Mo White Trash Wednesday

(no extra links fo ya snaggin pleasure)


TODAY'S QUOTE
"Never forget that only dead fish swim with the stream."
Malcom Muggeridge

The Bacon Tree
Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days, and then the pioneers saw an old Jew sitting beneath a tree.
"Is there some place ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I wouldn't go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" Asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, a bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere."
The leader goes back and tells his people what the old Jew said. "So why did he say not to go there?" A person asked. Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know those Jews- they have a thing about pork."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to the old Jew. Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me."
The old man holds up his hand and says, "Vait a minute." He quickly picks up an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Oy, I made such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree...
(Are you ready?) You'll love this!!!!!
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* "It vuz a ham bush."


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DON'T FART IN BED"

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in there marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
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have never understood why the s*xual urge of men and women differ so much...

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
The passion starts to heat up, when she eventually said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT ? What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She then responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not for what I do in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep...

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a good lunch and then went shopping at a very big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said "Let's get a pair for each outfit".

We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she then asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing s*xual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?" I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.
" And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having s*x tonight either.
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"You know you're a redneck if......

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it when he was doing time in the state pen.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV s its on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does 100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because yo u were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65
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Last Sunday, the Gospel was the one about the ten bridesmaids. The five
good bridesmaids remembered to take plenty of oil for their lamps; five
bad bridesmaids did not.

The priest at our church is always very fiery and his sermons always end
on a high note.

Last Sunday the priest ended with...

"Where would you rather be? In the light with the five good bridesmaids
or in the dark with the five bad bridesmaids? "

I wasn't the only one who got it wrong!



The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water
and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to
stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he
couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see
a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one
Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he
was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the
turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a
malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where
her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers,
she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the
bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control
herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After
years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror! on his face. She bit her
lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts
out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some
Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
You have a cow and a bull.
The bull is depressed.

It has spent its life living a lie.

It goes away for two weeks.

It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.

You now have two cows.

One makes milk; the other doesn't.

You try to sell the transgender cow.

Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.

You lose in court.

You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.

You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.

You change your business to beef.

PETA pickets your farm.

Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.

Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows".

Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for
the children".

Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.

The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their
teats.

You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.

The "cow" starves to death.

The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.

Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset
and throws him out he goes and sits outside the class and can't stop
laughing.
The principle walks by and sees him sitting outside laughing. He says,
"Little Johnny what are you doing sitting here laughing ?" Little Johnny
says, "I farted in class and the teacher threw me out"
The principle says, "Well then why are you laughing ?"
Little Johnny says, "Cause the dumb idiots are sitting in the class
smelling my fart and they put me outside in this beautiful weather"
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A little boy is walking to school one day and hears some kids talking
about the yellow flower. He decides he wants to find out what it is. He
gets to school and says to his teacher, "I was on my way to school and I
heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. What is it?" His
teacher says, "I will not tolerate that kind of talk in my classroom! Go
to the principal's office!" The little boy goes up to the principal's
office, and the principal asks him, "What are you doing up here, son?"
The little boy replies, "I was on my way to school and I heard some kids
talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was and she
sent me up here. What is it?" The principal says, "I will not have that
kind of talk in my school! You are expelled from this school and every
other school in the state! Get out!" So the little boy goes home. His
mother asks, "What are you doing home so early?" "I was on my way to
school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my
teacher what it was, and she sent me to the principal's office, and the
principal expelled me from every school in the state. What is the yellow
flower?" His mother says, "Go up to your room! You're going to bed
without dinner. I'll send your father up to talk to you when he gets
home." So the little boy goes up to his room, soon after, his dad gets
home from work. He goes up to the boy's room and says, "Your mom tells
me you've been a bad boy. What did you do?" "Well, I was on my way to
school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my
teacher what it was, and she sent me to the principal's office, the
principal expelled me from every school in the state, and mom sent me to
bed without dinner. What's the yellow flower?" His dad says, "Get out of
my house son! I don't ever want to see you again!" The little boy is
walking down the street, and a few hours later a policeman stops him. He
asks him why he is walking by himself so late at night. The little boy
says, "Well, I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking
about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me
to the principal's office, the principal expelled me from every school
in the state, mom sent me to bed without dinner, and dad kicked me out
of the house. Can you tell me what the yellow flower is?" The policeman
says, "That's enough of that! You're going to jail for 99 years!" 99
years later, he comes back an old man, and decides he wants to try to
find out what the yellow flower is. So he heads to his old school where
it all started. As he is crossing the street, he gets hit by a car and
dies. What's the moral of the story? Look both ways before crossing the
street....

