C & C

My husband David's colleague at a package-processing center was trapped
in a small rest room by a faulty lock. When he was finally discovered,
David and another worker were able to open the door with some
difficulty. The lock was still jammed, so they blocked the door open
while a maintenance worker was called. A bit later, David noticed the
door was closed again. He jiggled the doorknob and a voice from inside
called, "Get me out!"
"Don't worry," David replied, "Maintenance should be sending somebody."
"They did," said the voice.
~~*~~*~~*

The operators of a rope tow in a popular ski area were having trouble
with non-ticket purchasers sneaking onto the ski lift. Finally, one of
the operators stayed at his post operating the tow, while the other,
wearing a discarded pair of skis, elbowed his way to the head of the
line. The tow operator promptly called him back, "Hey, where's your lift
ticket?"
"I don't need a ticket to ride this tow." At this, the tow operator
produced an ax and, with two blows, deftly chopped off the fronts of his
partner's skis, just ahead of his toes. With the crowd of skiers staring
in amazement, the operator lowered his ax and turned to the crowd,
"Anyone else out there who doesn't have a lift ticket?"

Groans and Grimaces

When a knight in armor was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his grave?
Rust in peace!

How many ears does Star Trek's Mr. Spock have?
Three! A left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.

What do you call a carved girl pumpkin?
A jill-o'-lantern

What did the artist want to draw when he climbed up to the summit?
His breath. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

Mummies swim in the Dead Sea.

And of course, you heard about the stake-out in the vampire emergency room.

His new wife couldn't make freshly ground coffee because she didn't know beans.

There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass.'

Mr. Hyde celebrated every Halloween with a Jekyll lantern.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Brandon had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport. "How come?," his nephew asked. "My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained. "Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents."

The gladiator was having a rough day in the arena. His opponent had sliced off both of his arms. Nevertheless, he kept on fighting, kicking and biting as furiously as he could. But when his opponent lopped off both feet, our gladiator had no choice but to give up, for now he was both unarmed and defeated.

A poet who was strolling along a beach trying to console himself over the death of his pet canary. He encountered a man carrying a small gull with a broken wing. After a brief discussion, the poet gave the man one of his poems in exchange for the injured bird. Thus did the bereaved poet take a tern for the verse.

A magician accidentally turned his wife into a couch and his two kids into armchairs. He started to panic and thought to himself, "What on earth have I done?" He began to ponder, "How am I going to bring back my beloved family? I don't know any magic to turn them back into people! So, he thought for a while and decided a good idea was to take them to a hospital and see if the surgeon could operate and bring them back. He loaded them into his van and off he rushed to the local hospital. He walked up and down the hospital hall and after
some serious surgery, he asks the doctor, "Doc, how are they?" The doctor replied, "Comfortable!"

Vampire pickup line: "What's your type?"

Kiss: Mom's medicine.

You're always bringing legal action on somebody: SUE

"Bad Money" by Count R. Fitz

"Come sing with me, " asked Carol.

Is your bill in the Chinese restaurant a Shanghai check?

Dracula got into his casket one July. As he reclined he remarked, "There is nothing like a cool bier on a hot day."

I have a neighbor who is currently involved in a major custody battle. His wife doesn't want him and his mother will not take him back.

Staying at the trendy, new hotel was the inn thing to do.

Harry Schine bought a horse and named it Harvest Moon. Then he had a portrait painted of himself sitting astride the horse. The painting, of course, was titled, "Schine on Harvest Moon."

One dark night, as a group of American tourists huddled in Nelly's, a well-known pub in Killarney, Ireland, a local Irishman sidled up to one of them and proposed a scheme to sell a cure for leprosy. "I'm sorry," said the American stiffly, "I'm not Irish. I don't believe in leper cons."

This morning, I called my HMO doctor's office for an appointment. "I'm sorry, Mr. Mariotti," said the receptionist, "we can't fit you in for at least two weeks." "But I could be dead by then!" I retorted "No problem," she said. "If your wife lets us know, we'll cancel the appointment."

It's about that time of the year in certain parts of the U.S. and several persons have indicated that they will attempt a new technique. They plan to take a can of peas with them; cut a hole in the ice and place a circle of peas around the hole. Then, when a fish comes up to take a pea, they will grab it!

Paddy O' Leary had spent the eve drinking at the local tavern. He knew he had a long walk home, so though he was a wee tipsy, he recalled a shortcut through the town's cemetery. Paddy staggered 'round the graves, but lost his footing and fell into a hole dug for a burial the following day. He passed out when he hit bottom. Upon awakening the next morn, Paddy stood up and realized where he was-- and promptly shouted "Glory Be to GOD! 'Tis the Resurrection Day--
and I'm the first one up!"

