This That And Frog Hair2: August 2006

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Friday's No News Edition

I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all

Barbie - Boston Style...

Mattel announces the release of models of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls
Boston-area market:

Newton Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Chestnut Hill Mall.
She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a
longhaired foreign dog-named Honey and a cookie cutter house. Available
with or without tummy tuck and face-lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in
conjunction with "augmented" version.

Revere Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of
her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she
chased her beer-gutted boyfriend Ken out of her triple-decker. Her
make-up is dark red lip liner with your choice of lips covered in a
sparkly pink or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble includes low-rise
acid-washed jeans with assorted colored G-strings that stick out the
back and a white see-through halter-top. Accessories include: CD-player
equipped with Bon Jovi and a rusty old Ford pick up.

Lexington Barbie: This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with your
choice of Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan. She gets lost easily and
has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell
phone sold separately. Optional matching gym outfit.

Dorchester Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm
handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with tinted windows and her own Meth
Lab kit. his model is available after dark and can be paid for only in
cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you're a cop...then we
don't know what you're talking about.

Brookline Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports
car or a souped-up Hummer 2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit
card and country club membership. Also available for this set are
Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. But you can't afford them

Billerica Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler
jeans two sizes too small, a Harley Davidson shirt and has a tattoo of a
Tweety bird on her shoulder. She has big, stiff hair, a six-pack of Bud
Light and a Lynard Skynard CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and can kick
Mullet-haired Kenny doll's ass when she's drunk. Purchase her pickup
truck separately and get its NASCAR bumper stickers absolutely free.

Nahant Barbie: This collagen injected, rhino-plastic Barbie wears a
leopard-print beach outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while she entertains
friends at the beach house. Percocet prescription available.

Cambridge Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu, has long gray hair
and arch-less feet, sandals with white socks, no makeup and a mutt. She
prefers that you call her "Willow."

Dedham Barbie: This soccer mom Barbie comes with a Suburban or Minivan
and comes equipped with TV, VCR and DVD player and baby car seats or
boosters for the 8 kids permanently attached to the seats of the
vehicle. This toddler toting Barbie comes with cell phone, pager, palm
pilot, and dressed in gym clothes with Nike Air tennis shoes. Vehicle of
choice comes with Jesus fish and stuffed Tiger with suction cup paws to
stick on rear window. Bumper sticker for honor roll student and Chuck E
Cheese Pizza optional.

What did the leper say to the hooker after she gave him a blow job? Keep
the tip.
The Roman Catholic Church is coming out with a new low-fat Communion
wafer. It is called: "I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus!"
Four women were chatting in the locker room, when one of them mentioned
the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation,
i.e. jerking off, spanking the monkey, slappin' the salami and so on,
there weren't any common terms for female masturbation. "I've always
called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women. "But that's just a
feminization of 'jacking off,'" said the first. "You're right," said
another. "We don't seem to have any slang terms of our own for it." The
fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of marriage, there's only
one thing I call it." "What's that?" "Finishing the job."
Q: What do you say to a man with a three-inch dick?
A: Hahahahahahahaha!
Send This Warning to Everyone on Your List!
If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey
then asks you to show him your boobs... DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS! This
is a scam. He only wants to see your boobs!
Old Rabbi Wolfson was begging his board of directors to buy a new
chandelier for the synagogue. Pleading for more than an hour, he sat
down sullen and hopeless in his ambition to acquire a chandelier. Then
the elder president of the board stood up. "What're we wasting time
talkin' for?" he said rhetorically. "Foist of all, a chandelier, ... we
ain't got nobody who could even spell it. Second, we ain't got nobody
who could even play it. And third, what we need most in the synagogue is
more light!"

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and
I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
A man searching for the perfect bearskin was directed into the hills
to a wild mountain man. "I want three perfect bear skins - must be
perfect, and I will pay top price to get them," he told the mountain
man. They agreed upon a price, so the two, with the wildman's dog,
set off into the hills. Soon the dog was on the trail and had a large
bear up a tall tree. The dog was going mad tearing at the bark trying
to get up the tree to the bear.

The mountain man placed his rifle down and said, "Stand back, watch
this." He started shaking the tree, the dog was in a rage. The bear
fell down and the dog promptly jumped on it and screwed it to death.

"That's incredible," said the man. "I've never seen a dog like that."

Soon the dog had another bear up a tree. Same thing again, down came
the bear and was quickly screwed to death by the dog.

"One more to go," said the mountain man and the dog was on the trail
again. Once again another bear was treed, the mountain man shook the
tree, but the bear refused to fall.

"Take my rifle," he said.

"Why?" said the man.

"I'm gonna climb that tree," said the mountain man, "and if I fall
down before that bear - shoot the dog!"
After hours of tracking, a hunter finally spotted a huge bear, took
careful aim and squeezed off a shot. At the spot where the carcass
should have been, however, he found nothing. The hunter felt a tap on
his shoulder, turned and was face to face with the bear.

"I'm sick of you guys shooting at me," the bear said. "Now drop to
your knees and blow me or I'm gonna maul your face off."

The hunter reluctantly did as he was told. A week later, he brought a
bigger gun returned to the same spot, sighted the same bear and
fired. Again, no carcass. Again a tap. "You know the routine," said
the bear. "On your knees."

Finally the frustrated hunter brought an elephant gun and went out
once more to stalk the bear. Getting the animal in his sights, he
pulled the trigger. While searching for the body, the hunter felt a
tap on his shoulder.

"Tell me the truth," the bear said with a sigh. "You're not in this
for the hunting, are you?
A man and his wife were sitting in a bar. Gary
comes in and sat down next to the woman. As he
sipped his drink, Gary ogled the women until her
husband, incensed, demanded that Gary stop
looking at his wife, and that he wipe those
filthy thoughts out of his mind.

Gary said, "Hey man, I wasn't ogling your wife; I
wasn't thinking any filthy thoughts...back off
buddy....I just came in here for a piece of beer."

Two old women were sitting on a bench talking.
One asked the other: "How's your husband holding
up in bed these days?"

The second old woman replied, "He makes me feel like an exercise

"How's that?"

"He climbs on and starts pumping away, but we never get anywhere."


