White Trash (I bet you thought I forgot)

The mayor of San Antonio was very worried about a plague of
pigeons in San Antonio. The mayor could not remove the pigeons
from the city. All of San Antonio was full of pigeon poop. The
people of San Antonio couldn't walk on the sidewalks or drive on
the roads. It was costing a fortune to try to keep the streets and
sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.
"I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost
to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions.
Or, you can pay me one million dollars and ask one question."

The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free
proposition. The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall,
opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon
circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Texas sky.

All the pigeons in San Antonio saw the blue pigeon. They gathered
up behind the blue pigeon. The San Antonio pigeons followed the
blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city. The next day the
blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall.
The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man and the blue
pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid San Antonio
of the plague of pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the
mayor presented him with a check for one million dollars and told
the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though
they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons,
he decided to pay the one million just to get to ask ONE question.
The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his question.
The mayor asked:

"Do you have a blue Mexican?"


Billy Joe and Billy Ray went to the big city to get jobs.
They had been friends since they were kids, so they decided to apply at
the same firm.

They had finished filling out the applications and were waiting to see
the owner. Billy Ray was called in first.

The owner was a stout man, with a weathered face and a scar above his
right eye. He also had the distinguishing feature of having no ears,
just two tiny holes in the sides of his head.

The man ordered Billy Ray to sit down. He leaned across the desk and
moved his cigar to the corner of his mouth. He growled at Billy Ray,

"This is a tough business. You have to be on your toes, keen, and
observant. Look around the room and tell me what you notice!"

Billy Ray looked at the polished glass, chrome furniture, and large bar.
He looked at the owner and said,

"You ain't got no ears!"

The owner jumped out of his chair, grabbed Billy Ray by the neck and
threw him out of his office.

Billy Joe saw Billy Ray come flying out the door and went over to help
his friend up.

"What happened?"

Billy Joe told him, "What ever you do - don't talk about his ears!"

Just then, the intercom buzzed and the secretary told Billy Joe he could
go in.

Once again the owner ordered Billy Joe to sit down. He
leaned across the desk and moved his cigar to the corner of his mouth.
He growled at Billy Joe, just as he did with Billy Ray,

"This is a tough business. You have to be on your toes, keen, and
observant. Look around the room and tell me what you notice!"

Billy Joe looked at the polished glass, chrome furniture, and large bar.
He looked at the owner and said,

"You wear contacts!"

The owner stood up in amazement. "That's awesome
perception! How could you tell that from way over there?"

"It's obvious," said Billy Joe. "You can't wear glasses. . . .

because you ain't got no ears!"
************
I'm Joe Friday, private eye. I work on Tuesday, Tuesday's my secretary. Yesterday I was working in my New York office when there was a knock at the door, scared me half out of my secretary. Then a tall blonde walked by, I knew she was tall 'cause we were on the 7th floor. The phone rang. It was a client. I knew something was wrong because she told me there was.I raced down the stairs, called a taxi, the taxi stopped with a jerk, the jerk got out and I got in. We took the corner at 80 miles an hour. A cop stopped us and told us to put it back. Then we were driving on the sidewalk because there was a sign that said "keep deaths off the roads."We were getting further out of the city. I knew this because we weren't hitting so many pedestrians.When I got to my client's house she greeted me with a burning kiss. Then she took her cigarette out and kissed me again.There was a man on the floor. He had bullet wounds to the head and stab wounds to the heart. He was dead so we went for a drive in the country. Then a brick came through the window, hit her on the left tit and broke four of my fingers. We got a flat tire. She pumped and I pumped, she pumped and I pumped. Then we got out and fixed the tire.When we got back to my clients house she invited me in for a root beer. The root was nice but the beer was flat.I was giving her a goodnight kiss but she closed her legs and broke my glasses.


WHY AM I MARRIED?

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable
or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."


A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."


When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.


A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished


A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."


A young son asked,
"Is it true dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.


If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

"A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death "



Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it. Caution... They Walk Among Us!
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....! "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said..."where???" They Walk among us!!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." They Walk Among Us!!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" .. They Walk Among Us!!!
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". They Walk Among Us!!!!
I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half pound sirloin. She informed me they only had an 8 ounce sirloin. Not wanting to make a scene, I told her I would take the 8 ounce steak instead of the half-pounder. They walk among us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk... They Walk Among Us!!!!!
My friends and I were on a Pepsi run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.... They Walk Among Us!!!!!!
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned... They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "Has your plane arrived yet?"... They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces. " Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!! Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce!!!!
************
Jack came home in great excitement and said to his wife, "Jill, love, you'll never believe it, dear, but I've discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking." "Really," she said , interested at once. "What is it?" "Back to back," Jack replies "But that's crazy. We can't do anything back to back." "Yes we can," he says. "I've persuaded another couple to help out!"
************
2. It was a terrible night, blowing cold and snow in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet, freezing, and bedraggled. As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two poppy seed bagels to go, please?" The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?" "That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Sherry." "Sherry is your wife?" asked the baker. "What do you think," snapped the little man, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"
************
There was a very wealthy 70 year-old man who had just married a beautiful 25-year-old young lady. One of his long time friends said to him, "How did you get that gorgeous woman to marry a 70 year-old guy like you?" The man leaned over and said to his friend, "It was easy. I simply told her that I was 90 and had heart problems."


GREAT STORY!!!!! ....and with a moral at the end

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a
belly button; in its place was a golden screw. All the
doctors told his mother that there was nothing they
could do.

The boy never understood why it was there, but like
it or not, he was stuck with it. All the years of growing
up were real tough on him, because all who saw the
screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his
house and thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told
him of a Swami in Tibet who could get rid of the screw
for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his
life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal .

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came
upon a giant Monastery. The Swami knew exactly why
he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower
of the Monastery and the following day, when he awoke,
the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.
During the night, while he slept, a purple haze floated in
an open window bearing, in its mist, a golden screwdriver.
In just a few moments, the screw-driver removed the
screw and then disappeared out of the window.

The next morning, when the boy awoke, he saw the golden
screw lying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he
felt his navel, and found that there was no screw there!
Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, and his butt fell off.

The moral of this story is: Don't screw around with things
you don't understand - you could lose your ass