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads. We
have naively thought it had something to do with their religion.
The true story has just been revealed by the Indian Embassy in
Washington. When one of these women get married, on her wedding night
the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a
convenience store, a gas station, or a motel in Texas or possibly
Florida.
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The old panhandler living in New York heard that his brother was
very sick in Los Angeles. By working day and night for a week, he was
able to beg enough to buy his airplane ticket. He arrives at Kennedy
Airport, goes to the ticket counter, and plunks down all the money.
The clerk at the counter counts it and says to the man, "I'm
sorry sir, but you're a nickel short."
The panhandler tells the clerk that he'll be right back. He runs
out in front of the terminal and stops the first man he sees. "Mister,
can you let me have a nickel, so I can get to California?"
The stranger flips him a quarter and says, "Here, take four of
your friends."
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Having been married ten years and still living in an
apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was
tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home."
Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within
their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining
again.
"Honey," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are
no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take
a bath!"
"Don't worry," replied her husband. "If the neighbors DO see
you, they'll buy curtains. Maybe for us, too!"
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When his dachshund had puppies, there was a Texas boy who was trying to
figure out how to find homes for the puppies. He asked his mother if
she
had any unique ideas, but she replied that she didn't.
Waiting 'til his father got home from work, he said, "Dad, I
heard a cowboy song today that gave me an idea how to find a home for
Doxie's puppies!"
The father said, "Oh, really son? What's that?"
The boy replied, "I need you to make a sign up for me, because I
can't write too well.... but what it would say is 'Whoopie-ty- yi-yo, get
a L O N G little doggie!' Can you make the sign for me, Dad?"


You might be a redneck addicted to the world of computers if... If yer
computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8's and
cinderblocks. Ya think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestlin'
organization. Someone tells ya they're "locked up" and ya ask if they
need bail money. Ya've ever been too drunk to chat. Ya think a hard
drive is a trip to Uncle Bubba's. Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spit
can. Ya think a surge suppressor is a pill for diarrhea. Ya keep trying
to figure out why yer scanner won't pick up police radio calls. Ya think
a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds. Ya have to ask someone how to
spell LOL. Yer stomach overlaps half of yer keyboard.

Ya try to figure out how to get yer empty beer cans into the recyclin'
bin. Ya try to turn on yer computer with the remote. Ya try to figure
out how yer floppy disk got hard. Ya play Frisbee with yer CD Rom's. Ya
find yerself on the floor looking into yer "A Drive" yelling 'Give it
back! Give it Back'. When birds fly across yer screen ya reach for yer
shotgun. Yer yards full of ol' computers stacked on cinder blocks. Ya
use yer CD-ROM drive as a beer holder. Ya call tech support an ask where
ta buy stamps fer yer e-mail. Ya think ICQ is how smert yer computer is.
Ya think yer homepage is where ya really live. Ya give directions to a
website that include a person, animal, or old barn. Ya see the word
Download, and take the shells out of yer shotgun. Ya think the person
that made yer keyboard was dumb cuz the letters aint in order. Ya see
the "shift" key and try ta figure out how ta change gears. Ya see the
word "Zip" and know why youz feelin' a draft. Yer puter has a bumper
sticker on it. Part of yer puter is held together with duct tape. Ya
sees the word "Refresh" and reach into the cooler fer another beer