Don's wife had recently died and she was being
buried. Don was sobbing and was being consoled by
his friends. "Don't worry Don, in five or six
months you may meet a beautiful lady who will
make you happy."

"I know, I know," says Don, "But what am I gonna do tonight?"
To all employees who work overtime:

Oh husband, oh husband, I tremble with fear,
You've been on overtime almost a year!

And since you are gone till way late at night,
A good piece of ass seems way out of sight.

Oh husband, dear husband, please don't be a fool,
working this overtime is wasting your tool.

Far better it is to be poor all your life
Than to bring a soft peter home to your wife.

Oh husband, dear husband, now don't get me wrong,
The money is good, but so was your dong.

You came home from work just able to creep;
I feel like screwing! But you want to sleep.

Each evening, dear husband, you crawl into bed;
Your intentions are good, but your pecker is dead.

I play with your pecker all wrinkled and dry;
I get so damned mad! I could lay down and cry.

I have pleaded with you dear, with tears in my eyes;
I have played with your balls, but your pecker won't rise.

For in this whole world, there is only one sin,
For which there's no pardon and never has been;

And that is a man who's so foolish and mean
That he gives up Fucking to run a machine!
A well-known N.F.L. quarterback went into a local bar and soon set
his sights on a striking young woman. He boasted of his passing
statistics, his running ability and his superb physical condition.
Finally persuading her to go back to his hotel room, he crowed "You,
young lady, are about to see what two hundred and fifteen pounds
dynamite looks like."
In the room, he got her a drink, then excused himself. "When I come
back, honey, you're going to see two hundred and fifteen pounds of
As he emerged from the bathroom stark naked, the woman jumped to her
feet and ran out the door, screaming hysterically.
A security guard heard the commotion and came running. "What's the
matter, miss?" he asked.
"Back in the room six ninety-one," she gasped, "There's two hundred
and fifteen pounds of dynamite with a two inch fuse!"

Q: What are lawyers good for?

A: They make used car salesmen look good.
Q: Which officer is the butt of a lot of sailor jokes?

A: The rear admiral.
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
Q: Why did God give politicians one more brain cell than horses?

A: So they don't poop in the 4th of July parade.
Q: How do you get a hillbilly out of a bathtub?

A: Throw in a bar of soap.

Q: What's the difference between a hillbilly wedding and a
hillbilly funeral?

A: There's one less drunk at the funeral.


Check Out The Story

A big H.T. to Nicola I found this-story on her blog. TonyBlair has lost his mind and probably his power if he goes forward with this one. Just read it and see what ya think. I think it stinks of something very evil.

Laughes to Start Your Day

I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat,
but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked
her pupil.
"Because I pissed in it's ear and it didn't move," answered
the child innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!'
and it didn't move."
Three male mice are sitting at a bar with three
shots of tequila arguing about how tough they are.
The first mouse says, "I'm so tough I break into
the cupboard just to eat the rat poison." He slams
down his tequila and looks at the second mouse.
The second mouse replies, "That's nothing. I'm so
tough I run through a mouse trap, grab the cheese,
flip onto my back & benchpress the killer springed
trapwire." He slams down his tequila and looks at the
third mouse.
The third mouse slams down his tequila, slides off his
stool and begins walking away from the bar.
The other mice scream, "Oi! Softy!, where do you think
you're going?!
The third mouse replies, " Home, to shag the cat ."
While visiting St Patrick's Cathedral on a tour of
New York City, my daughter and her children were
awed by the sight.
The kids were especially curious about the votive
candles, so my daughter asked if they'd each like to
light one. She explained that is it customary to say a
prayer of petition or thanks, and she was careful to
tell them that these are not like birthday candles.
"Do you have any questions?" she asked.

"No," said the five-year-old, "but if there's a pony
outside, it's mine."

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is just so
priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it
is today.
A relative died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February
and March for their monthly service charges on her credit card, and then
added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been
$0.00, now is was somewhere around $60.00.
I placed a call to Citibank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections. "

Citibank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report
her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you--The part about her being

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer). "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." (Fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more
I can do to help."

Me: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep
billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Me: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Hwy 129, plot number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

While attending the U.S. Army's Airborne School...The day before
our first jump, the instructors (known as 'Sgt Airbornes', students are
called 'Airborne') demonstrated all the possible malfunctions one might
After watching a total malfunction, i.e. the parachute fails to
deploy, one of the students asked "Sgt. Airborne, if we have a complete
malfunction, how much time do we have to deploy our reserve parachutes?"
"Airborne, you have the REST of your life to deploy that
Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy's checkbook, Mike made
a deal with her; he would look at it, but only after she had spent a few
hours trying to wrestle it into shape.
The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and
figures, Cindy said proudly, "I've done it! I made it balance!"
Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. "Let's see... mortgage
550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00." His brow wrinkled as he read
the last entry. "It says here ESP, $615. What the heck is that?"
"Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!"
A Catholic Priest, a Protestant Minister and a Rabbi are
discussing the question of when does life begin. "Without any doubt,"
says the Priest, "life begins at the moment of conception, when the
sperm meets the egg."
"No, no!" says the Protestant Minister. "Life begins at the moment
of birth, when the baby emerges."
"No way," says the Rabbi. "Life begins when the last kids are out
of college, and the dog dies."

What's dumb?

Directions on toilet paper.

What's dumber than that?

Reading them.

Even dumber?

Reading them and learning something

Dumbest of all?

Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing
The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head's
office. He's a friendly guy and on the rare opportunities that I have to

pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations. While I was in his

office yesterday I asked him "Sir, What is the secret of your success?"
He said "Two words."
"What are they?"
"Right decisions."
"But how do you make right decisions?"
"One word." he responded.
"What is that?"
"And how do you get Experience?"
"Two words"
"What are they?"
"Wrong decisions"
While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman
asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband. When I

asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first.
Then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle

with her forefingers and thumbs. "I don't know his size,"she said, "but
hands fit perfectly around his neck."
After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot
at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the
same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you going
to park there?" look.

His responding gestures were very complicated. First he shook his head.
Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself,
his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms
upward and shrugged.

Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want
the space. I mean, I didn't want anyone mad at me over a parking space.

"You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've
known that I was giving you the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take
the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll
take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.


Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Whimical Musings over a............

I added Halo scan at the urging of another blogger. I guess, really it is a good thing however I dont' get that many comments to worry over. This post is for fun. (My fun)

This blog welcomes all comments. Whatever they are. I will defend my own and let others ponder over the nuts. I am too old and been walking this path we call life far too long to worry over some dork. I am not upset over the comment just perplexed. This person Ragnar has left several rude comments that I still think are nonsensical. However tonight I will give him the space he seeks and ask one and all what in the world is he talking about?

Questions about his comments.

Does he hate the cartoon charactor Maxine? (I mena duh its a cartoon.)

Does he have something against women?

Penis Envey? Could it be that?

A militant homosexual aka gay person?

He wishes to call me names. Which I don't really give a rats pattuti about. I have been called names by better n that. I might, even could teach him a few new names and phrases. Trust me this old lady can make the hard core construction workers blush.

Halo scan comment below what the heck is this guy talking about?

You're blind AND rude..Now ain't you a treat?How about THE FUCKING IMAGE ON THE TOP OF YOUR SITE BITCH?hmm..That should explain it..(The bitch name was your idea.. Not mine..)Oh and by the way I have a d rated blog.Ragnar Homepage 08.30.06 - 1:04 pm #

Also What the heck does Ragnar mean?


Real White trash for Wednesday

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand
new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it
costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to
him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind
of car ya' got there sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO and it cost half a million
"Wow! That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young
dude proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the
window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man
says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man
just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the
speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view
mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it
could be and suddenly, "WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!" Something whips by him
going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man
asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250
mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and
passes the moped at 275 mph.
"WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!" He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror
and sees the old man gaining on him...... AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy and his Moped, he floors the
gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten
seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari
is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing
the entire rear end. The young man stops and jumps out and unbelievably
the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says,
"Oh My! Are you alright? Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers:
"Yeah, sonny,would be so kind as to
from...your... side-view.......mirror..."

"The Sermon this Mom will never forget.... "Dear Lord," the minister began,
with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
"Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but, at that moment,
my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked
quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?
In school one day the teacher decided in science class she would teach about
materials. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if
you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?"
Little Richie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is
worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie Marie.
Little Susie said "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than
gold and I could buy a Corvette."
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up
and said, "I would want silicone."
The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"
He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should
see all the sports cars outside our house!!"
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest
breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just
see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a
hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her
and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've
got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I
could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and
gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred
bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird
friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the
200 bucks he owes me?"

Playboy Specialty Issues That Never Made It

- Girls With Gingivitis
- The "Women" of The Crying Game
- The Women of Home Depot
- 1960's Playmates Grown Old and Wrinkled
- The Girls of Rehab
- Constantly Angry Women
- Girls You Wouldn't Date if You Were the
Only Man Alive
- The Women of Circus Sideshows
- Drab, Unsexy Lingerie
- Old Women in Parkas
- Playmates Receiving Oscars
(Special April Fool's Issue)
- Invisible Women
- Girls Who Fell and Can't Get Up
- Women of Wal-Mart
- Women Racked With Self Doubt,
Feelings of Abandonment,
PMS and Inner Torment
- Chain Smoking Ladies
- Girls Gone Psycho
- "Does This Look Infected?" feature issue
Thorn comes home from work one afternoon and is stopped by his neighbour,
"It may be none of my business, but this afternoon a strange man came to
your house and your wife let him in. I peeked through the curtains and saw
them making wild, passionate love."
Thorn said," Was he short, about 5'8"?
" Yes,"the neighbor answers, " I believe he was."
" Did he have a droopy eye, and appear drunk?" Thorn asked.

" Yes," the neighbour agrees.
" Then that was the mailman, Jim , " Thorn responds. "He'll screw
On my recent trip to a Butlins holiday camp I was surprised to see a
Fire notice in the chalet which read. "In case of Fire leave your
chalet and arouse the person next door". Now I agree to this arousal
thing in theory but I'd like to make one or two comment's.

It's OK if the person next door is female and good looking I'd really
enjoy trying to arouse her, what if the person next door was a bloke.
I'm a straight guy and no way would you catch me trying to arouse a

What if you don't fancy the girl or woman next door you wouldn't put
your full dexterity into arousing them would you.

What if there's more than one of them, I'm not nineteen anymore and the
thought of me trying to arouse more than one woman at a time is a bit
beyond my libido these days.

What if she didn't fancy a fat married bloke like me she could get a bit
upset as I rummaged through her nightclothes seeking out her erogenous
zones couldn't she.

What if she was already with some guy he might not like the idea of you
bursting in and trying to arouse his bit of pussy, he may even take
offence and knock shit out of you.

What if she was unclean or a bit smelly I wouldn't fancy doing a 69
with that sort would you.

What if she is nice and you get her aroused by playing with her little
man in his boat what are you supposed to do then, I'll tell you the fire
notice goes on to say.

Having aroused the person next door leave the room and assemble by the
outdoor pool.

Now this is the part Butlins have got wrong if they think I'm going to
spend my time arousing a woman just to assemble by the pool with the
other guests I presume in order to go synchronized swimming they can
think again.

Butlin's must realize that in my efforts to arouse the woman I would
become quite aroused myself and to plunge that arousal in to cold water
would be a criminal waste at my time of life.

So, I've come up with a better idea, let's all assemble by the bouncy
castle instead and carry on where we left off, even I could do pretty
good on a bouncy castle I bet. Have a nice Holiday

Did you smell something burning?

Jill, a love-starved spinster, was so desperate that she went to a local
newspaper office and inquired about putting an advertisement in the
'Lonely Hearts' column.
"Well, madam," the assistant said, "we charge a minimum of $1 per
"You don't say," said Jill. "Well then, here's $20 and to hell with the


I went into a liquor store the other day without my ID, and the clerk
asked me, "Are you 21?"
At first I was flattered when he asked for an ID. I told him I had not
brought it because I thought I looked over 21. Then he asked me to
smile, so I grinned at him. He stuck his face over the counter, peered
at me closely, and just handed me the bottle.
I asked, "What were you looking at?"
He said, "Your crow's feet."
I asked, "Why didn't you just ask me to pull up my shirt and show you my
sagging breasts?"

