The Last Treats Dished Up
The pharmacist filled the prescription and handed the nearly deaf
old man the bottle of pills saying, "That'll be $16.50."
Just then the drugstore phone rang and the pharmacist answered.
As he did, the old man placed 50 cents on the counter and walked out of
store with his prescription. The clerk realized the mistake and
shouted but the old man did not hear and kept walking. When the
finished his call, the clerk explained what had happened. The
pharmacist scooped up the 50 cents and put it in the cash register. He
said to the clerk, "Oh well, 30 cents' profit is better than nothing."
Two elderly gentlemen spend their afternoons sitting on a bench in front
of a barber shop arguing about current affairs, debating political
issues and discussing life in general. Among their favorite arguments
concerns which of the local brands of beer is the best. The one
gentleman has his favorite, while the other gentleman favors a different
After several years of listening to this argument, the barber in front
of whose shop the two gentlemen sit says, "There is a way you can
resolve this dispute once and for all. Why don't you send samples of
each brand of beer off to one of those new-fangled laboratories where
they can test them and determine which is actually the better quality of
The gentlemen find this suggestion appealing, and so they walk across
the street to their favorite saloon and ask the bartender to scrounge up
two jars, fill them with the respective brands of beer, and package them
up for delivery to the laboratory.
After a few months, an envelope arrives at the local post office. Eager
to read the test results, the two gentlemen scurry over to their
favorite bench in front of the barber shop and open the envelope. Inside
is a letter which reads, "Gentlemen -- Thank you for submitting the two
specimens. We are happy to report that both performed very well under
testing. In fact, it is our conclusion that both horses are in the best
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small
boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and
take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is
the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man.
"Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the
spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just
reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you
$30 for it."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By
the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said.
Oh man. I've been transferred to New Jersey," the other guy answered.
"There's crazy people in New Jersey. They have shootings, gangs, race
riots, drugs, the highest crime rate."
"Hold on," Jack interrupted. "I've lived in New Jersey all my life. It is
not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own
business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere
in the world."
The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said,
"Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and
say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Coca-Cola truck in Camden."
A burglar broke into the house of a Quaker in the
middle of the night and started to rob it. The
Quaker heard the noise and went downstairs
with his shotgun.
When he found the burglar he pointed his gun at
him and said gently, "Friend, I mean thee no harm,
but thou standest where I am about to shoot!"
A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with
his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had
sinned. "What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest. "I stole some
lumber, Father," replied the man. "How much lumber did you steal?" asked
the priest. "Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new
doghouse." The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad." The man
continued, "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage." "Well, now,
that's a little more serious." "Father, there's more. In addition to the
doghouse, the 4-car garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!"
With a pause, the priest finally spoke. "That is a little more serious.
I'm afraid you'll have to make a novena." "Father, I'm not sure what a
'novena' is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber!"
A young man was smitten by a very lovely young lady. Unfortunately she
did, not return the feeling. In desperation he went and visited a group
of witches searching for a love potion.
They informed him that they no longer provided such an item. It was
highly unethical to administer a potion to someone without her
They did have an alternate solution. They sold him a bottle of small
white pellets. He was to bury one in her yard every night at midnight
for a month.
He returned to the witches six weeks later excited and thankful.
Wonderful news! He and the young lady were to wed in a month!
One of the witches told him, . . .
"Nothin says lovin' like something from a coven. And pills buried
say it best."
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large,
raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man
prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was
able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once. Seeing
what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please
give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross river."
Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
Q. What is black and white and red all over?
A. A zebra with a sunburn.
Q. What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a Rotweiler?
A. Security for the 3rd floor.
Q. What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A.. Stick with me & we'll go places.
Q. What is black &amp; white, black & white, black & white, & green?
A. Three skunks fighting over a pickle.
Q. What do you get if you cross a stick of dynamite with the white of
A. A boom-meringue.
Strange History You Didn't Get in High School
(the B.C. years)
3050 B.C. -
A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week,
the idea is stolen and duplicated by other
Sumerians, thereby establishing the business
code of ethics.
2900 B.C. -
Egyptians create Sphinx, one of Seven Great
Wonders of the Ancient World, but refuse to talk
1850 B.C. -
Britons announce Operation Stonehenge a
success after arranging slabs in sufficiently
meaningless pattern to confuse scientists for
1785 B.C. -
The first calendar is introduced by Babylonian scientists.
1768 B.C. -
Babylonians experience winter in June.
776 B.C. -
The world's first known money appears in Persia.
World's first known counterfeiter appears in Persia
525 B.C. -
The first Olympics are held in Greece. USSR
enters six footer with a mustache in women's shot put.
410 B.C. -
Rome ends the practice of enslaving debtors,
removing biggest single obstacle to the development
of the credit card.
404 B.C. -
The Peloponnesian war enters 27th year because
neither side can find a treaty writer who can spell Peloponnesian.
214 B.C. -
Tens of thousands of Chinese people complete
1,500 mile long Great Wall. Neighbor's dog gets
1 B.C. -
Calendar manufacturers argue over what to call
the next year.
This guy goes to a Halloween party with a girl on his back.
"What on earth are you?" asks the host.
"I'm a snail," says the guy.
"But... you have a girl on your back," replies the host.
"Yeah, he says, "that's Michelle!"
Q. Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
A. To improve his bite...
Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Q. Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
A. Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy..
Q. What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A. A fur coat that fangs around your neck...
Q. Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
A. No, they eat the fingers separately.. .
Q. Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
A. Because they don't have any body to go out with...
Q. What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?
A. Booberries.. .
Q. What is a vampire's favorite sport?
A. Casketball.. .
Q. What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
A. Fangsgiving. ..
Q. What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?
20 WAYS TO CONFUSE TRICK-OR-TREATERS
1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags
of sand, etc.)
2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the
door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick
or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret"
in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously,
say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and
quickly shut the door.
4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When
trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have
everyone yell, "Surprise!" Act like it's a surprise party.
5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can
figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an
unnatural "whirring" sound.
6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and
don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.
8. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into
the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"
9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked
and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run
around the house, screaming until they go away.
10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you
give them any candy.
11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their
candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone
who comes within 50 yards of your house.
13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing
through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters
for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a
15. Instead of candy, give away coloured eggs. If anyone protests,
explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the
trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten
candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it
again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.
18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.
19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your
porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you
open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters.
Slam the door when you're finished.