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This That And Frog Hair2: January 2007

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Dawn Key Diet

Dawn-Key Diet


A friend of mine, who is a nurse, talked to me about the Atkins Diet, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, & the latest of course, The South Beach Diet.

Since she is a nurse, & has done a lot of study & research on dieting, I truly think she has found the real answer to weight loss:


The Dawn-Key Diet:





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Check out Granny's List


Time to check out my buddies. You should know who they are. I have also been playing in other blog and communities along with my kids. Man there isn't enough time to do it all. However I would appreciate it if you would give the kids on my today's list a shout.
















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My Fine Is

The Following I uh boosted from JuneBugg As you can see I have not changed the intro cuz its well she is my secret twin from another universe we do think a lot a like at times.


I "lifted" this from the Grumpy Old Bitches blog (don't know what the fine is for bloglifting!). I thought it was just too cute to pass up! Plus it'll be interesting to see how our "fines" compare to each others.........

Below is a list of *ahem* activities, each awarded a penalty in dollars. You don't have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine.

Smoked pot -- $10
Did acid -- $5
Ever had sex at church-- $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you -- $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace -- $25
Had sex for money -- $100
Vandalized something -- $20
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
Beat up someone -- $20
Been jumped -- $10
Crossed dressed -- $10
Given money to stripper -- $25
Been in love with a stripper -- $20
Kissed some one who's name you didn't know -- $0.10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work -- $15
Ever drive drunk -- $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50
Used toys while having sex -- $30
Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20
Went skinny dipping -- $5
Had sex in a pool -- $20
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20
Cheated on your significant other -- $10
Masturbated -- $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend -- $20
Done oral -- $5
Got oral -- $5
Done / got oral in a car while it was moving -- $25
Stole something -- $10
Had sex with someone in jail -- $25
Made a nasty home video -- $15
Had a threesome -- $50
Had sex in the wild -- $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars -- $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50
Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25
Went streaking -- $5
Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15
Been arrested -- $5
Spent time in jail -- $15
Peed in the pool -- $0.50
Played spin the bottle -- $5
Done something you regret -- $20
Had sex with your best friend -- $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work -- $25
Had anal sex -- $80
Lied to your mate -- $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $25

My fine is: $360 Dang I wasn't as wild as everyone said I was.

How much is your fine? I tag all of you, of course. Answer in the comment section and no cheating!

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ODDS N ENDS



Really Slick Screen Savers by Terry Welsh (mogumbo).

Even if you don't use a screen saver, you might want to download a few of these impressive *.scr files for Windows. No need to install them. Just double-click the file and watch the show. The one called Skyrocket even has sound.




The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T MEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know....it never happened)
( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

And the personal favourite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face
and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart.


The only automated face reader in the world: Face Analyzer.


Instructions:
1) Take a clear front shot of your face with even indoor lighting.
2) Click the Browse button and select your picture.
3) Press Submit.

Have not tried this yet...if anyone does let me know how accurate it is!!!

A good one for the kids: Bembo's Zoo. .
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White Trash (I bet you thought I forgot)



The mayor of San Antonio was very worried about a plague of
pigeons in San Antonio. The mayor could not remove the pigeons
from the city. All of San Antonio was full of pigeon poop. The
people of San Antonio couldn't walk on the sidewalks or drive on
the roads. It was costing a fortune to try to keep the streets and
sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.
"I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost
to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions.
Or, you can pay me one million dollars and ask one question."

The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free
proposition. The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall,
opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon
circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Texas sky.

All the pigeons in San Antonio saw the blue pigeon. They gathered
up behind the blue pigeon. The San Antonio pigeons followed the
blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city. The next day the
blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall.
The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man and the blue
pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid San Antonio
of the plague of pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the
mayor presented him with a check for one million dollars and told
the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though
they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons,
he decided to pay the one million just to get to ask ONE question.
The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his question.
The mayor asked:

"Do you have a blue Mexican?"


Billy Joe and Billy Ray went to the big city to get jobs.
They had been friends since they were kids, so they decided to apply at
the same firm.

They had finished filling out the applications and were waiting to see
the owner. Billy Ray was called in first.

The owner was a stout man, with a weathered face and a scar above his
right eye. He also had the distinguishing feature of having no ears,
just two tiny holes in the sides of his head.

The man ordered Billy Ray to sit down. He leaned across the desk and
moved his cigar to the corner of his mouth. He growled at Billy Ray,

"This is a tough business. You have to be on your toes, keen, and
observant. Look around the room and tell me what you notice!"

Billy Ray looked at the polished glass, chrome furniture, and large bar.
He looked at the owner and said,

"You ain't got no ears!"

The owner jumped out of his chair, grabbed Billy Ray by the neck and
threw him out of his office.