Doug came home unexpectedly early from work only to find his wife lying
in bed naked with large hickies all over her neck and big red bruises
and red welts all over her breasts. She had obviously been ravaged in
sexual passion. Doug then noticed a burning cigar on the nightstand next
to the bed. He screamed at his wife, "What is going on here? Who did
this to you?"
His wife calmly and innocently said, "No one, Doug, Whenever I try to
smoke a cigar, I break out in a rash!"

The Bureau of Meteorology forcasts rainstorms so the bride can expect a
few good inches overnight.

Love is a thousand miles long but comes in six inch instalments.
"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get
to prove it."

Confucious say man who sink into womans arms soon have arms in womans

Sorry I cannot be at Wedding... Please send me a photo of Bride and
Groom Mounted.

Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and
She'll last for many years.

Dont keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to
the woman next door.

Treat him like a flower... grab him by the stalk.

If you don't want the Stork to come, Shoot in the air.

Go for it mate. We all did!

All the best from Mr and Mrs Farkin and all the Farkin kids.

She offered her honour, He honoured her offer, and all night he was on
her and off her.

Don't Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an
Off-Spring next Spring.

Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, One
long hard route.

Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whisky makes you Frisky,
but its a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.

Travel Agency to Bride:
The grooms face leaves at midnight. Be on it.
Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express
an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and
frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the
inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the

Football coach to bride:
If you've tried him in 18 positions and he's still no good, pull him

Treat the Bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.


White Trash Wednesday

I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all

In these serious times it is important for all of us, of all faiths, to recognize these four religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters

The Top 5 Pickup Lines Used by MySpace Pervs

5> "My allowance is WAY bigger than that. I can prove it:
I'll leave a plane ticket for you at Heathrow and me *and my
dad* will pick you up at La Guardia tomorrow."

4> "Your parents are just afraid of the superpowers you'll get
if you click on the Tree of Knowledge link."

3> "I just removed MyPants from my friends list to make room
for you."

2> "Well, *I* happen to like Strawberry Shortcake panties.
Ignore those insults."

and's Number 1 Pickup Line Used by MySpace Pervs...

1> "What's a Special-Victims-Unit-detective-pretending-to-be-
a-13-year-old like you doing with a MySpace page like this?"

Rumination of the Day

Shouldn't Maurice Gibb's voice be mixed out of the song
"Stayin' Alive?" If not
as a sign of respect, then at least for the sake of
historical accuracy?

The Top 5 Signs You've Hired a Bad Nanny

5> Instead of shaking the baby, she just puts it in the blender.

4> Asks for your credit card numbers so she can reach you
in case of an emergency.

3> First offense for back-talk? A ten-minute time-out.
Second offense? Sell 'em to the gypsies.

2> "Just look at me as a Mary Poppins with nuts."

and's Number 1 Sign You've Hired a Bad Nanny...

1> She's supercalifragilisticexpiali-wasted.
Rumination of the Day

We had another round of layoffs at work today, but
I wasn't among them. I don't understand why not,
as I've been wearing
a "Pick me! Pick me!" T-shirt for months.

The Top 5 Pet Peeves of Pets

5> Dingoes: "When you snatch a bony, crunchy baby instead of
a plump, juicy one."

4> Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"

3> Dog: "What the... HEY!!! Where are my balls!!!!"

2> Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! *There's* a new one!"

and's Number 1 Pet Peeve of Pets...

1> Guppy: "Every time that hot Angelfish looks this way, I've
got one of those stringy turds hanging."

The Top 5 Sequels to "Snakes on a Plane"

5> "Pee Wee's Big Snake Adventure": Pee Wee Herman Saves the day
when a spitting cobra rears its ugly head in a theater.

4> "Must Love Snakes": A thinly disguised soft porn flick about
a pizza delivery/escort service/pet store operation run by
handsome gigolos. Ron Jeremy portrays all of the snakes.

3> "Snakes in a Skank on a Plane": Britney Spears stars as a
young woman with a unique plan for smuggling rare reptiles.

2> "Asp Good as It Gets": Cantankerous Jack Nicholson's back,
this time grousing about having to keep an eye on his gay
neighbor's pink serpent -- *and* his pet snake!

and's Number 1 Sequel to "Snakes on a Plane"...

1> "Snails on a Train": There's this train, see, in France....
Rumination of the Day
They say a dog is man's best friend
and diamonds are a girl's best friend.
I guess that would explain the
matching diamond-studded dog
collars we got as a wedding gift.

One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin
sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to
name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said,
"Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the
names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a
peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would always turn
towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter
which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always
faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away,"
suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the
boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when
the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it's time that you learned
how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said
their goodbyes, and set sail for a three-month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship
had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.

Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man
walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My
goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:

"We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked into a
great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than
his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either
of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the
battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was
swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of
been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible, horrible fish!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got

Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk at Sam's or Wal-Mart.

Real teachers will eat anything left in the teacher's lounge.

Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty
meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks have even been
seen grading in church.

Real teachers know that sixth graders get hormones from Santa at

Real teachers cheer when they hear that April 1st does not fall on a
school day.

Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up
the line.

Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the

Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without
turning around.

Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and
elasticity of their bladders.

Real teachers wear glasses from trying to read the fine print in the
teacher's manuals.

Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes 18

Master teachers can eat faster than that.

Real teachers can predict exactly which parents show up at open house.

Real teachers understand the importance of making sure every kid gets a

Real teachers never teach the conjugations of "lie" and "lay" to eighth

There was a shoe salesman sitting in his store when a beautiful woman comes
in. He looks at her and can't stop staring. While helping her try on a pair
of shoes he glances up her skirt to find she isn't wearing any panties.

He started thinking and something slipped out. The man said "I'd like to
fill your pussy with ice cream and lick it all out!"

Hearing this the woman runs out to tell her husband. She says, "Honey, this
shoe salesman said he'd like to fill my pussy up with ice cream and lick it
all out!"

"Now go kick his ass!".

The husband replied "Dear, anyone that can eat that much ice cream, I ain't
fuckin' with!"

George stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole what seemed an
He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his
back swing.
Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What the hell is taking so long?"
"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse balcony," George
explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."
"Good lord," his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's
chance in hell of hitting her from here."

Sam had been extremely nervous while his wife was giving
birth to their first child. When the nurse came to the waiting
room, he said, "Quick, tell me! Am I a mother or a father?!"

At a boat-rental concession, the manager went to the lake's edge and
yelled through his megaphone, "Number 99, come in, please. Your time is
up." Several minutes passed, but the boat didn't return. "Boat number
99," he again hollered, "return to the dock immediately or I'll have to
charge you overtime." "Something is wrong here, boss," his assistant
said. "We only have 75 boats. There is no number 99."
The manager thought for a moment and then raised his megaphone: "Boat
number 66," he yelled. "Are you having trouble out there?"
I was shopping with my wife at a local supermarket and suddenly couldn't
find her. "I've lost my wife!" I muttered slightly louder than was
necessary. Then I heard a strange man's voice from the next aisle: "Some
people have all the luck."
A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some
"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
"To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"
The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising
The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.
He takes the photo and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"


Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Quotes, Odds and Ends

I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show Us your good manners?"
I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner." The teacher fainted.

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
a. female: Any part under a car's hood.
b. male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
a. female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
b. male: Playing football without a jockstrap.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)
a. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with
one's partner.
b. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off
for a weekend with the boys.
4. BUTT (but) n.
a. female: The body part that every item of clothing
manufactured makes "look bigger."
b. male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown,
home run or goal. Also good for mooning.
5. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
a. female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
b. male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with
one's girlfriend.
6. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
a. female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
b. male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
7. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
a. female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
b. male: An endless source of entertainment, self-statement
and male bonding.
8. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
a. female: The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can
b. male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in
9. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
a. female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
b. male: A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 2

A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.
"Why not?" asked the man.
"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor. "But I need it really bad," said the man.
"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.

The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my
ex-wife will be here on Saturday. My wife is coming home on
Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."

The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but
you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see
if there are any side effects."

On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"

The man said, "No one showed up".

Impolite Things to Say at a Wake

* So, what are you gonna do with his golf clubs?

* Who do I talk to about his bar tab?

* Of course you'll miss him, he didn't molest you.

* How long you think until he starts to stink?

* Wow! Other than his wife, is there anyone in this room he
didn't bang?

* Say what you will, Madame Toussot does nice work.

* It's weird not seeing him drunk.

* I always thought he was gay.

* Isn't that suit gonna be a little warm for Hell?

* So now that you're a widow, what do you do? Masturbate?

* I was there when he died. Man, what a baby.

"Happy Birthday to Mick Jagger. He turned 63 today. Mick's secret
to looking good? Always stand next to Keith Richards." ~Jay Leno


"Condoleezza Rice was in Rome and she visited the Vatican and all
the priests were very happy to see her. And everybody kept asking
her 'What's it like to be celibate?'." ~David Letterman


"'The artist formerly known as Prince' is getting divorced. He was
seen removing his belongings from the house formerly known as his."
~Jay Leno
John and Jill decide to take in a movie.
Jill is getting a sentimental feeling while watching a beautiful
love scene in a movie.
John leans over and whispers those three little words that are on
his mind: "Pass the popcorn."
A trainee for the New York Police Department, was asked the
following hypothetical question: "If your beat was a lonely path
in Central Park, and a beautiful young girl rushed up to you and
declared that a strange man had suddenly grabbed her, and hugged
and kissed her, what would you do?"
The police-officer-in-training replied without hesitation,
"I would endeavor to reconstruct the crime."
I don't have an hourglass figure. I have an hour and a half.
I have a little too much time on my ass.
-- Wendy Liebman
I've been trying to get my stool specimen to the lab for weeks now.
I'm going to have to start getting my shit together.
-- Jerry L. Embry from Ruminations
Today I picked up my mother-in-law at the airport.

She's getting a little up there. She's at the age where she
doesn't remember things too well. So when I saw her I said,
"Thanks for coming. Have a nice flight!"
A soldier got married. On the first nighy he found out the wife
had periods.
He telegraphed HQ: Red Alert on front. Extend leave.
Reply from HQ: Attack from back & report.
Mel Kaplan, a high school English teacher in New York, was grading
test essays written by his students.
On one student exam essay Kaplan wrote, "I am giving you a D because
'fuckyou' should be spelled as two words; and 'ass hole', as one
word ".
Hotmail's login page recently invited Sofia Graves to click on an
advertising link: "How to pamper your poo".
"Unsure how I had been neglecting that side of me all these years,"
she reports, "I quickly clicked it - to discover it was all about
the well-being of dogs." Or pooches.
The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation,
but I hear that it's coming quickly.
-- Mel Brooks
The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while
a psychotic thinks that 2+2=5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4,
but it worries him.

The biggest Barbie collection ever sold is up for auction
in London. Built up over 40+ years, the 4,000 dolls
include one of almost every Barbie ever produced.

The Top 5 Uses for 4,000 Barbie Dolls

5> Enough pins for 400 lanes of bimbo bowling!

4> Just in case Lindsay Lohan's case goes to trial, we'll have
a jury pool of her peers ready.

3> Biggest audience ever for the talk show you co-host with your
cat, Mr. Fluffles.

2> "Allah be praised! The 72 virgins are falling from heaven
to us!"

and's Number 1 Use for 4,000 Barbie Dolls...

1> Emergency airdrops to areas where young girls are woefully
confident in their own body shapes.

California Assembly candidate Bill Conrad admitted in May that he
personally wrote the flier proclaiming that his party primary
opponent, Tom Berryhill, "doesn't have the HEART (emphasis
in the original) for State Assembly" because Berryhill had a
heart transplant six years ago and that "the average lifespan
of a heart transplant recipient is seven years." (Berryhill won
easily.) [Modesto Bee, 5-18-06]


Self-described "pro-traditional family" candidate Jim Galley lost a
two-man June congressional primary in San Diego, with no help from
the San Diego Union Tribune's discovery, a week before the voting,
that he had had child-support payments garnisheed from his paycheck
for four years and was once, for a 17-month period, simultaneously
married to two women. [San Diego Union Tribune, 6-2-06, 6-5-06]


(1) Randall Roye, whom New York City government lawyers say entered
the country illegally in the 1990s and assumed the identity of
a dead man, nonetheless tried to sue the city for $20 million
after he allegedly "fell" out of a first-floor window of a school
building. (With his cover blown, he has dropped out of sight,
according to a June New York Post story.)

