An extraordinary event was witnessed at a Memphis branch Union
Planters bank today. Heather Williams of Germantown pulled up to
the drive-thru ATM, put her card in, withdrew cash and then her
card, and pulled away in mind-boggling two minutes and 48
seconds. Ms. Williams set a new world record for "Female Drive-
Thru ATM Withdrawal."
ATM Officials were giddy at the site of this remarkable woman.
"Oh, man, I knew there was something special right when she
pulled up!" Bank Manager Brian Sontag gushed. "She nailed
positioning her car right in front of the ATM! She didn't go too
far forward, then have to put her car in reverse, then ease back
up a little bit, then back completely out because she was too far
from the machine. Unbelievable! "
As the record breaking ATM withdrawal was taking place, Sontag
marveled at how Williams defied the dictates of style. "I was
breathless when she got the car positioned right and would have
been able to pass that story along to my grand- children. But I
almost passed out when she had her ATM card *ready* to insert!
There was no digging through her purse! No fumbling with that
little white envelope that women store the card between uses. She
had it ready -- and get this -- she didn't have to check her
address book for her PIN number!!!"
Sontag shook his head, amazed. "Williams also didn't read every
screen of the ATM window. She didn't get on her cell phone and
ask guidance from her best friend on the best denominations to
Sontag continued. "While the ATM was processing her request,"
Sontag sits, obviously overcome with disbelief, "Ms. Williams
didn't start touching up her makeup! There was no adjusting of
the rear view mirror, no fumbling through her purse for some
lipstick. This had an enormous effect on her record breaking run
since she didn't have to put all of that crap away when the money
When the money popped out of the ATM, Sontag reports, Williams
was ready. "As I said, she wasn't putting on her makeup. She was
studying the machine and when that money came out, she removed
it. Pressed the button to let it know she didn't want any other
transactions -- and, because she never took her car out of
'drive', she didn't put the car in *reverse* and back up over the
guy behind her!"
Union Planters had a camera on the entire transaction and plans
to turning the film into a training video for the ATM-challenged.
Saudi Arabia's Prince Saud called Wednesday for a quick end to the
American occupation of Iraq. He's not the only one on edge. Every Arab
ruler is smearing lamb's blood on their palace door next week hoping
that George W. Bush will pass over them.
A congregant asked his Rabbi, "Rabbi, you're a man of God. So why is it
that you are always talking business when I, a businessman, am always
talking about spiritual matters when I'm not at work?" "You have
discovered one of the principles of human nature," the Rabbi replied.
"And what principle is that, Rabbi?" "People like to discuss things they
know nothing about."
What your grandmother told you
If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
If you don't eat, it will kill me.
Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
Always whisper the names of diseases.
Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
Wine needs to breathe so don't rush through the kiddish.
Never pay retail.
No one leaves a simcha hungry; but then no one leaves
with a hangover.
And what's so wrong with dry turkey?
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
A shmatta is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
Did you know that Moses had to make a third trip up to the top of Mount
Sinai? Well, on this third trip, Moses arrived at the burning bush after
much climbing, removed his sandals, kneeled and prayed to God. "Oh
mighty God, King of the Universe, your people have sent me back here to
ask you a question about the Ten Commandments. " "What question do they
have for me?" roared the voice of God. "They want to know whether the
commandments are listed according to priority."
Morty arrives home from work and as soon as he sets foot in the house,
Sadie is on to him, telling him that their friend Marvin has finally
quit smoking. "Imagine that, Morty," she says, "someone who smoked 3
packs a day for 20 years has stopped smoking all of a sudden. Now that's
what I call will power - something that you definitely don't have." But
Sadie hadn't finished. "And that's not all. I hear that Bernie, that
drunken friend of yours, is finally giving up drinking - another example
of the kind of will power that you don't have." "OK, Sadie," said Morty,
"you want to see will power, do you? Well here's will power. I am going
to sleep in the spare room from now on. I am going to prove to you that
I won't be affected at all by not sleeping with a woman." Morty keeps to
his word. One night, when he had been sleeping alone for a week, there
is a knock on his bedroom door. Morty shouts out, "What do you want?"
Sadie replies, "Marvin has started smoking again."
A guy was driving down a road and he ran out of gas. He went to the
nearest house to ask for help. As soon as the owner opened the door, it
started to pour, so the guy asked to stay overnight. The owner said,
"OK, but if you see a monster in the garage, whatever you do, don't
touch it." The man went up to the guestroom, but he was too curious. He
went down to the garage and saw the huge ugly monster. He decided to see
what it would do if he threw a rock at it or made faces. He did both but
So the man went and touched the monster. Up the monster jumped and
chased the man all over the country. When the man got to a cliff, he
thought he was going to die, so he rolled up in a tiny ball.
When the monster arrived, he touched the man and said, "You're it!"
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that
they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's
Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get
mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would
get mad.? Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden,"she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I think that if Osama thought a little American
Jewish girl could have enough love to give him a valentine, he might
start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving
people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent
valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going
all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he
didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know,"Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the
Marines could shoot that sorry dog."
Here is one person's answer to Tax Frustration. It is supposedly a real
letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of 1995's weird and bizarre
denial of dependents, exemptions and credits. The letter speaks for
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I
have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They
are evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors and
no longer my responsibility, the government should know something about
them and what to expect over the next year. Please do not try to
reassign them back to me next year and reinstate the deductions. They
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest
you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's
questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has
not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes
should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's
wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense.
While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't
run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some
Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to
drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she
possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I
have felt it best to teach her the virtues of abstinence, or in the face
of overwhelming passion and ignoring us, safe sex. This is always
uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the
future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a
rather good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax
examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February,
I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was
bringing Pat home. He and his friends were toilet papering houses. In
the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to
Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is
purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to
deal with it. You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few
days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I'll
take care of filing your phone number with the vice- principal. Oh yes,
he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of
testosterone, and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your
home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls,
explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (They
find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out
the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by
magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She
came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads,
sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately, you will be
raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading
courses. "Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the school has dropped it.
But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount
of the deduction that you are denying me! It's quite obvious that we
were terrible parents (ask the other two). She cannot speak English.
Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out
of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/ yuppie/political double speak.
The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's.
It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats
backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more
times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am
sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she
sort of "nests" in her room, and I think that it would be easier to move
the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get
to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest
two; I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am
free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling
before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I
won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy.
Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have
already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in
additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.
Name withheld to protect the sane.
(Allegedly, the IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.)
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