Billy Joe saw Billy Ray come flying out the door and went over to help
his friend up.

"What happened?"

Billy Joe told him, "What ever you do - don't talk about his ears!"

Just then, the intercom buzzed and the secretary told Billy Joe he could
go in.

Once again the owner ordered Billy Joe to sit down. He
leaned across the desk and moved his cigar to the corner of his mouth.
He growled at Billy Joe, just as he did with Billy Ray,

"This is a tough business. You have to be on your toes, keen, and
observant. Look around the room and tell me what you notice!"

Billy Joe looked at the polished glass, chrome furniture, and large bar.
He looked at the owner and said,

"You wear contacts!"

The owner stood up in amazement. "That's awesome
perception! How could you tell that from way over there?"

"It's obvious," said Billy Joe. "You can't wear glasses. . . .

because you ain't got no ears!"
************
I'm Joe Friday, private eye. I work on Tuesday, Tuesday's my secretary. Yesterday I was working in my New York office when there was a knock at the door, scared me half out of my secretary. Then a tall blonde walked by, I knew she was tall 'cause we were on the 7th floor. The phone rang. It was a client. I knew something was wrong because she told me there was.I raced down the stairs, called a taxi, the taxi stopped with a jerk, the jerk got out and I got in. We took the corner at 80 miles an hour. A cop stopped us and told us to put it back. Then we were driving on the sidewalk because there was a sign that said "keep deaths off the roads."We were getting further out of the city. I knew this because we weren't hitting so many pedestrians.When I got to my client's house she greeted me with a burning kiss. Then she took her cigarette out and kissed me again.There was a man on the floor. He had bullet wounds to the head and stab wounds to the heart. He was dead so we went for a drive in the country. Then a brick came through the window, hit her on the left tit and broke four of my fingers. We got a flat tire. She pumped and I pumped, she pumped and I pumped. Then we got out and fixed the tire.When we got back to my clients house she invited me in for a root beer. The root was nice but the beer was flat.I was giving her a goodnight kiss but she closed her legs and broke my glasses.


WHY AM I MARRIED?

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable
or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."


A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."


When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.


A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished


A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."


A young son asked,
"Is it true dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.


If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

"A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death "



Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it. Caution... They Walk Among Us!
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....! "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said..."where???" They Walk among us!!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." They Walk Among Us!!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" .. They Walk Among Us!!!
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". They Walk Among Us!!!!
I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half pound sirloin. She informed me they only had an 8 ounce sirloin. Not wanting to make a scene, I told her I would take the 8 ounce steak instead of the half-pounder. They walk among us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk... They Walk Among Us!!!!!
My friends and I were on a Pepsi run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.... They Walk Among Us!!!!!!
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned... They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "Has your plane arrived yet?"... They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces. " Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!! Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce!!!!
************
Jack came home in great excitement and said to his wife, "Jill, love, you'll never believe it, dear, but I've discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking." "Really," she said , interested at once. "What is it?" "Back to back," Jack replies "But that's crazy. We can't do anything back to back." "Yes we can," he says. "I've persuaded another couple to help out!"
************
2. It was a terrible night, blowing cold and snow in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet, freezing, and bedraggled. As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two poppy seed bagels to go, please?" The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?" "That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Sherry." "Sherry is your wife?" asked the baker. "What do you think," snapped the little man, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"
************
There was a very wealthy 70 year-old man who had just married a beautiful 25-year-old young lady. One of his long time friends said to him, "How did you get that gorgeous woman to marry a 70 year-old guy like you?" The man leaned over and said to his friend, "It was easy. I simply told her that I was 90 and had heart problems."


GREAT STORY!!!!! ....and with a moral at the end

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a
belly button; in its place was a golden screw. All the
doctors told his mother that there was nothing they
could do.

The boy never understood why it was there, but like
it or not, he was stuck with it. All the years of growing
up were real tough on him, because all who saw the
screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his
house and thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told
him of a Swami in Tibet who could get rid of the screw
for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his
life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal .

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came
upon a giant Monastery. The Swami knew exactly why
he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower
of the Monastery and the following day, when he awoke,
the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.
During the night, while he slept, a purple haze floated in
an open window bearing, in its mist, a golden screwdriver.
In just a few moments, the screw-driver removed the
screw and then disappeared out of the window.

The next morning, when the boy awoke, he saw the golden
screw lying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he
felt his navel, and found that there was no screw there!
Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, and his butt fell off.

The moral of this story is: Don't screw around with things
you don't understand - you could lose your ass

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Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Censored or What



Lance wrote this
THIS Islamofascist_Muslim_Group_Protest ABC'Hiring of Glenn Beck.