(2) The U.S. military has attempted to hand back 32 parcels of land
and buildings to the South Korean government after restoring them
to their pre-Korean War condition (except for capital improvements
the U.S. has made, which stay with the buildings). However, South
Korea is refusing 25 of them, according to a June Stars and Stripes
story, until the U.S. provides further upgrades. [New York Post,
6-5-06] [Stars and Stripes, 6-8-06]


Fake Doctor Looks Out For Women's 'Breast' Interests

MIAMI - Why didn't I think of this one? A 76-year-old man tried
to pass himself off as a doctor as he went door-to-door offering
free breast exams. One of the women who actually eli
eved him got
suspicious after he asked her t
o take off her clothes and started
performing an exam without gloves. The white-haired suspect,
Philip Winikoff, was later arrested at another woman's apartment.
Winikoff, who carried a black bag and said he was visiting on
behalf of a local hospital, fondled and sexually assaulted at
least two women, both in their 30s. His real occupation was as a
shuttle driver for an auto dealership.


Monday, August 28, 2006

Musings and Questions

Hello has anyone besides me noticed this horse is dead? It is time to bury the damn thing. I had a thought a while ago. Since the Dems from La. are so scratching for mo money. Their mantra should be give me the money.
Or howze about this. Give N.O. back to the French?
Let them go under the dominace of someone else for awhile.
We kill two birds with one stone. The French everyone seems to be so damn fond of can rebuild N.O. to its former beauty. Showing their excellance at managing civilazation. We save tax dollars and most of the I love France gang can move to N.O.. Ha problem solved.!!!!!


Brian Williams: Back in New Orleans

Storm diaspora changes cities, lives

Now for another observation.
Yes things in Iraq look grim on the news. Every day we are beaten up with bad news. Am I right? Just give me this one.
All the liberal politicians and left wing army in this nation want to scream its this that and a cival war in Iraq. Well if things are that damn bad howze comes everytime ya see a news clip of a terrorist attack there you see the IRAQI PEOPLE TAKING CARE OF THE CARNAGE????? Huh tell me Huh? Why am I seeing these people that are alledged not able to make a deciion and want Saddam the madman back. Are the ones running into the carnage and trying to make a difference. Why does it appear that these people have pride and appear to be wanting to make a difference.?


Sound Off

Its-About-Damn-Time someone take charge of the assylums we call public schools.
HAMMOND, Ind. (AP) - Classrooms were a little less crowded at Morton High School on the first day of classes: 128 students were sent home for wearing the wrong clothes.

Could-Some_one_please shove a coupla corks in his orifices so he will shut the hell up?
EDINBURGH, Scotland (AP) - Former Vice President Al Gore said Sunday ever-tighter political and economic control of the media is a major threat to democracy. PLEASE

Once_Again_With patta-cake. Everyday its someting more dangerous with this man.
heavy-water reactor project on Saturday, saying Tehran would not give up its right to nuclear technology despite Western fears it aims to make atomic bombs.
What Happened to the good old days of whaking nuts and telling God they just died? Oh Yeah Jimmah Carter.

CALL_THIS_Jerk_What he is a racist and bigot. As far as I am concerned he is either the dumbest jackass or the biggest con either way N.O.'s re-elected him and they deserve anything he and his cronies deal them. They can shut the hell up and pick themselves up like the folks in the other Gulf States Do. Over and Over.
Aug 27, 11:29 PM (ET)
(AP) New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin speaks at the opening of the Welcome Home Center in New Orleans,...Full Image
p {margin:12px 0px 0px 0px;}
NEW YORK (AP) - New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin says he's sorry he used the term "hole in the ground" to describe the World Trade Center site.

Yea_Well_Ya_Still_A freakin idiot and you need a coupla corks too.
WASHINGTON - Sen. Joseph Biden (news, bio, voting record) says he can hold his own in a 2008 presidential primary against Democratic contenders from the South, noting that his home state of Delaware was a "slave state."

Your Katrina thoughts More of the get what you freakin deserve. When you are stupid enough to keep on doing the same thing over and expecting different results you are not only stupid you are crazy.
Louisiana Sen. Mary Landrieu answers your questions a year after the storm.

After looking through the headlines. I have once again come to the conclusion that the Republican Party needs a Come to Jesus Meetin'. At every opportunity they fail to communicate the issues of the day. They get their ass stomped in the media and smile then call and ask for a few bucks to put them back into office. My question is why?

The Demon-rats are subversive. There is an agenda within the party. Lord knows, you can't recogonize the democrat party and haven't been able to in years.
But a word of knowledge here folks the Republican party is sliding down the same slippery slope. They are splintering and running from the basic truths that we all know.
They are just funnin' themselves into believing they are still the Grand Ole Party. When you are in the majority then act like it Stand up Loud and Proud !!!! Get your point across unless you really are for the other guy and would much rather allow himself to do it for you. The republicans seem to forget that it was a whole lot of democrats that voted G.W. in office. If he had not of had our votes he would be in office today. Now taking that inot con-sid-er-ation and the fact that a whole lotta democrats have been voting republican for a number of years. Why can't the Republicans get it? Its time to stand and unite..Nuff said

don't forget to comment today.

The Magic Of Madonna...

Noted physicist, Madonna, has been trying to convince the UK
government to use a magical water to clean up radioactive waste
based on research done by somebody at a Kabbalah center in, where
else, California, which was set up by a notable scholar in nuclear
studies, some insurance salesman. The "researcher" at this center
is described as having "a brain the size of a planet," referring
no doubt to one of the gas giants in the outer solar system. Most
likely Uranus.
In describing Madonna's phone call to the government, one official
said, "It was like a crank call ... the scientific mechanisms and
principles were just bollocks, basically."
Madonna says her woo woo isn't being taken seriously because of
bureaucracy. Let's hope other countries, like North Korea, take
this notable research more seriously than Western countries and
incorporate its principles into their nuclear programs.
The Australian 21-Aug-06 and The Manchester Evening News 20-Aug-06

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to
her husband,
"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's pretty near perfect."

