giggles

A new world's record in the high jump
from a kneeling position
was set yesterday at a beach
on the coast of Australia.

The picture below was taken just a few seconds
before the jump took place . . .

~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~


Spot the difference.









Carla was well into her seventies when she went to her doctor complaining of nausea, exhaustion, and occasional cramps.

After a thorough examination the doctor sent her to the hospital for a battery of tests, and finally confronted her with the results.

"Mrs. Barber, medically impossible though it seems at your age, there's no doubt about it: you're pregnant."

"Impossible," she cried, and fainted dead away.

When she came to, she staggered to the phone, dialed her eighty-two-year-old husband, and screeched, "You've knocked me up, you randy old goat!"

There was a long pause at the other end of the line. Then a voice said, "And to whom am I speaking?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
<TrainsMeet>Watch the signal turn from red over green to red over red as the approaching train runs the signal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pet News

Here we go again folks............Or is it a copy cat??.Guess we will see.

http://www.itchmo.com/

Sunday Giggles

An extraordinary event was witnessed at a Memphis branch Union
Planters bank today. Heather Williams of Germantown pulled up to
the drive-thru ATM, put her card in, withdrew cash and then her
card, and pulled away in mind-boggling two minutes and 48
seconds. Ms. Williams set a new world record for "Female Drive-
Thru ATM Withdrawal."
ATM Officials were giddy at the site of this remarkable woman.
"Oh, man, I knew there was something special right when she
pulled up!" Bank Manager Brian Sontag gushed. "She nailed
positioning her car right in front of the ATM! She didn't go too
far forward, then have to put her car in reverse, then ease back
up a little bit, then back completely out because she was too far
from the machine. Unbelievable! "
As the record breaking ATM withdrawal was taking place, Sontag
marveled at how Williams defied the dictates of style. "I was
breathless when she got the car positioned right and would have
been able to pass that story along to my grand- children. But I
almost passed out when she had her ATM card *ready* to insert!
There was no digging through her purse! No fumbling with that
little white envelope that women store the card between uses. She
had it ready -- and get this -- she didn't have to check her
address book for her PIN number!!!"
Sontag shook his head, amazed. "Williams also didn't read every
screen of the ATM window. She didn't get on her cell phone and
ask guidance from her best friend on the best denominations to
withdraw!"
Sontag continued. "While the ATM was processing her request,"
Sontag sits, obviously overcome with disbelief, "Ms. Williams
didn't start touching up her makeup! There was no adjusting of
the rear view mirror, no fumbling through her purse for some
lipstick. This had an enormous effect on her record breaking run
since she didn't have to put all of that crap away when the money
came out!"
When the money popped out of the ATM, Sontag reports, Williams
was ready. "As I said, she wasn't putting on her makeup. She was
studying the machine and when that money came out, she removed
it. Pressed the button to let it know she didn't want any other
transactions -- and, because she never took her car out of
'drive', she didn't put the car in *reverse* and back up over the
guy behind her!"
Union Planters had a camera on the entire transaction and plans
to turning the film into a training video for the ATM-challenged.
************
Saudi Arabia's Prince Saud called Wednesday for a quick end to the
American occupation of Iraq. He's not the only one on edge. Every Arab
ruler is smearing lamb's blood on their palace door next week hoping
that George W. Bush will pass over them.
************
A congregant asked his Rabbi, "Rabbi, you're a man of God. So why is it
that you are always talking business when I, a businessman, am always
talking about spiritual matters when I'm not at work?" "You have
discovered one of the principles of human nature," the Rabbi replied.
"And what principle is that, Rabbi?" "People like to discuss things they
know nothing about."




What your grandmother told you
If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
If you don't eat, it will kill me.
Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
Always whisper the names of diseases.
Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
Wine needs to breathe so don't rush through the kiddish.
Never pay retail.
No one leaves a simcha hungry; but then no one leaves
with a hangover.
And what's so wrong with dry turkey?
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
A shmatta is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
************
Did you know that Moses had to make a third trip up to the top of Mount
Sinai? Well, on this third trip, Moses arrived at the burning bush after
much climbing, removed his sandals, kneeled and prayed to God. "Oh
mighty God, King of the Universe, your people have sent me back here to
ask you a question about the Ten Commandments. " "What question do they
have for me?" roared the voice of God. "They want to know whether the
commandments are listed according to priority."
************
Morty arrives home from work and as soon as he sets foot in the house,
Sadie is on to him, telling him that their friend Marvin has finally
quit smoking. "Imagine that, Morty," she says, "someone who smoked 3
packs a day for 20 years has stopped smoking all of a sudden. Now that's
what I call will power - something that you definitely don't have." But
Sadie hadn't finished. "And that's not all. I hear that Bernie, that
drunken friend of yours, is finally giving up drinking - another example
of the kind of will power that you don't have." "OK, Sadie," said Morty,
"you want to see will power, do you? Well here's will power. I am going
to sleep in the spare room from now on. I am going to prove to you that
I won't be affected at all by not sleeping with a woman." Morty keeps to
his word. One night, when he had been sleeping alone for a week, there
is a knock on his bedroom door. Morty shouts out, "What do you want?"
Sadie replies, "Marvin has started smoking again."
************
Monsters