This apparently got some pissed off folks bitching to Google so they are trying to shut him up.
Check it out: http://the-muslim-question.blogspot.com/
Interesting if it is not an opinion that sucks up to terrorist and bleedin' hearts of the DEMONRAT regime someone wants to shut you up.
Its a sorry day when freedom of speech is challenged by non American groups with a far different agenda than the average American citizen.

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Getting Old

Getting old is so hard at times.



Getting old is so hard at times.


Yesterday I got Preparation 'H' mixed up with Poli-Grip.
NOW , I talk like an asshole .

...but my gums don't itch

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Monday, January 29, 2007

Its Monday Again


Valentine

He loved her very much. He wanted this Valentine's day to be
special, So he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported from
France and it had arrived in time for the occasion.
On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned to
have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones. But to his
dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and had only
a few sterns of feathery ferns left for decoration.
In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer. He asked the florist to
make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers and what she
produced was magnificent well beyond his expectations. He added a card,
and proceeded home.
When he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown, and
it was apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing a romantic
candlelight dinner for the two of them. He presented her with his gift,
and she opened the card to read, ...
"Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder." ...
With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly,
"Yes, and ... with fronds like these, who needs anemones."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Everything's Bigger In Texas

A wealthy Texas oil magnate goes to Australia to sign a deal to share
pumps in the Mid-East with an Australian company.
He is picked up by an Aussie limo driver and instantly begins to
complain.
"That plane was way too small. We have them much larger in Texas. I
could barely move my legs."
The limo driver agrees and begins to put his bags in the limousine.
The Texan asks him. "What's that?"
The driver looks puzzled and says, "This is a limo that was sent for
you."
The Texan says, "Pretty puny ain't it? Texas has real limos, my five
year old has bigger cars than that in his toy box."
The limo driver is irritated but decides to hold his tongue as this man
was very important to his bosses.
As they drive it keeps coming.
"These roads are far too small, I have dental floss wider. In Texas, it
will take you three days and an afternoon to get across one."
"Those cattle are puny, wouldn't even make good beef jerky. You should
see the longhorns in Texas."
"Is that an office building or did someone turn a cardboard box upside
down and put a trademark on it? In Texas, we have skyscrapers that would
put all these stacked on top of one another to shame."
The driver was very upset by this time and was just about let him have
it when a kangaroo jumped across in front of the car, causing the driver
to hit the brakes quickly.
The Texan was badly shaken and being somewhat uneducated in the case of
fauna, asked "What was that?"
The Aussie shrugged and said, "Damn grasshoppers. "
************
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th
wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a
tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being
such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other
for all this time, I will grant you each a wish. "
"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said
the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra -Two
tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well
this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs
once in a lifetime. So I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife
who is 30 years younger than me".
The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a
wish... So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -
abracadabra! - The husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story..... Men might be ungrateful idiots.... But
fairies are......female.



The day after a man lost his wife in a freak scuba diving accident, he
was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr Wilkins, but we have some
information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
One of the policemen says, "We have some bad news, some good news, and
some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr Wilkins says, "Go Ahead. Give me the bad news
first."
The policeman says, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we
found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh, my gosh!" says Mr Wilkins, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering
what the policeman had said, he asked, "So, what's the good news?"
"Well," the policeman says, "when we pulled her up she had two
five-pound lobsters and a dozen good-size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news, then what's the great news?" Mr Wilkins
demanded.
The policeman replies. . .
"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!"
************
A young woman has just given birth to her son, but the Doctor won't let her
see him.
"I'm afraid", says the Doctor, "that he's a litle disabled..."
But the woman, her mind filling with love for her new son, demands to see
him. Sure enough, the Doctor shows her her baby - a handsome, healthy
boy - but - just a head. He has no body....
"I know he's lacking in some limbs," , says the Doctor, " (like all four),
but he is a minor miracle - he is in perfect health..."
So, the woman and her husband take him home, call him 'Eddie', and set about
building a normal, healthy family life.

Ediie's first, second, third and fourth birthdays come and go without a
hitch.
Then comes his fifth. His mother is looking for him to come and open his
birthday present.
"Where's Eddie?", she asks her husband.
"Oh, he's having a roll in the garden".
She goes into the garden, and shouts "Eddie, Eddie!"
"What Mum?"
"It's your birthday, Eddie"
"I know Mum"
"Don't you want to come and open your present?"
"Oh fuck off. It'll only be another hat."


A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race
on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their
peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a
mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to
investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.
A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate
and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had
8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8
people steering and 1 person rowing.
So American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large
amount of money for a second opinion. They
advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough
people were rowing.
To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management
structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area
steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering
manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1
person rowing the boat greater incentive to
work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program", with
meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower.
There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment,
extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American
management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development
of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments
for new equipment.
The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and
the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.