"High C We Sing," it's our motto,
And we boast of a killer vibrato
Our sound is unmatched
'Cause we're, well, unattached:
You're just nuts if you're not a castrato.

Primate: The act of removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Untold Wealth: That which does not appear on income-tax returns.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

ADULT PUNS OF THE DAY

"Say," began Lucille one day over lunch, "didn't you go out with that guy who played the French horn?" "Yeah," said Diane, stirring her iced tea. "You were really looking forward to it, I remember. How'd it go?" Lucille leaned forward eagerly. "Actually he was a pretty nice guy," volunteered Diane reluctantly. "But there was one real problem..." "Oh, really?" "Every time he kissed me, he wanted to shove his fist up my ass."

Two vampires walk into a bar and the first one orders a cup of blood. The second one orders a warm glass of water. The first one asks,"How come you didn't order a cup of blood?" The second one pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm having tea!"

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality. "I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury." The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony. "I
saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's pecker." The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that!"

Kevin, the dumb, said "I'm breaking up with Sherry!", to his friend James. "Are you crazy ? Sherry is a beautiful and smart woman!", said James. Kevin responded..."Last night Sherry broke down and told me she was bisexual, and who the hell wants to screw just twice a year?

A man longs to wed a maiden with her virtue intact. He searches for one but resigns himself to the fact that every female over the age of 10 in his town has been at it. Finally he decides to take matters in hand and adopts a baby girl from the orphanage. He raises her until she is walking and talking and then sends her away to a monastery for safekeeping until marrying age. After many years she finally reaches maturity and he retrieves her from the monastery and marries her.
After the wedding they make their way back to his house and into the bedroom where they both prepare themselves for the consummation. They lie down together in his bed and he reaches over for a jar of petroleum jelly. "Why the jelly?" she asks him. "So I don't hurt your most delicate parts during the act of lovemaking," he replies. "Well, why don't you just spit on your cock like the monks did?"

What kind of costumes do brunettes wear on Halloween?
They don't, they just stand on their heads and go as dirty mops.

Scientists are saying that in the future we will be able to have sex with robots. I tried that once. It was horrible. Right in the middle I had to call tech support. (David Letterman)

Coitus interruptus is nothing more than a pulled muscle.

When Snow White married the Prince, she did not know that he was impotent. That's why she sang the ballad, "Someday my Prince will come"

What do hillbillies do on Halloween?
PUMP-KIN!!!

The new accounts director was dictating a note to her personal assistant. She paused, uncertain about the proper phrasing in the next sentence. "Do you 'retire a loan'?" she asked the young man. "Not when I can help it," he replied with a smile.

Boy: "Those clothes are very becoming on you!" Girl: "Why thank you!"
Boy: "Of course, if I was on you... I would becoming too!"

The exhibitionist who went on trial was taken into joint custody but they couldn't make the evidence stand up in court. He was his own lawyer and he got himself off.

Why did the women get mad at her dildo?
It just laid there and acted like a prick

A woman with a good body at a nude beach will often lie face down in order to make a good impression

There was a young vampire called Mabel
Whose periods were very unstable
One night under the moon
She pulled out a spoon
And drank herself under the table

Homosexual: One who has sex only in his own residence

Cunnilingus is a person who can speak four languages

Archeologists do it with mummies.

Confucius say foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.


Blonde going to Houston...
The plane is on it's way to Houston when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class had that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm a blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here." The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here." The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry." She gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her the first class wasn't going to Houston."


"Doc, I can't sleep anymore," the man complained. "I've tried everything, but I just toss and turn."
"You have to learn to relax," the doctor said. "Try putting each part of your body to sleep separately."
That night the guy crawled into bed, got comfortable and started to talk to his body. "Toes, go to sleep," he whispered. "Feet, go to sleep.
Legs, go to sleep. Hips, go to sleep. Stomach, go to sleep"
Just then his wife walked in wearing a transparent teddy.
Her husband opened one eye, then lifted his head from the pillow. "OK,"
he shouted, "up, up...everybody up!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple
bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his
throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of
golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced our balls
into a pasture of cows."
"We went to look for them, and while I was looking around, I noticed one
of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and
lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my
wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. And
that's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks
like yours!'
"I don't remember much after that."


Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher,
posed the following problem to one of her math classes:
"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars.
One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity.
Now, what does each get?"
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Morris raised his hand.
The teacher called on Little Morris for his answer.
With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Morris answered,
"A lawyer!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
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This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her,
"What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches
and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her
how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the
woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say
something. The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."