A guy was driving down a road and he ran out of gas. He went to the
nearest house to ask for help. As soon as the owner opened the door, it
started to pour, so the guy asked to stay overnight. The owner said,
"OK, but if you see a monster in the garage, whatever you do, don't
touch it." The man went up to the guestroom, but he was too curious. He
went down to the garage and saw the huge ugly monster. He decided to see
what it would do if he threw a rock at it or made faces. He did both but
nothing happened.
So the man went and touched the monster. Up the monster jumped and
chased the man all over the country. When the man got to a cliff, he
thought he was going to die, so he rolled up in a tiny ball.
When the monster arrived, he touched the man and said, "You're it!"


Valentine

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that
they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's
Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get
mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would
get mad.? Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden,"she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I think that if Osama thought a little American
Jewish girl could have enough love to give him a valentine, he might
start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving
people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent
valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going
all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he
didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound
pride.
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know,"Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the
Marines could shoot that sorry dog."



Tax ~

Here is one person's answer to Tax Frustration. It is supposedly a real
letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of 1995's weird and bizarre
denial of dependents, exemptions and credits. The letter speaks for
itself.
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I
have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They
are evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors and
no longer my responsibility, the government should know something about
them and what to expect over the next year. Please do not try to
reassign them back to me next year and reinstate the deductions. They
are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest
you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's
questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has
not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes
should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's
wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense.
While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't
run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some
Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to
drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she
possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I
have felt it best to teach her the virtues of abstinence, or in the face
of overwhelming passion and ignoring us, safe sex. This is always
uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the
future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a
rather good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax
examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February,
I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was
bringing Pat home. He and his friends were toilet papering houses. In
the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to
Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is
purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to
deal with it. You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few
days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I'll
take care of filing your phone number with the vice- principal. Oh yes,
he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of
testosterone, and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your
home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls,
explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (They
find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out
the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by
magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She
came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads,
sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately, you will be
raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading
courses. "Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the school has dropped it.
But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount
of the deduction that you are denying me! It's quite obvious that we
were terrible parents (ask the other two). She cannot speak English.
Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out
of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/ yuppie/political double speak.
The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's.
It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats
backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more
times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am
sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she
sort of "nests" in her room, and I think that it would be easier to move
the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get
to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest
two; I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am
free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling
before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I
won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy.
Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have
already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in
additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.
Yours truly,
Name withheld to protect the sane.

(Allegedly, the IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.)

Tuesday's Funnies

Now, how many of you would like to go to heaven?"
asked the Sunday school teacher.
All the eager children raised their hands except Little Johnny.

"I'm sorry, I can't.
My mother told me to come right home after Sunday school,"
explained Little Johnny.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
During mail call one evening at Marine Corps boot camp, I received
several letters from home. The drill instructor was getting
irritated at having to keep calling my name.
"You must have a lot of people at home who like you, huh?" he
barked.
"Sir, no, sir!" I shouted.
"Oh, so you're calling me a liar?" goaded the DI.
Trained as a Marine to think quickly on my feet, I yelled out,
"Sir, creditors, sir!
The DI had to leave the room to keep us from seeing him laughing
hysterically.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
"The Almighty answers all the prayers. Sometimes he answers 'yes,'
sometimes he answers 'no,' and sometimes the answer is 'you gotta
be kidding.'"

A Brazilian man has revealed he is addicted to funerals.
Luis Squarisi, 62 has attended every single funeral in his town
for the past 20 years and has quit his job to be able to feed
his addiction.
He told news reporters, "What set me off was my father's death
in 1983.
"The first thing I do every morning is call the local funeral home."
A spokesperson for local funeral home said, "We don't want him to
go to therapy, everyone expects to see him at the funerals."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A dead woman won an election to a rural school board in Alaska,
on the toss of a coin.
Kathryn Denton died on the day of the election which left her and
challenger tied. Even with Denton's death, state law required a
tie vote to be settled by lot after an official recount.
The unnamed challenger called heads, but the coin landed on
tails. The school board must now find a replacement.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date and is given
some word of advise and warning by her mother; "Look darling, they
all want the same, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him;
1.) kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and
will shrivel,
2.) or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can
shatter, and
3.) never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a
"GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it."
The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety, and Mom waits and
waits until just after midnight when she's back.
"How was it?" asks mom.
"Oh mom, it was absolutely fantastic, and I think I'm in love!"
"Lets not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?"
"Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely
careful not to hurt or harm me!"
"What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?"
"Not exactly mom, see it was like that. First he wanted to kiss
me and I told him what you said, and he stopped."
"Then he went to touch my breast and again I told him what you said,
and he stopped."
"Then he slowly went under my skirt close to the private part,
and I told him what you said.
"And he then took his hands out and said; 'What a coincidence,
I happen to have a nice piece of "Fillet" and would love to put
it in your "Grill" to cook!!'"
"WHAT?!?" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is no different
to the others. You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?"
"Well, not really mom. You see, he promised to be careful and was
very careful not to 'burn' his fillet. Every now and then he took
it out and had me 'taste it' to see if it was cooked or not."