Some of you may be wondering what ever happened to some famous cartoon
characters after they made their big splash. Well, I caught up with a few of
them, and these are some of the results:
The Grinch
Changed his name to Gingrich and became Speaker of the House.
Frosty the Snowman (my personal favorite)
Became Frosty the Snowwoman after he had his snowballs removed.
Captain Crunch
Was demoted to Sargeant Crunch due to a decline in sales.
Charlie Brown
Was fired as a spokesman for Rogaine after he discovered the stuff didn't
work for him.
Snow White
Fired by the head of DisneyWorld after she said she was feeling Bashful.

************
Dictionary Of Dating
ATTRACTION the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT1st SIGHT what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely
choosy people meet.

DATING the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy
to
get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the
present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special
pills, inserting a diaphram, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man
that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman
have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to
the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located
in her chest.

FRIEND a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw
which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted to by
the
man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the
talking.

IRRITATING HABIT what the endearing little qualities that initially attract
two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY how attractive a given person appears to be is directly
proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than
he does.

SOBER condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love




Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed
a new robe.

After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein,
the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have
Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him.
A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and
it was a perfect fit!

He asked how much He owed. Finkelstein brushed him off: "No,
no,no, for the Son of God ? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a
small favor? Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention
that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor ? "

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, and extolled the virtues
of his Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.

A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through
Jerusalem , He happened to walk past Finkelstein' s shop and noted a huge
line of people waiting for Finkelstein' s robes.

He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as
soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what
you've done for my business ! Would you consider a partnership ? "

"Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."

"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus. After
all, I am the craftsman." The two of them debated this for some time.

Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately
fruitful and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.

A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein' s
shop.

Can you guess what it read ?


Are you sure you want to know ?


Here it comes...

Don't say you weren't warned......





Lord & Taylor

OH, DON'T WHINE & MOAN! You know you're going to pass it on.












All from BLUE COLLAR TV:

Things you don't want to hear from another person the first time s/he
sees you naked:

Just how MANY times were you circumsized?

If that thing moves, I swear, I'm gonna shoot it!

On second thought, I think I WILL have that drink.

I'm no expert, but shouldn't there be only two of those?

I don't believe I've ever seen a pair of those that long!

Wow! Smoking really DOES stunt your growth, doesn't it?

Isn't that supposed to be on the other side?

That reminds me! Who's up for shrimp?

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Carnation Milk.

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.
The company wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...."

She though to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms ... I can do this!

She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house. A man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $2,000, even though we will not be able to use it..."




Here is her entry:

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Overload Monday


Helper Bee
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window. The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"? "I'm out of gas!" The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. "Try it now," said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my gas tank"? The bee answered, "BP."
************
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."


The Pasta Diet and Your Health

ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!
1.. You walka pasta da bakery.
2.. You walka pasta da candy store.
3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.
You will lose weight!
AND....
CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


Little Red ~

Little Red Riding Hood is on her way to Grandma's house with a
basket of goodies. Just after she enters the woods, the owl
stops her and says,
"Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, STOP! The
wolf is at Grandma's house and he's going to rip open your
blouse and squeeze your tits!"
Little Red Riding Hood smiled and replied, "Don't worry, I have
a gun. I'll be fine."
A little while later, the deer stops her and says, "Little Red
Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, STOP! The wolf is at
Grandma's house and he's going to rip open your blouse and
squeeze your tits!"
Her reply was the same. "Don't worry, I have a gun. I'll be
fine."
Well, this scene is repeated with the skunk and the rabbit and
each time, Little Red Riding Hood's reply is the same.
Finally, she gets to the Grandma's house. She knocks on the
door, the wolf throws it open and exclaims, "Aha! Little Red
Riding Hood, you didn't heed the warnings, and now I'm going to
rip open your blouse and squeeze your tits!"
Little Red Riding Hood responds "No you're not you son of a
bitch! You're gonna eat me like it says in the story!"

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Pharmaceutical researchers in England
have formulated a new birth control pill
Which also eliminates that dreaded PMS.
Funding was made possible by...

EVERY GUY ON THE PLANET .... !!!



A man says to his wife, "I fancy some kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?"
The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!"
To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my love wads in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still fucking talking aren't you!"

