A Swiss man is looking for directions, and he pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, konnen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. They continue to stare. "Praat julle Afrikaans?" The Americans just look at each other. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. Disgusted, the Swiss guy drives off. One American guy turns to other and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" says the other. "That guy knew five languages and it didn't do him no good either."
THIS IS HILARIOUS
It's a little early for Xmas Stuff but what the HELL !!
It's better if you use sound.
Click on the link and use your arrow keys to get Santa drunk.
This is real funny!
Don't touch the train track! Oh what the hay touch the track it is hillarious!
In the essence of holiday stress, thought you might
take a moment from Your busy, busy lives to demonstrate your keyboarding prowess.
Use your arrow keys to take Santa to his goal of complete alcoholic Oblivion!
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was
an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just
had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and
convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate
Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course
about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet
anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday
morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter
leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and
exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton
hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short
of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you
let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
In the spirit of the season for giving, I thought it would be appropriate for us all to set aside our differences and focus on doing something “nice, happy or loving” as a gift for others this year.
Whether you are Christian or Atheist, Muslim or Jew, black or white, male or female, gay or straight – All of us can agree that it is good to give gifts to others.
Below is a List of 30 Religiously Neutral Gifts That Can Be Given Long After the Holiday Season is Over:
* Make eye contact with a stranger and smile at them.
* Mend a quarrel with a family member.
* Hug a friend who is lonely or sad.
* Wave hello to your neighbors as they drive by.
* Turn off the television and talk with your spouse.
* Spend quality time playing with your children.
* Help someone who seems to be lost.
* Express appreciation to an overworked retail clerk.
* Be patient with a frazzled waitress.
* Forgive a loved-one for hurting you.
* Listen carefully when spoken to.
* Follow through with an old forgotten promise.
* Write a long overdue love letter.
* Let someone go before you in line at the store.
* Be gentle with an angry person.
* Offer joy to someone with a broken spirit.
* Apologize when you are wrong.
* Open the door for a mom pushing a baby-stroller.
* Release a grudge from the past.
* Seek-out an old childhood friend and catch up on old times.
* Compliment a co-worker about their performance.
* Lessen your demands on others.
* Be cheerful around those who seem to be down and out.
* Encourage the brokenhearted.
* Volunteer your time to visit the elderly living in a nursing home.
* Baby-sit for a widow or single mother.
* Welcome new movers with a basket of cookies.
* Offer hope to someone who feels hopeless.
* Give cheerfully without expecting anything in return.
* Don’t forget to SMILE & always BE THANKFUL!
Whatever the reason for giving this season – Remember, there is always someone else out there who has it worse off than you, so don’t grumble and complain about your life, just be happy for the wonderful things you already have.
Shortcut to: http://worstgenerationseed.blogspot.com/
According to the order form she brought home from school, if we wanted a
a school photograph of our first-grader, there was just one simple rule
we had to adher to:
"Your child must be present at the time the picture is taken"
I walked into a coffee shop on Halloween to find the woman behind the
counter with a bunch of sponges pinned to her uniform.
"I'm assuming this is a costume, but just what are you supposed to be?"
The waitress responded proudly;
"I'm self-absorbed. "
Our six year old son was all excited about his Halloween costume. "I'm
going to be the Pope," he said.
"Jake, you can't be the Pope," I said. "You're not Catholic. You're
Jake hadn't thought about that. So he considered his alternatives. After
a few minutes, he asked,
"Is Dracula a Lutheran?"
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street
cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other
side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time
passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate."
The Biologist concludes: "They have reproduced."
The Mathematician says:
"Now if another person enters the house,
it'll be empty again!"
150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan Pinkerton for protection. That was the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time, the federal government has produced a large number of multi-letter agencies such as: FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc. Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service". an't you see them now, these 'highly trained' men and women in their black outfits with jackets saying across their backs: F.A.T.A.S.S. The FATASSs are of course supervised by a special section of the Home Land Security Section known as: Airport Security Service Home Office Logistics Enhancement Section or the A.S.S.H.O.L.E.S. I feel safer already.
A salesman came across a house that had a large number of cars parked
outside it. Intrigued, he stopped and decided to sell his double glazing
to the owner.Answering the door was a gorgeous young woman, and the salesman started
into his banter.After she turned down his offer for double glazing, his curiosity got
the better of him and he asked how she came to acquire so many cars.
"Well," she said. "I make bets with gentlemen, they lose they give me
their car."The salesman becoming more intrigued, asks, "What does the bet entail?"
All they have to do is copy exactly what my son does.""Is that all? How old is your son?"
"He's only seven."With this the salesman can't resist anymore."OK, I'll bet you I can do exactly what your son can do and if you winyou get my car, but what do I get?""I'll buy your double glazing and give you a good time in my bedroom."
The salesman agrees and the woman calls her son."Right, Tommy I want you to put your hand up my blouse."
Tommy puts his hand up his mother's blouse and the salesman does exactlythe same.
"Tommy, put your hand in my bra."Tommy puts his hand in his mother's bra and the salesman does exactly
the same."Tommy I want you to put your hand up my skirt."
Tommy puts his hand up his mother's skirt and the salesman does exactly the same.
"Now Tommy, I want you to bend your dick.
The salesman hands her his keys.
In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to wine snobbery,
a woman phoned the classified ad department of a newspaper.
She offered for sale what sounded like "well-aged Caumeneur."
The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular, wine,
but was used to the infusion of French words into the local vocabulary.
"Could you please spell that?" she asked.
"You know," said the woman impatiently,
Our four children, always on the go, frequently communicate with each
other by leaving notes around the house telling where they've gone, what
they're doing, or whatever.
Recently, we came across the following written exchange between
Michael, 18, and Steve, his 12-year-old brother: "Steve -- borrowed
your hairbrush. I'll return it when I get back. If you need one, mine
is in Mom's car (which is why I had to borrow yours).--Mike"
Steve's response, written on the same note was: "Mike--- It's
not mine. It's the dog's. Steve"
A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin. "Where the hell
have you been?" she asked. "You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he said. "I've just lost you in a card game."
"How did you manage to do that, genius?" she asked
sarcastically. "It wasn't easy, honest," he told her. "I had to fold with a
Morris was at the dentists office for a cleaning and
check up. The dentist checked his teeth and asked if he was "flossing
"Well," Morris hedged, "I floss more often than I go to
Judy had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters,
"Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or
"Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never
asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his
various requests instead; what he really likes...
In Judy's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of
labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
"Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't
Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
End of frustration for Jusy because no matter what her husband replies
when she asks him what he wants for dinner.... it's there waiting!!
My buddy applied for a job as an insurance salesman. Where the form
requested "prior experience," he wrote "lifeguard." That was it.
"We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but
who can sell himself as well," said the hiring manager. "How does
working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship? "
My pal replied, "I couldn't swim." He got the job.
His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Morris'
Last Will and Testament.
"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 150 acres of land,
and 1 million dollars.
To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the new Jaguar.
To my daughter Shirley, I leave my yacht and $250,000.
And to my brother-in-law Aaron, who always insisted that health
is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill."
Joyce, an RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her
resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position,
because of the nursing shortage in her area.
She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and
attached her resumè to each one. Two weeks later, Joyce was dismayed
and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an
Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that
explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else. It read: "Your
resumè was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for
the vegetable lasagna recipe. I plan to try it real soon."
Labels: Christmas Fun