now they'll never forget, (Won't forget.)
The first redneck on the Internet.

Now the moral of the story, as a matter of fact,
In a couple of days I got my TV back.
She said she'd like to come back, as well.
I told her to go straight to AOL.

Now, thank the Lord that the UPS,
For droppin' that box at Cledus' address.
If they ever wanna find him, it won't take long,
Type WWW.cledus.Com

To reach the first red neck on the Internet,
A bona fide, countrified, cyber-threat.
He went on line just one time,
And now they'll never forget, (Won't forget.)
He was the first red neck on the Internet

For us to remember about getting older...

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication you prescribed has
To be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,

"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
An older gentleman was on the operating table
Awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia
He asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son;
Do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
If something happens to me, your mother is going to come
And live with you and your wife...."
The older we get, the fewer things seem
Worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the
Roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would
Like to go back to youth,
Think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything
Either dries up or leaks.
I don't know how I got over the hill
Without getting to the top.

Ah, being young is beautiful,
But being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground
With sticks, it was called witchcraft..
Today, it's called golf.

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by
the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball
goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys
the drinks.
"I wish I could play my normal game...just once."
"Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul
If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even
during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely
make a perfect shot.
The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it
A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers
neither of whom can putt very well.
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it
is always possible to get worse.
Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and
shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you
go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.
If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt",you
might wish to reconsider this game.
Achieving a certain level of success in golf is only important if you
can finally enjoy the level you've reached after you've reached it.
Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work
. and both are expensive.
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.
In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers... they
shoot a six, yell fore and write five.
Swing easy. Hit hard.
If you find yourself pleased that you locate more balls in the rough
than you actually have lost, your focus is totally wrong and your
personality might not be right for golf... it is also just a matter of
time before the IRS investigates your business.
Why is it twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than sand?
"The greatest sound in golf is the Woosh, Woosh, Woosh of your
opponent's club as he hurls it across the fairway"

George has decided to get married, but not just to anybody. He wants to
marry a virgine, a good girl that hasn't fooled around and won't ever.
After a bit of thinking, he makes up this scheme to tell "good girls"
from "bad girls".
One day, as he's going down the street, he spots Janice, one of the
three young women on his "eligible" list. He walks right up to her,
pulls down his pants and flashes her.
"Well, Janice," he sais, "what do you reckon this is?"
"Why, it's a dick, of course," replies Janice instantly.
Obviously, Janice has been with men before, thinks George, and he cuts
her off the list.
Next on the list is Christine. After finding her, he goes on and flashes
her too.
"Tell me, Christine, what do you think this is?"
"It's your dick, George," answers Christine.
Off the list goes Christine.
His final hope is in Mary. He finds her and proceeds to the flashing.
"Mary, what do you think this is?" asks George.
Mary looks at his dick for a whole minute, then finaly answers. "I
honestly don't know, George, I'm sorry."
"ARE YOU SURE?" asks George again, unbelieving. "Here, study it all you
want, just be sure."
Mary takes her time and studies George's organ for a full quarter of an
"Sorry, George, I still can't tell what it could possibly be."
George is thrilled, and proposes to her. A few weeks later, they are
married. It's their first night together. They both go to bed, naked,
and George feels it's time to explain a few things to his wife.
"Mary, I'm going to learn you something very important. See this thing
here, between my legs. That's a dick."
"THAT is a dick?" gasps Mary. "You should see John's!"

Rabbi Bloom was getting quite a reputation for his sermons. His
synagogue was always packed because his congregation didn't want to miss
a single one of his words. One Sabbath, one member had to go to another
synagogue to attend a nephew's bar mitzvah. Because he didn't want to
miss the sermon, he asked one of his non-Jewish friends to go in his
place and tape the Rabbi's sermon. In that way, he could listen to it
when he got back. When other members of the congregation saw what was
going on, they too decided to ask their non-Jewish friends to go in
their places to record the sermon. They could then do other things, such
as play golf or go to football. Within a short time, there were 100
gentiles sitting in the synagogue recording the Rabbi's sermon. The
Rabbi got wise to this. So the following Sabbath, he, too, asked a
non-Jewish friend to attend on his behalf. His friend brought a tape
recorder and played the Rabbi's pre-recorded sermon to the 100 non-Jews
in the congregation who then recorded the sermon on their own machines.
This was believed to be the first incidence in history of "artificial
insermonation. "

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