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Brian, (who for the sake of this joke will be a 'blond') was a business
graduate, and had been out of school for several years. He had
established a furniture store and was doing quite well. He decided to
expand the lines he carried by adding some expensive French furniture he
knew no one else in town carried. He scheduled a buying trip to France.
Brian's first day in Paris was very successful and he found a number of
pieces he thought he could profitably sell back home. After the
arrangements were made to begin shipping this furniture home, he decided
to celebrate with a glass of wine in a small sidewalk cafe. The place
was jammed, but he managed to find an empty table.
Just about the time his wine arrived, a beautiful girl came by and
motioned to the empty chair at his table with a questioning look on her
face. He assumed she wanted to sit with him and nodded his head "yes."
The girl sat down with him.
The girl tried to talk to him, but, alas, he understood not one word of
French. He tried to talk to her, but, alas, she understood not one word
of English. He finally had an idea! He took a napkin and drew a wine
glass and a question mark. She nodded her head "yes."
They sat quietly enjoying their wine. When it was just about finished,
Brian realized it was nearly time for dinner. He took another napkin and
drew a picture of two people at a table eating dinner. She nodded her
head "yes" and took him by the hand. She led him down the street to a
very nice restaurant.
They went in. The girl spoke with the head waiter and they were seated
in a quiet corner where they could hear the band playing and see the
dance floor. Brian could not read the menu since it was in French, so he
allowed the girl to order for him.
The food was excellent and the couple thoroughly enjoyed it. After
dinner, Brian took a napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She
nodded her head "yes" and they danced to every song the band played,
whether fast or slow. When the band quit playing and began to pack away
their instruments, the couple returned to their table.
The girl took a napkin and reached for Brian's pen. He handed it to her
and she drew a picture of a four poster bed.
Brian is still wondering to this day. . . . . . .
how she ever knew he was in the furniture business!
A panda walks into a diner, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats
the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots out the restaurant's windows.
As the panda stands up to go, the owner shouts,
"Hey! Where do you think you're going? You just shot my windows out and
you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the owner,
"Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The owner gets out a dictionary, looks it up, and sees the following
definition for "panda". . . . . .
"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin. Eats shoots and leaves."

************
A blonde goes into the library and says,
"I'd like a cheeseburger, fires, and a coke."
The librarian informs her that she's in a library.
So the blonde leans across the counter and whispers to the librarian. . .
"I'd like a cheeseburger, fries, and a coke."

************
"May I speak to the butcher?"
"Sorry, he's in a meating."
"May I speak to the Invisible Man?"
"Sorry, I haven't seen him around."
"May I speak to the person in charge of gift wrap?"
"Sorry, she's all tied up."
"Hello, do you sell ladders?"
"Sorry you have the rung number."
************

Two tortoises were walking down the road when the first one was struck
on the head by a falling coconut. His friend, fearful that the turtle
had lost his memory, rushed his companion to the hospital.
The next day, the friend came to consult with the doctor about his
turtle friend.
"How's his memory, doc?" inquired the friend.
"Oh, he's cured," replied the doctor proudly. "In fact, I'm happy to
report that.....
he has turtle recall."





According to a survey from Scott paper co.

* You can gauge a person's education by whether they
read in the bathroom.
* More than 2/3 of the people with a master's degree and
doctorates read in the stall.
* Only one in two high school grads read while in the
bathroom, and 56 percent of those with college degrees do.
* Fifty-four percent of Americans fold their toilet tissue
neatly while 35 percent wad it into a ball before using it.
* Seven percent steal rolls of toilet paper (hotels/motels)
* More than sixty percent prefer that their toilet paper roll over
the top, twenty-nine percent from the bottom. The rest don't care.
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Sunday, January 28, 2007

Would You Survive

Borrowed from Bornagain Redneck, I got about the results I expected. I could survive in the wild. NOT a large city.
I have to much country in me to live in a large city. I don't care for the city ways. Or perhaps it was just the odd bad luck the times I have been to large cities. Never really met a friendly sort in the larger cities. I have horror tales about the big cities I have been to. But thats another blog

Would you survive in the wild?
Your Result: Yesiree!....

You could live in the wild if you wanted to! You know what to eat, do, and stay away from! You could get shelter, food, water fast and easy-and the right treatments to injuries, snake bites etc...You know the outdoors like the back of your hand!!

Most likely you'll survive....
Not to sure...
Wouldn't last 2 minutes!.....
Maybe........
Would you survive in the wild?
Quizzes for MySpace
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Sunday Giggles



An extraordinary event was witnessed at a Memphis branch Union
Planters bank today. Heather Williams of Germantown pulled up to
the drive-thru ATM, put her card in, withdrew cash and then her
card, and pulled away in mind-boggling two minutes and 48
seconds. Ms. Williams set a new world record for "Female Drive-
Thru ATM Withdrawal."
ATM Officials were giddy at the site of this remarkable woman.
"Oh, man, I knew there was something special right when she
pulled up!" Bank Manager Brian Sontag gushed. "She nailed
positioning her car right in front of the ATM! She didn't go too
far forward, then have to put her car in reverse, then ease back
up a little bit, then back completely out because she was too far
from the machine. Unbelievable! "
As the record breaking ATM withdrawal was taking place, Sontag
marveled at how Williams defied the dictates of style. "I was
breathless when she got the car positioned right and would have
been able to pass that story along to my grand- children. But I
almost passed out when she had her ATM card *ready* to insert!
There was no digging through her purse! No fumbling with that
little white envelope that women store the card between uses. She
had it ready -- and get this -- she didn't have to check her
address book for her PIN number!!!"
Sontag shook his head, amazed. "Williams also didn't read every
screen of the ATM window. She didn't get on her cell phone and
ask guidance from her best friend on the best denominations to
withdraw!"
Sontag continued. "While the ATM was processing her request,"
Sontag sits, obviously overcome with disbelief, "Ms. Williams
didn't start touching up her makeup! There was no adjusting of
the rear view mirror, no fumbling through her purse for some
lipstick. This had an enormous effect on her record breaking run
since she didn't have to put all of that crap away when the money
came out!"
When the money popped out of the ATM, Sontag reports, Williams
was ready. "As I said, she wasn't putting on her makeup. She was
studying the machine and when that money came out, she removed
it. Pressed the button to let it know she didn't want any other
transactions -- and, because she never took her car out of
'drive', she didn't put the car in *reverse* and back up over the
guy behind her!"
Union Planters had a camera on the entire transaction and plans
to turning the film into a training video for the ATM-challenged.
************
Saudi Arabia's Prince Saud called Wednesday for a quick end to the
American occupation of Iraq. He's not the only one on edge. Every Arab
ruler is smearing lamb's blood on their palace door next week hoping
that George W. Bush will pass over them.

************
A congregant asked his Rabbi, "Rabbi, you're a man of God. So why is it
that you are always talking business when I, a businessman, am always
talking about spiritual matters when I'm not at work?" "You have
discovered one of the principles of human nature," the Rabbi replied.
"And what principle is that, Rabbi?" "People like to discuss things they
know nothing about."




What your grandmother told you
If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
If you don't eat, it will kill me.
Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
Always whisper the names of diseases.
Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
Wine needs to breathe so don't rush through the kiddish.
Never pay retail.
No one leaves a simcha hungry; but then no one leaves
with a hangover.
And what's so wrong with dry turkey?
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
A shmatta is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
************
Did you know that Moses had to make a third trip up to the top of Mount
Sinai? Well, on this third trip, Moses arrived at the burning bush after
much climbing, removed his sandals, kneeled and prayed to God. "Oh
mighty God, King of the Universe, your people have sent me back here to
ask you a question about the Ten Commandments. " "What question do they
have for me?" roared the voice of God. "They want to know whether the
commandments are listed according to priority."

************
Morty arrives home from work and as soon as he sets foot in the house,
Sadie is on to him, telling him that their friend Marvin has finally
quit smoking. "Imagine that, Morty," she says, "someone who smoked 3
packs a day for 20 years has stopped smoking all of a sudden. Now that's
what I call will power - something that you definitely don't have." But
Sadie hadn't finished. "And that's not all. I hear that Bernie, that
drunken friend of yours, is finally giving up drinking - another example
of the kind of will power that you don't have." "OK, Sadie," said Morty,
"you want to see will power, do you? Well here's will power. I am going
to sleep in the spare room from now on. I am going to prove to you that
I won't be affected at all by not sleeping with a woman." Morty keeps to
his word. One night, when he had been sleeping alone for a week, there
is a knock on his bedroom door. Morty shouts out, "What do you want?"
Sadie replies, "Marvin has started smoking again."
************
Monsters

A guy was driving down a road and he ran out of gas. He went to the
nearest house to ask for help. As soon as the owner opened the door, it
started to pour, so the guy asked to stay overnight. The owner said,
"OK, but if you see a monster in the garage, whatever you do, don't
touch it." The man went up to the guestroom, but he was too curious. He
went down to the garage and saw the huge ugly monster. He decided to see
what it would do if he threw a rock at it or made faces. He did both but
nothing happened.
So the man went and touched the monster. Up the monster jumped and
chased the man all over the country. When the man got to a cliff, he
thought he was going to die, so he rolled up in a tiny ball.
When the monster arrived, he touched the man and said, "You're it!"


Valentine

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that
they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's
Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get
mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would
get mad.? Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden,"she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I think that if Osama thought a little American
Jewish girl could have enough love to give him a valentine, he might
start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving
people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent
valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going
all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he
didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound
pride.
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know,"Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the
Marines could shoot that sorry dog."



Tax ~

Here is one person's answer to Tax Frustration. It is supposedly a real
letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of 1995's weird and bizarre
denial of dependents, exemptions and credits. The letter speaks for
itself.
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I
have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They
are evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors and
no longer my responsibility, the government should know something about
them and what to expect over the next year. Please do not try to
reassign them back to me next year and reinstate the deductions. They
are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest
you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's
questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has
not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes
should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's
wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense.
While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't
run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some
Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to
drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she
possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I
have felt it best to teach her the virtues of abstinence, or in the face
of overwhelming passion and ignoring us, safe sex. This is always
uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the
future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a
rather good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax
examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February,
I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was
bringing Pat home. He and his friends were toilet papering houses. In
the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to
Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is
purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to
deal with it. You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few
days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I'll
take care of filing your phone number with the vice- principal. Oh yes,
he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of
testosterone, and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your
home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls,
explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (They
find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out
the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by
magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She
came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads,
sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately, you will be
raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading
courses. "Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the school has dropped it.
But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount
of the deduction that you are denying me! It's quite obvious that we
were terrible parents (ask the other two). She cannot speak English.
Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out
of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/ yuppie/political double speak.
The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's.
It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats
backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more
times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am
sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she
sort of "nests" in her room, and I think that it would be easier to move
the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get
to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest
two; I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am
free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling
before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I
won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy.
Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have
already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in
additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.
Yours truly,
Name withheld to protect the sane.

(Allegedly, the IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.)


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Saturday, January 27, 2007

Saturday Nite Laughes


I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes
Because I know I'm not dumb ...
And I also know that I'm not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women,
But you hardly ever see a smart woman with
A dumb guy.
-Erica Jong-

My husband and I are either going to buy a
Dog or have a child. We can't decide to
Ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
-Rita Rudner-

I've been on so many blind dates,
I should get a free dog.
-Wendy Liebman-

Never lend your car to anyone to
Whom you have given birth.
-Erma Bombeck-

If high heels were so wonderful,
Men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til
Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-

I think, therefore I'm single.
-Lizz Winstead-

When women are depressed they either eat
Or go shopping. Men invade another country.
-Elayne Boosler-

Behind every successful man is
a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-

I base most of my fashion taste on
What doesn't itch.
-Gilda Radner-

In politics, if you want anything said,
Ask a man;
If you want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on
How to combine marriage (or parenthood)
And a career.
-Gloria Steinhem-

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
- Gloria Steinhem-

I never married because there was no need.
I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband.
I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
-Marie Corelli-

Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
-Baroness Edith Summerskill-

If men can run the world, why can't they stop
Wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start
The day by tying a little noose around your neck?
-Linda Ellerbee-

I am a marvelous housekeeper.
Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-


Redneck Pick-up lines
1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away.
2) Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.
3) My Love for you is like diarrhea ... I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.
6) If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.
7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty Is only a light switch away.
8) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.
9) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
10) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
11) If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
************
Maxine took her car to her mechanic. She told him "Every time I take any of my friends out in my car, after a while there is this terrible smell !! . It never happens when I am on my own"
This quite intrigued the mechanic so he said, "OK, lets go for a spin and see what the problem is". Off they went. She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 70 MPH, swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians in pedestrian crossings, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic duty. They returned to the shop and she said, "There it is now, there's that terrible smell. Can you smell it?"

"Smell it? Lady, I'm sittin' in it !!

*********
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk."
As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop. I forgot to bring birth control!"
"No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."
After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her. I always knew she didn't trust me!"

*********
At one local church, Jack was in charge of taking up the offerings. One Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found it was smaller than anticipated. So he questioned Jack. He told him that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation.
Jack said that he did not take any of the offering. The priest again questioned him and again he said that he did not take any of the offering.
So the priest said "get in the confessional" which Jack did.
Then the priest asked him did you take any of the offering and this time he said "I can't hear you".
Again the priest asked "Jack did you take any of the offering?" Again Jack answered "I can't hear you".
This time the priest yelled, "JACK DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING"
Again Jack answered "I can't hear you".
By this time the priest was getting a little angry so he came out of the confessional and said, "Jack trade places with me and you can ask me a question."
So they traded places and Jack asked, "I hear that you and my wife are having an affair, is that true?"
To which the priest answered,
"By Golly you can't hear in here."


Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside
the local town hall where a flower show was in
progress. One leaned over and said, "Life is so boring.
We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my
clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely
naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion
inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst
out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and
really good with the kids."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living w ith for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact
words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long
it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute.."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter- word the doctor used in
surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a
display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an
all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."




Some Really Bad Puns (Don't shoot the messenger)

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything.

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing the ir recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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What Tarot Card Are You


You are The Devil


Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession


The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.


Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.


What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

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Friday, January 26, 2007

Odds N Ends


Teddy the red-nosed senator
Had a very shiny car
And if you ever saw it
You were probably at a bar.
All of the other senators
Wondered how he got his dames
They thought he drank too many
To play in any bedroom games.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say:
"Teddy with your nose so red,
Won't you help me guide my sled?"
That's how the police found them
Wrapped around a maple tree
Teddy the red-nosed senator
He's a drunken S.O.B.


