Now, how many of you would like to go to heaven?"
asked the Sunday school teacher.
All the eager children raised their hands except Little Johnny.
"I'm sorry, I can't.
My mother told me to come right home after Sunday school,"
explained Little Johnny.
During mail call one evening at Marine Corps boot camp, I received
several letters from home. The drill instructor was getting
irritated at having to keep calling my name.
"You must have a lot of people at home who like you, huh?" he
"Sir, no, sir!" I shouted.
"Oh, so you're calling me a liar?" goaded the DI.
Trained as a Marine to think quickly on my feet, I yelled out,
"Sir, creditors, sir!
The DI had to leave the room to keep us from seeing him laughing
"The Almighty answers all the prayers. Sometimes he answers 'yes,'
sometimes he answers 'no,' and sometimes the answer is 'you gotta
A Brazilian man has revealed he is addicted to funerals.
Luis Squarisi, 62 has attended every single funeral in his town
for the past 20 years and has quit his job to be able to feed
He told news reporters, "What set me off was my father's death
"The first thing I do every morning is call the local funeral home."
A spokesperson for local funeral home said, "We don't want him to
go to therapy, everyone expects to see him at the funerals."
A dead woman won an election to a rural school board in Alaska,
on the toss of a coin.
Kathryn Denton died on the day of the election which left her and
challenger tied. Even with Denton's death, state law required a
tie vote to be settled by lot after an official recount.
The unnamed challenger called heads, but the coin landed on
tails. The school board must now find a replacement.
A young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date and is given
some word of advise and warning by her mother; "Look darling, they
all want the same, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him;
1.) kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and
2.) or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can
3.) never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a
"GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it."
The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety, and Mom waits and
waits until just after midnight when she's back.
"How was it?" asks mom.
"Oh mom, it was absolutely fantastic, and I think I'm in love!"
"Lets not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?"
"Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely
careful not to hurt or harm me!"
"What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?"
"Not exactly mom, see it was like that. First he wanted to kiss
me and I told him what you said, and he stopped."
"Then he went to touch my breast and again I told him what you said,
and he stopped."
"Then he slowly went under my skirt close to the private part,
and I told him what you said.
"And he then took his hands out and said; 'What a coincidence,
I happen to have a nice piece of "Fillet" and would love to put
it in your "Grill" to cook!!'"
"WHAT?!?" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is no different
to the others. You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?"
"Well, not really mom. You see, he promised to be careful and was
very careful not to 'burn' his fillet. Every now and then he took
it out and had me 'taste it' to see if it was cooked or not."
A couple hasn't been getting along for years,
So the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a
Cemetery plot for her birthday." You can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again
And he doesn't get her anything. She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present?"He says, "Why should I?
You didn't use what I got you last year."
An avid male golfer's buddies were going to be out of town for the
weekend so he decided to go down to the golf course and see if any group
might need a fourth member. Sure enough there were three women and they
were glad to have him join them.
Since he was the guest, they decided to let him tee off first. The man
teed off and his ball sliced badly to the right and landed in a sand
trap. The man immediately exclaimed "Oh shit!"
One of the women reminded him that he was playing with three ladies and
not his male buddies and that ladies do not appreciate that kind of
language. The man promptly apologized and promised it would not happen
The woman who had spoken to him about the cursing then teed off and her
ball hit a tree and then caromed off into the same sand trap. She
immediately said "Oh shit!"
The man spoke up and said that he realized he was a guest but it seemed
like there was a double standard in that the woman used the same word
that he was told he should not use.
The woman quickly replied, "There's no double standard. Your ball didn't
hit the fucking tree!"
Conoco recently had its "pie day," when employees were given
bonuses based upon company performance. That's not weird. Those
kinds of bonuses are a good tool for upping company profits.
Along with their news release about Pie Day, Conoco sent to the
news room a wonderful apple and caramel pie. Sending food is a
standard, attention-getting ploy among PR people. And it allows
me to talk about one of our own weird rituals -- the two rules of
Rule No. 1. If it's costly -- anything more expensive than, say,
a coffee mug with company logo -- it gets sent back.
Rule No. 2. If it's edible, it goes on the counter next to fax
machine and everyone eats.
A few Christmas seasons ago a box arrived addressed to a staffer
who had just resigned. Unless it's obviously personal mail, the
successor on a beat opens all mail sent to the predecessor. We
routinely get mail from PR people addressed to reporters who have
been dead for decades.
The box in question contained a smoked turkey. Rule 2 was
invoked. The next day staffers brought bread, condiments, pickles,
An hour after the feast, a call for the departed staffer came
from the source of the turkey. When told that person had resigned,
the caller demanded the bird back.
We could only offer the bones.
"A lawyer is someone who writes an eighty-page document and calls
it a brief!"
"It's astonishing how politicians never say anything, yet always
insist they're being misquoted!"
My wife will buy anything marked down. Yesterday she came home
with an escalator. --Henny Youngman
My friend has a job installing pipe. When Friday comes, he tells
his boss it's time to pay the piper.
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where the hell have you been?" Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a Fifty Dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in Disdain. "Why would any sane guy get a Fifty Dollar bill tattooed on his Privates?" "Well, for one...I like to watch my money grow. Two...once in a while, I like to play with my money. Three...I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly...instead of you going out wasting money on Shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow Fifty bucks Anytime you want." Larry is currently recovering in hospital
A parrot developed the bad habit of screwing the farmer's hens, making them quit laying. The farmer tells the parrot if he does it again he will pull out every feather in the parrot's head. The next day, the farmer again catches the parrot humping a hen, and snatches the parrot bald.
The following day, the farmer's wife hosts a formal dinner. She thinks it would be unique if the parrot greeted the guests and told them where to go. She had spent nearly a year training the parrot for this.
As the guests began entering, the parrot dutifully announced, "Ladies to the right! Gentlemen to the left!" Spotting two bald guys entering, the parrot says, "And you two chicken-fuckers get up here with me
When the white man found this land, Indians were running it.
No taxes... No debt... Plenty buffalo... Women did most of the work...
White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that?
HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER!
You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the
meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle; you don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mom: I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if Stephanie is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY .. . NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
Liberal hippy or level headed republican you choice The answer can be found by answering the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock .40 caliber, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
What have I done to provoke this attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What does the U.N. think?
Could I perhaps swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
Does this Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
What kind of message does this gun send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was taking time stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Could this be solved by raising taxes?
This is all so confusing!
I need to discuss this with some liberal friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse.
Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she
had ever seen and walked over to inspect it. As she
bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an
unexpected little fart escaped. Embarrassed, she
anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed
and hoped a salesperson hadn't been near. But, as
she turned back, there, standing next to her, was a
salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted! her,
" Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as
though nothing had happened, she smiled back and
asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied,"Madame, I'm very
sorry to say that, if you farted simply from touching it,
you are going to shit when you hear the price.
Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work.
I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise.
"Does anyone know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed limit is in our parking lot"?
The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up.
"That depends. Do you mean coming in to work or leaving"?
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them
decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell
and hurt ourselves.
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