Sunday Funnies Just For You

Thought for the day...
What comes from the depths of your
being, grows more intense and more
concrete as it works its way outward
What you hold in you heart,
you will see in your world.


"I Miss Bill Clinton" (A CLASSIC)
It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is hilarious.
From a show on Canadian TV.... there was a black comedian who said he
misses Bill Clinton.
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we
ever got to having a black man as
President.
Number 1 - He played the sax.
Number 2 - He smoked weed.
Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he don't! And, he gets a
check from the government every month. Manufacturers announced today they
will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in
honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists
primarily of a weenie in hot water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill
Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I
don't know, I never had one."
The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as
I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I
think you need to know."
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky
Panky between Bushes."
---ya gotta love it
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The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and
told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.

"We've been trying for months now, Doctor, and I don't seem to be able to
get pregnant," she confessed miserably.

"I'm sure we'll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her. "If you'll
just take off your underpants and get up on the examining table..."

"Well, all right, Doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather
have my husband's baby."


Blonde Painter
A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said:
You'll love this
Yep I know you will . . .
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"


An young Japanese girl was trained customarily by her mother that after
marriage she should always please her husband and never annoy him.

Well, after first night of their wedding, in the morning the girl got out of
the bed after making intense love the night before.

She bent down the pick the clothes of her husband's clothes on the floor who
was awake, and uncontrollably let out a big fart.

Ashamedly she looked up towards husband and said:,"Ahhs me so sowrwy...
excuse prease, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud."
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The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and
told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.

"We've been trying for months now, Doctor, and I don't seem to be able to
get pregnant," she confessed miserably.

"I'm sure we'll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her. "If you'll
just take off your underpants and get up on the examining table..."

"Well, all right, Doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather
have my husband's baby."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up
to leave until the theater was ready to close for the night. "You folks

must've enjoyed the show," the usher said.

"Disgusting," said the old lady. "It was revolting," her husband added.

"Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks.

"We had to wait until you turned up the house lights," the old lady
replied. "We couldn't find my panties, and his teeth were in them!"
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A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is place on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob".
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful - the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."
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It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but,
here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, Is
that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the
sapling.

The birch says, Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that
is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.
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Wipe that smile off your face!!


Four Old Timers Stories
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
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An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
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Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year- old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob replies. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was
90."
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A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. "These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours".