Saturday giggles and hidden links
A fellow evidently under the influence was trying desperately to catch a
train back to his suburban home. Three times he got on the wrong train.
Each time he was told that he would have to take another train.
When he boarded a fourth train he slumped down in a seat beside a
clergyman, whose eyes, ears and nose told him that this new passenger
had been drinking too much. He told our besotted friend, "Brother, may I
tell you that you are traveling the rough and rocky road to damnation."
To which the drunk replied, "Don't tell me I'm on the wrong train
Recently a young woman came into my pals insurance office with her
newborn twins. He asked her if she ever had any trouble telling them
She gave him a funny look before responding, "No, I haven't had
any problem. This is Gary, and his sister, Elizabeth."
A pilgrim was walking across the prairie during the days of the Old West
when he came across a small town. Passing through the town, he noticed a
saloon and decided to stop and quench his thirst. After ordering a beer,
he stood at the bar and observed the other clientele in the saloon.
Suddenly the saloon door swung open, and a cowboy came running in
yelling "Big Jake's comin'!" Within seconds the establishment had
cleared, leaving the pilgrim and his beer alone at the bar.
Sure enough, a huge seven-and-a- half foot, 500 pound cowboy came
swaggering in, tearing out the front door frame with his broad
shoulders. The cowboy looked around the saloon, marched over to the
pilgrim, picked him up by the scruff of the neck, and threw him over the
bar, bellowing "Gimme a drink!" The pilgrim complied, placing the
almost-full bottle next to the glass on the bar. The cowboy tossed back
the drink, then bit the neck off of the bottle and emptied that too.
At that point, the pilgrim, quaking in his boots, asked "Sir, would you
care for another?" To which the cowboy replied, "Nope. I gotta go. Big
*Tips For Blondes*
If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.
If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be
resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
If you want your refrigerator' s ice maker to work, you need to hook it
to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with
No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.
A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside
of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.
It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.
When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately. Remove
disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there.
When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mailroom and
look for a package.
The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English
language web pages into French.
If you're in the armed services and it's April 1st and you get an e-mail
message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders...... ....
If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have to
specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh.
*More Church Bulletin Bloopers*
The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse.
"Correction: The following typo appeared in our last bulletin: 'Lunch on
Sun. will be gin at 12:15.' Please correct to read '12 noon.' "
Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to participate in this
lay ministry program. It requires a very minimal amount of training and
time. The orientation will include six weekly classes of about 200 hours
each Tuesday night.
The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person is asked to
bring a friend, a vegetable, and dessert in a covered dish. Meat and
drinks will be furnished.
The last day of Vacation Bible School will include a field trip to the
state game farm. We could use some additional volunteers to help
prepare the lunch of sandwiches, potato chips, cheese, crack, and kool
aid that morning.
Remember the youth rummage sale for Summer Camp. We have a Gents
three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for sale, in good running order
In response to bringing your pets, Mrs Taylor has volunteered to bring
her fat to the children's bible class for all to enjoy.
After a day of grueling maneuvers under the blazing Texas sun, the
all-female platoon stood in front of the barracks.
"All right, ladies, think about this," bellowed the drill instructor.
"If you could have ten minutes alone, right now, with anyone in the
world, who would that be?"
Amid much mumbling, one voice was heard from the back row.....
Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for
admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.
One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and
helped kids overcome their deformities. " St. Peter said, "You can enter."
The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate
themselves." St. Peter also invited him in.
The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I
helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can
come in, too."
But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added,
"You can stay three days.
you can go to Hell."
A lesbian goes for her annual physical. After the ob/gyn completes the
physical she says, "You can get dressed now, your test results will be
back in a few days, but stop by my office and I'll review the exam I
just gave you."
When the patient returns to the office a few days later, the MD says,
"Well, you seem to be in perfect health, I couldn't find a thing wrong
in my exam. Furthermore, I'd like to compliment you on your excellent
personal hygiene. I have hundreds of patients, and I can't think of a
one of them who keeps her genital area so clean and fresh."
The lesbian patient says, "Well, there's a perfectly good reason for
that, you see, I have a woman in three times a week."
Fanny and Myron get married and on their first night in bed, Myron puts
his arm around Fanny and very sweetly whispers, "Fanny darling, please
pull up your nightgown."
Very sweetly Fanny answers, "Nooo."
Myron asks again, a little sterner, "Fanny pull up your nightgown."
Fanny again says, "No."
Myron is now angry and says, "Fanny, pull up your nightgown or I'm going
out the door and you'll never see me again."
"No." says Fanny.
So Myron gets up and goes out the front door, slamming it behind him.
Fanny immediately gets up and locks the door.
Not too long after, Myron is back. He tries the front door but finds it
locked. So he taps on the door and says, "Fanny, my darling, open the
door, it's me."
Fanny says, "Nooo."
Myron knocks a little louder, "Fanny, sweetness, please open the door."
"No." says Fanny.
Myron starts kicking the door and shouts, "Fanny, open this door right
now or I'll break it down."
Fanny says, "Really? A door you can break down, but a nightgown you
can't pull up?"
A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of
our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all
the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued,
"You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one
noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!"
Hangover Rating System
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively
well However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still
feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you
have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is
only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the
fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some
definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds
you of the flavoured schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to
drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed
watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3
iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else
you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and
has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but
that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face.
(For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the
bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair
hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five
shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who
enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every
pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the
corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the
remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the
foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this
morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge
of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare floater' thrown in. The sole
purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all
over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now...
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Specificity
British Constitution Passive-aggressive disorder Loquacious
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Thanks,
but I don't want to have sex Nope, no more booze for me Sorry, but
you're not really my type Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out
tonight Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing