Tuesday's laughes

Thought for the day...
You can choose the way you relate to
what has been and what is now.
Choose to move forward with the
very best of it all.


Signs Your Caterer Used to Work for the NFL...

9. Since you chose the best entree, you get last draft choice on the
wine.

8. The servers dump the beverages over your head rather than filling
your glass.

7. None of the food served seems to require any sort of utensil to eat.

6. It might explain why that waiter, Kurt, keeps dropping the first
course.

5. It's the first time you've ever seen a waitstaff come out blocking
for each other.

4. Your waiter just did the Lambeau Leap into an unsuspecting table of
Shriners.

3. After rushing through the guests without letting anyone snag food
from her tray, the server spikes the bean dip and dances like a buffoon.

2. The only beverage choice you have is Gatorade.

And the #1 Sign Your Caterer Used to Work for the NFL...

1. The food's fine for the first three courses, but everyone chokes on
the fourth one.
@>~~,~~'~~X~~~`~,~~~<@

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "Don't!" "Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said. "Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!!!!!" "No Way!" "Yes, way!" "Do Not eat the fruit!" said God. "Why" "Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" said the Father. "I don't know," said Eve. "She started it!" Adam said "Did not!" "Did too!" "Did not!" Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

Some small town county police officers still write all their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that this had to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly. "Hello, Mr Smith? Is it true that you lost 2.025 pigs?" she asked. "Yeth." lisped farmer Smith. Being a small town county girl herself, the tech entered:: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."

Q. What do you call a stolen Hershey bar?
A. Hot chocolate!

Q. What two garden vegetables fight crime?
A. Beetman & radish.

Q. What happened when the police caught the frankfurter?
A. They grilled it.

Q. What is a black & white, black & white, and black & white & green?
A. Three skunks eating a pickle.

Q. When was beef the highest it has ever been?
A. When the cow jumped over the moon.

Q. What did the hungry dalmation say when he had a meal?
A. That hit the spots!

Q. What do you do if your dog eats your pen?
A. Use a pencil instead!

Q. Why don't dogs make good dancers?
A. Because they have two left feet.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*

A man in a hurry taking his 8-year old son to school, made a turn at a
red light where it was prohibited.
"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man says.
"Aw, dad, it's okay," the son replies. "The poilce car behind us just
did the same thing too!"
@>~~,~~'~~X~~~`~,~~~<@

In this particular branch of the Army's officer training school, the instructor was returning a test. The students identified their work by the last four digits of their Social Security number. In the early hours of a morning, the instructor was calling the numbers. "Four-seven- seven-zero? " he asked. "Here," replied one half-awake lieutenant-to- be. Taking the paper, though, he realized he had mistakenly asked for the wrong paper. "Seven-zero- seven-five? " asked the instructor. "Here," repeated the student, gearing for trouble. "I thought you were four-seven-seven- zero, soldier," spoke the teacher. "That's right, sir," answered our hero. "I have a nick-number. "

Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in hot
pursuit. Moses calls a staff meeting. Moses said, "Well, how are we
going to get across the sea? We need a fast solution. The Egyptians are
close behind us."
The General of the Armies responded, Normally, I'd recommend that we
build a pontoon bridge to carry us across. But there's not enough time.
. the Egyptians are too close."
The Admiral of the Navy said, "Normally, I'd recommend that we build
barges to carry us across. But time is too short."
"Does anyone have a solution?" Moses asked.
Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand.
Moses called on him. "You! You have a solution?"
The PR man said, "No, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way
out of this one, I can get you a lot of coverage in the Old Testament."
@>~~,~~'~~X~~~`~,~~~<@

A farmer wrote to a giant mail order company and asked the price of their toilet paper. The company wrote back and told him to look on page #287. He wrote another letter back, "If I had your catalog, I wouldn't need your toilet paper."

It was young Anthony's first ride in a railway train, and the succession of wonders reduced him to a state of hysterical astonishment. The train rounded a slight bend and, with a shriek of its whistle, plunged into a
tunnel. There were gasps of surprise from the corner where Anthony was
kneeling. Suddenly the train rushed into broad daylight again, and a
small voice lifted in wonder. "It's tomorrow!" exclaimed the small boy.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Grumbled the new groom at dinner:
"Why can't you make bread like my mother does?"
Answered his bride,
"Why can't you make dough like my father does?"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Your Honor," she told the judge, "I want a divorce. My husband has been
cheating on me." "That is a serious accusation," the judge said. "Do you
have any evidence to substantiate this claim of your husband's
infidelity?" "Yes, Your Honor. Just last night I was walking down
Broadway when I saw him go into a movie with another woman." "Who was
this other woman?" the judge asked. "I don't know. I never saw her
before." "Then why didn't you follow them into the theatre and find out
who she was. It may have been just a harmless coincidence. You should
have gone in after them." "I would have," she explained, "but the fellow
I was with had already seen the picture."

Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son's room,
a mother finally laid down the law: Each item of clothing she had to
pick up would cost her son 25 cents. By the end of the week, he owed her
$1.50. She received the money promptly, along with a 50 cent tip and a
note that read, "Thanks, Mom -- Keep up the good work!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
While standing watch in the Coast Guard station in
Juneau, Alaska, I got a call from the Navy in the
nearby city of Adak. They'd lost contact with one
of their planes and needed the Coast Guard to send
an aircraft to find it.
I asked the man where the Navy aircraft had last been
spotted so we would know where to search.
"I can't tell you," the Navy man said. "That's classified."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friends house. Knowing
his sweet tooth Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said,
"I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake." "No," replied Tommy,
"but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it,
and she gave me two more pieces without me asking."


HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar
to have a drink.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at
the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't
flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said
nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had
nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I
loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do
with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and
absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed,
and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still
felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his
thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

The Steelers lost today, but at least I got laid.


Pick-up Lines

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under the rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator. "

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do Not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized! "

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh, you're so right. I want you to leave."

Man: "If I could just see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Hey, cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"


Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000,
you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the
community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your
research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has
medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is
blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was
interrupted again."or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's
voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had
no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any
money to them, why should I give any to you?"
@>~~,~~'~~X~~~`~,~~~<@

Only three doors An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!" *

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Each day a man walked into his stable to ride his horse, John. He would call out, "Hey there, John, old buddy, how's everything today?" and then bridle his horse. One day while going through this routine he said, "Hey there, John..." when, to his surprise, the horse turned around and interrupted him! He said, "For months now, you've walked in here and said, 'Hey there, John, old buddy, how's everything today?' and I'm tired of it! You never wait for an answer, and besides, my name is Randy!" And with that, the horse took off running! Shocked, the owner took off after the horse trying to catch it. Seeing the pursuit, his dog joined the chase. After a while the man became tired and stopped to rest at the side of the road. He took out his handkerchief and wiped his face as his dog, who had continued the chase, came back also now breathless, and sat down beside him. The man wondered aloud, "I've never heard a horse talk before!" "Me neither!" said the dog, gasping for air.