A couple hasn't been getting along for years,
So the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a
Cemetery plot for her birthday." You can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again
And he doesn't get her anything. She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present?"He says, "Why should I?
You didn't use what I got you last year."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*


An avid male golfer's buddies were going to be out of town for the
weekend so he decided to go down to the golf course and see if any group
might need a fourth member. Sure enough there were three women and they
were glad to have him join them.
Since he was the guest, they decided to let him tee off first. The man
teed off and his ball sliced badly to the right and landed in a sand
trap. The man immediately exclaimed "Oh shit!"
One of the women reminded him that he was playing with three ladies and
not his male buddies and that ladies do not appreciate that kind of
language. The man promptly apologized and promised it would not happen
again.
The woman who had spoken to him about the cursing then teed off and her
ball hit a tree and then caromed off into the same sand trap. She
immediately said "Oh shit!"
The man spoke up and said that he realized he was a guest but it seemed
like there was a double standard in that the woman used the same word
that he was told he should not use.
The woman quickly replied, "There's no double standard. Your ball didn't
hit the fucking tree!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Conoco recently had its "pie day," when employees were given
bonuses based upon company performance. That's not weird. Those
kinds of bonuses are a good tool for upping company profits.
Along with their news release about Pie Day, Conoco sent to the
news room a wonderful apple and caramel pie. Sending food is a
standard, attention-getting ploy among PR people. And it allows
me to talk about one of our own weird rituals -- the two rules of
newsroom gifts.

Rule No. 1. If it's costly -- anything more expensive than, say,
a coffee mug with company logo -- it gets sent back.

Rule No. 2. If it's edible, it goes on the counter next to fax
machine and everyone eats.

A few Christmas seasons ago a box arrived addressed to a staffer
who had just resigned. Unless it's obviously personal mail, the
successor on a beat opens all mail sent to the predecessor. We
routinely get mail from PR people addressed to reporters who have
been dead for decades.

The box in question contained a smoked turkey. Rule 2 was
invoked. The next day staffers brought bread, condiments, pickles,
etc.

An hour after the feast, a call for the departed staffer came
from the source of the turkey. When told that person had resigned,
the caller demanded the bird back.

We could only offer the bones.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
"A lawyer is someone who writes an eighty-page document and calls
it a brief!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
"It's astonishing how politicians never say anything, yet always
insist they're being misquoted!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
My wife will buy anything marked down. Yesterday she came home
with an escalator. --Henny Youngman
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
My friend has a job installing pipe. When Friday comes, he tells
his boss it's time to pay the piper.



Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where the hell have you been?" Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a Fifty Dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in Disdain. "Why would any sane guy get a Fifty Dollar bill tattooed on his Privates?" "Well, for one...I like to watch my money grow. Two...once in a while, I like to play with my money. Three...I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly...instead of you going out wasting money on Shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow Fifty bucks Anytime you want." Larry is currently recovering in hospital
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A parrot developed the bad habit of screwing the farmer's hens, making them quit laying. The farmer tells the parrot if he does it again he will pull out every feather in the parrot's head. The next day, the farmer again catches the parrot humping a hen, and snatches the parrot bald.
The following day, the farmer's wife hosts a formal dinner. She thinks it would be unique if the parrot greeted the guests and told them where to go. She had spent nearly a year training the parrot for this.
As the guests began entering, the parrot dutifully announced, "Ladies to the right! Gentlemen to the left!" Spotting two bald guys entering, the parrot says, "And you two chicken-fuckers get up here with me
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
When the white man found this land, Indians were running it.
No taxes... No debt... Plenty buffalo... Women did most of the work...
White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that?


HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER!

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the
meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle; you don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom: I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if Stephanie is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY .. . NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER


Liberal hippy or level headed republican you choice The answer can be found by answering the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock .40 caliber, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
What have I done to provoke this attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What does the U.N. think?
Could I perhaps swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
Does this Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
What kind of message does this gun send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was taking time stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Could this be solved by raising taxes?
This is all so confusing!
I need to discuss this with some liberal friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

Marine's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Reload)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse.
Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she
had ever seen and walked over to inspect it. As she
bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an
unexpected little fart escaped. Embarrassed, she
anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed
and hoped a salesperson hadn't been near. But, as
she turned back, there, standing next to her, was a
salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted! her,
" Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as
though nothing had happened, she smiled back and
asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied,"Madame, I'm very
sorry to say that, if you farted simply from touching it,
you are going to shit when you hear the price.
Work Safety
Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work.
I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise.
"Does anyone know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed limit is in our parking lot"?
The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up.
"That depends. Do you mean coming in to work or leaving"?
,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them
decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell
and hurt ourselves.



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«´¨`·.Sharing.¸¸.·´¨`»

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