25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle
of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going
to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"
The soldiers were tired and lonely after spending weeks
behind enemy lines . To entertain them upon ther return
the Major ordered a USO show for his troops with a new
hot belly-dancer number from the nearby town.
She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the
soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.
For her second number she stripped and danced in sheer
bra and G strings. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.
The next number she danced topless, and this time the
applause went onand on. The Major had to come on stage and
ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.
For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance
naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise
to bring the roof down.
But ten minutes later, when she came backstage, after her
dance, there wasn't any clapping.
The Major asked her, "What happened? How come there was
no clapping this time?"
She replied, "Major, now how do you expect those poor boys to
be able to clap with one hand ?" !!
The Onions & The Christmas Trees The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father,surprised, answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them, and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, " Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, It's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree??" "Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
Two very elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it figured maybe he had a cold or some such ailment. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had past and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill but one day Sam approached the park and lo and behold there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you???" Bill replied, "I have been in jail." "Jail???," cried Sam!! "What in the world for???" "Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?" Yeah" said Sam, I remember her. What about her?" "Well one day she charged me with rape and I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled "guilty" and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Hmmm,!" the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did.
"I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much extra work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?
"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.
State legislators are merely politicians whose darkest secret prevents them from running for a higher office.
- Dennis Miller
Only two things in life are certain, death and that twinkies will out last you.
- Mark Franklin
If crime fighters fight crime, and fire fighters fight fire, then what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that to us, do they?
- George Carlin
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow, sleep late.
- Henny Youngman
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews, bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'
- Jerry Seinfeld
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
We had gay robbers last night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
- Robin Williams
If your lips are extended beyond your nose then you are about to do something rude.
- Scott Adams
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
- Oscar Wilde
The clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain
Space is a dangerous place, especially when it's
between one's ears.
I have a game plan. I just don't have a game.
Better living through denial.
Welcome to Earth, a subsidiary of microsoft.
Rest assured that all your effort and hard work
will go unnoticed.
A man is having a tough day and stretches himself out on the couch to do a bit of what he believes to be well-deserved complaining and self-pitying. He moans to his wife, "Nobody loves me. The whole world hates me." His wife, busily occupied with other things, hardly looks up. "That's not true, dear. Some people don't even know you."
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.
FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELLTHEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.
TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO .
FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK !
I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'TWANT TO FIX STEPS ! HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS....... ......... ......... ......... .. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME . AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, ANDALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.
HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?
SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO... DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?