A Cowboy's Guide to Life

1. Don't squat with your spurs on.
2. Don't interfere with something that ain't bothering you none.
3. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
4. Always drink upstream from the herd.
5. Telling a man to git and making him do it are two entirely different propositions
6. When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
7. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still back there.
8. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
9. If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.
10. And never, ever, miss a good opportunity to shut up.
************
A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, "Excuse me Miss, day ye harv eni books on suicide?" To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says, "Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"
************
One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the
unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they
didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist
there. He reluctantly took him along to help. A couple of weeks later,
the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help
again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked
for the gynecologist again. The clerk asked, "Why do you want a
gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right
now?"
He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at
the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if
that
gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the
whole house!!"


Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came
up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said
two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought
he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll
just have a vasectomy."
Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love
the third one as if it's your own."

************
It was Friday evening and having just been paid, Seamus and Murphy were trying to decide where to go that night.
"I know" said Murphy, "There's a great club in town we ought to try"
"What's it like?" asked Seamus.
"Well, you go into the club, up to the bar where they give you a free drink. Then you go upstairs for a shag. Then you go back to the bar and have another free drink.
After twenty minutes you go upstairs for another shag. After this you go to the bar again and have another free drink and then go upstairs again and have another shag! After this you go downstairs,
have a final drink and leave. On the way out they give you a hundred quid and you go home."
"Christ!" said Seamus, "That sounds great. Have you been
before?" "No," said Murphy, "but my sister has!".
************
Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control
your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.

Husband: How does that help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush.

************
Q: Why did the blonde get confused in the the bathroom? A: She is not used to pulling her own pants down.
************
A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer. When the first golfer gets to his ball, he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss. "I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore," says the first golfer. "That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time to yell 'OH, SHIT!"
************
The doctor approached the husband who was in the waiting room while his wife was being examined. The doctor said, "I have good news and bad news." "What's the bad news?" "Your wife has syphilis." The husband exclaimed, "What could possibly be 'good news' with a situation like that?" The doctor replied, "She didn't get it from you."

************
A 13-year-old girl was expelled from school in Beaver, Pa., in July for performing oral sex on a boy during a school bus ride home in May; her mother had challenged the expulsion, unsuccessfully arguing that the school had never specified which activities were unacceptable. Gimme a friggin break... what in the hell is wrong with these parents???
************
Why are blondes quiet when they're having sex? Because they were told not to talk to strangers




Little Buckwheat
A teacher in a one-room schoolhouse arrives one morning to find a nice red
apple on her desk with a tag tied to it saying T.O.T Knowing that she had
some not-so-nice pranksters in her class, she cautiously asked, "Can someone
explain what T.O.T. means?" Mary in the front row raised her hand to explain
it means "To Our Teacher."
The next morning the teacher finds a bigger and prettier apple than the day
before. This time there is a tag with T.O.T.W.L. written on it. She asks for
an explanation for this note and little Johnny waves his
hand to explain, "That means "To Our Teacher With Love".
The next morning she arrives to find a great big watermelon sitting on her
desk with a tag saying "F.U.C.K." Her jaw drops and she screams. "Who can
explain this?" Little Buckwheat in the back row raises his hand and says,
that means, "From Us Colored Kids.


************
Once upon a time, there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse prevented the prince from speaking or writing but for only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words. One day, he met a beautiful princess and fell madly in love with her. With the greatest difficulty, he refrained from speaking for 2 whole years so that he could look at her and say, "My darling." But at the end of these 2 years, he wished to tell her that he loved her. So he waited 3 more years without speaking, bringing the total number of silent years to 5. At the end of these 5 years, he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited another 4 years without speaking. Finally, as the 9th year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden, the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?" And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind her dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?"
************
A man was complaining to a friend, "I had it all - money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman... then, poof! It was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..."
************
A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar. "For fuck's sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!" "Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep"
************
Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
************
Q: What was one of the first obscenities ever heard on T.V.? A: "Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"
************
I was driving my car down a side street the other day when all of a sudden this cat jumped out in front of me. I hit the brakes, but I heard a thump, so I stopped. There was the cat lying right in the road. It was still alive, but I apparently had run over its tail and the force of the tire had cut it off. A lady came running out of a house screaming, "you killed my cat!" I told her, "No, he's O. K., except for the tail, and I'll fix that." I went into the trunk of my car and got out a roll of duct tape and taped the cat's tail back on. The lady immediately blushed and called the cops. A cop showed up and immediately gave me a ticket. Boy, was I pissed off. I had to go to court, and was convicted. What a bummer. All for retailing pussy in a residential area...
************
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink? A. The grip.
************

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