An elderly rabbi, having just retired from his duties in the
congregation, finally decides to fulfill his lifelong fantasy to
taste pork.
He goes to a hotel in the Catskills in the off-season (not his
usual one, mind you), enters the empty dining hall and sits down
at a table far in the corner. The waiter arrives, and the rabbi
orders roast suckling pig.
As the rabbi is waiting, struggling with his conscience,
a family from his congregation walks in! They immediately
see the rabbi and, since no one should eat alone, they join
him. Shocked, the rabbi begins to sweat.
At last, the waiter arrives with a huge domed platter. He lifts
the lid to reveal nothing else but roast suckling pig.
"This place is amazing!" cries the rabbi. "You order a baked apple,
and look what you get!"

An Argentinean man has been refused treatment for toothache because
his medical records say he's been dead for more than 20 years.
Rafael Tanzanite, 52, was told by a nurse at the Regional Hospital
that he had died in 1980.
He told a news reporter, "I was so shocked, she even showed me my
death certificate, I thought it was a joke until I saw the document.
Mr. Tanzanite said: "The only good thing is that with all this
confusion my toothache went away, because I am not going to get any
treatment until this mess is sorted and they realize I am alive."
The police are investigating how the mix-up happened.
Two fellows were fishing from a dock when an alligator nipped one
of them on the foot.
The fisherman screamed, 'An alligator just bit off one of my toes.'
'Which one?' his buddy asked.
'How do I know!' the wounded angler friend said in disgust.
'All alligators look alike to me!'

A man was applying for a job as a prison guard. The warden said,
"Now these are real tough guys in here. Do you think you can
handle it?"
"No problem," the applicant replied, "If they don't behave, out
they go!"
A Russian woman is suing weather forecasters for ruining her
out-of-town-trip with incorrect predictions.
Alyona Gabitova told the court that she had been promised
temperatures of 28 degrees and constant sunshine during her weekend
camping trip to a nearby nature park, but instead got wet through
when it did nothing but pour down with rain the entire time.
She added that she had come back from the short trip with a cold and
is now demanding the local weather service refund her travel costs.
The court is yet to make a decision on the woman's claim.
Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public.
So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my
calmest voice, "What's the trouble?"
"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found
a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one
was home. I'll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He
never heard a thing!"
After apologizing, I got her parcel.
"Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!"
"What is it?" I asked.
"My husband's new hearing aid."
Police in Daytona Beach are investigating the burglary of the
police chief's home over the weekend that happened while he was
giving a lecture on crime prevention.
Police Chief Chet Chitwood was speaking to neighborhood watch
members Friday about working with the police department to prevent
burglaries when his home was targeted.
Chitwood returned home to find the place ransacked and his TV,
stereo, laptop, watch and other items missing.
He said the burglar or burglars jimmied open the side door of his
house and broke his patio doors to haul his stuff out.
In June, when Cook County, Ill., elections supervisor David Orr
questioned the ethics of the family of Cook County Board President
John Stroger (whose illness forced him to resign but not until the
family delayed long enough to discourage potential successors,
so that Stroger's son would have a better chance of winning the
vacated post), a Stroger ally called Orr a "little poop butt."
[Chicago Sun-Times, 7-4-06]

While at the dinner table Fisher, 6, informed his mother, father
ans sister, Hunter, that he wants to be on TV and help do the weather
when he grows up. His mother said, "Oh, you want to be a
meteorologist?" With a look of disgust Fisher asked, "A meat eater
ologist??" -- Linda Smith (grandmother of Fisher) of Orland,

Mackenzie, 6, was telling her grandmother about the little bump
on her face. "This is my beauty mark," Mackenzie said. "I have
some, too," her grandmother said. "No," Mackenzie replied, "yours
are wrinkles!" -- Myrle Brown (grandmother of Mackenzie) of Georgia

Almost a Millionaire

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly Father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men........

Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night.
He is on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the
front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in "Honest John's" used
car lot. The car lot is closed, so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy
and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"
"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "we purchased the car this
"Well," says the cop, "why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"
"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady.
"And besides we are waiting. We were told that if we bought a car here
we would get screwed."
The new stewardess was summoned to the office of the
head of the training program for a severe reprimand.

"I heard about that episode on your first flight, Miss
Larson," said the director, glaring over the top of
her glasses.

"From now on, whenever a passenger feels faint, I'll
thank you to push his head down between his OWN legs."

That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
sympathetic pal seated next to him at the bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
she'd been, she said that she had spent the night with her
sister, Shirley."
"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister."
Jon came home in great excitement and said to his wife,
"Judi, my love, you'll never believe it, dear, but I've
discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking."
"Really," she said, interested at once. "What is it?"
"Back to back," Jon replies
"But that's crazy. We can't do anything back to back."
"Yes, we can," he says. "I've persuaded another couple
to help out!"
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let
fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
--P.J. O'Rourke

"When you were a little kid remember how hard it was to get a
cookie? Way in the back, unless your mom was really mean, then
they'd be on top of the refrigerator. Nowhere on a package of
Oreos does it say, 'Keep out of reach of small children.' Where's
the Liquid Drano? Under the sink, right next to the rest of the
poisons." --Mike Bullard

"How do people meet their neighbors out in L.A.? I'm from the south
where we had block parties and cook-outs. In L.A. the only time my
wife and I had a chance to socialize was at a crime scene. It's
so bad, now it's like, 'Honey! Did you hear that? Sounded like
gunfire! Hurry up...put your nice clothes on. There are folks
to meet!'" --Bob Oshack


Sunday, August 27, 2006

Click and Comment Monday (don't forget)

I pledge alligiance to the flag of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands
********-One Nation Under God********
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all

Everyone in the smart night club was amazed by the old
gentleman,obviously pushing seventy, tossing off Manhattans and
cavorting around the dance floor like a twenty year old. Finally,
curiosity got the best of the cigarette girl. "I beg your pardon, sir,"
she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman of your age living it up
like a youngster. Tell me, are all of your faculties unimpaired?" The
old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not all, I'm
afraid," he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a
girlfriend--we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her
place about two A.M. We went to bed immediately and I was asleep almost
as soon as my head hit the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged
my girl. "Why George," she said in surprise, "we did that just fifteen
minutes ago." "So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is
beginning to fail me."
A true story.

My Sister-in-law is the chief EMT in a small town in Southern Indiana.
She was on duty one night when there came a call of a "domestic
disturbance". The custom was that an ambulance was dispatched to
accompany all of these calls received by the police. She arrived just
behind the policeman. When they got out of their vehicles, a woman's
voice could be heard screaming from inside the back of the house.

The policeman broke open the front door, and the screaming intensified.
As they ease their way through the house to the master bedroom the
screaming kept getting louder and louder. When they opened the bedroom
door, the first thing they saw as a naked woman, spread eagle on the bed
and tied hand and foot to the four corners of the bed. The lady saw the
policeman and my sister-in-law, and shut up, and then started babbling.
At this point my sister-in-law was the first to see him.

Laying at the foot of the bed, was a naked man, dressed only in a Batman
cape and head piece. He was unconscious and bleeding from a wound above
his left eye. When he was rolled over, he was recognized as the mayor,
and the lady was not his wife. When it was sorted out, they were
participating in some sex role playing. And, when the mayor got up on
the end of the bed, he had been struck in the head by the ceiling fan,
knock unconscious, the lady though he had been killed, and had started
screaming because she did not want to lay there forever.

The mayor begged, pleaded, and ordered that no one talk. But, a few days
later when he stopped in to a local dinner for breakfast, the customers
began humming the Batman theme.
A fellow called the other day and wanted to know if I'd heard the story
about the mountain farmer who got in his pickup and drove several miles
to a neighbouring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy,
about 12 opened the door. "Is yer pa home?" the farmer asked. "No sir he
ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town." "Well said the farmer, is
yer ma here?" "No, she ain't here either.She went to town with pa." "How
about your brother, Joe, is he here?" "He went with ma and pa."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the
other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?", the boy inquired politely. "I know
where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take
a message fer pa." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "I really
wanted to talk to yer pa. It's about your brother Joe getting my
daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant." The boy considered for a moment. "You
would have to talk to pa about that", he finally conceded. "But if it
helps you any, I know that pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the
boar hog but I really don't know how much he gets for Joe."

At a meeting last week of the Executive Council of an organization to which
I belong, several of the members began a bickering before the start of the
meeting. They were talking and complaining about several of the members not
discussing various information needed by all members and retaining silence
about a variety of important factors. One of the members, a woman, spoke in a
somewhat authoritative voice and said, "I agree with all that has been said
and I think that everyone would be more observant about the needs and interests
of the remainder of the Council Anyone of you can ask me any question and I
will respond telling you the complete truth. One of the men asks her, "What size
bra do you wear?" She glared at him momentarily and in a harshly toned voice
said, "Shut up!!! That's none of your business!! I'll never tell!!"
They integrated from the very point of origin. Her curves were continuous,
and even though he was odd, he was a real number. They both wanted to
get skewed. The day their lines first intersected, they became an
ordered pair. From then on it was a continuous function. They were both
in their prime, so in next to no time they were horizontal and parallel.
She was awed by the magnitude of his perpendicular line, and he was amazed
by her conical projections. "bisect my angle!" she postulated each time
she reached her local maximum. He taught her the chain rule as she
implicitly defined the amplitude of his simple harmonic motion. They
underwent multiple rotations of their axes, until at last they reached the
vertex, the critical point, their finite limit. After that they slept like
logs. Later she found him taking a right-handed limit, that was a
problem, it was improper form. He meanwhile had realized that she was
irrational, not to mention square. They diverged.

She's currently reaching the limit in a relationship that is somewhat
undefined. He is currently unable to afford dating because he cosined
a loan for his son, Ray.

RustyAnne taught her children to not fear thunderstorms and
lightning. When David was 4 and Rebekah was 2 she told them when
they see the flash of light it is God taking their pictures. The
next thunderstorm that came along, there they were, side by side at
the window, and every time the lightning flashed, they would smile
really big, for their "pictures!" -- RustyAnne Yakel of Woonsocket,
Rhode Island

Katherina was really tired from tidying up the apartment. She
asked her 4-year-old son Timothy to go lie down and rest for a while.
He was really rowdy and didn't want to settle down. Then Katherina
went to lie down. About 10 minutes later, he came to Katherina and
said, "Mommy! My tummy is not tired!" -- Katherina Potter of
Palatine, Illnois
Weird Fact of the Day:
Aerosmith's "Dude Looks Like a Lady" was written about Vince Neil of Motley Crue.

An overweight man was waiting in line at a bank. There were two teenage boys in line behind me. They were giggling and making fun of how fat the man was. After five minutes of this the man turned to the boys and asked them politely to stop, as he couldn't help his weight problem. With this the boys asked, "Oh, and why are you so fat Mister?" The Man turned around and replied: "Well, every time I screwed your mother, she gave me a cookie."
You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied, "I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said. "What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know it yet."
The local United Way received nothing from the city's most successful lawyer. Irritated, the administrator phoned him. "We know you do very well, and yet you've not given a dime to this charity." "Do you also know about my mother's exorbitant medical bills?" the lawyer asked. "No I didn't," said the administrator. "Or that my brother is blind and in a wheelchair?" "I-I didn't realize..." "Or that my sister's husband died, leaving her penniless with three children?" "I'm sorry," the solicitor said. "I had no idea!" "Well," said the lawyer, "I don't give money to them. Why should I give you any?"
"Pregnant?" A woman was reading the directions on the side of a box containing a pregnancy test. The clerk was wondering why she was interested in details. After all, either you're pregnant or you're not. What is there to doubt? The clerk went up to her, and said, "Yes, Ma'am. Is there something I can help you with?" The customer looked at the clerk and said, "This is a home pregnancy test. Can you tell me if it will work if I use it at work?"
"Learn to enjoy your own company"You are the one person you can count on living with you "for the rest of your life"--Ann Richards
Weird Fact of the Day:
The CN Tower, in Toronto, is the tallest freestanding structure in the world with a height of about 553 metres.


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This That And Frog Hair2: August 2006
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