Saturday Nite Laughes

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes
Because I know I'm not dumb ...
And I also know that I'm not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women,
But you hardly ever see a smart woman with
A dumb guy.
-Erica Jong-

My husband and I are either going to buy a
Dog or have a child. We can't decide to
Ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
-Rita Rudner-

I've been on so many blind dates,
I should get a free dog.
-Wendy Liebman-

Never lend your car to anyone to
Whom you have given birth.
-Erma Bombeck-

If high heels were so wonderful,
Men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til
Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-

I think, therefore I'm single.
-Lizz Winstead-

When women are depressed they either eat
Or go shopping. Men invade another country.
-Elayne Boosler-

Behind every successful man is
a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-

I base most of my fashion taste on
What doesn't itch.
-Gilda Radner-

In politics, if you want anything said,
Ask a man;
If you want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on
How to combine marriage (or parenthood)
And a career.
-Gloria Steinhem-

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
- Gloria Steinhem-

I never married because there was no need.
I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband.
I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
-Marie Corelli-

Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
-Baroness Edith Summerskill-

If men can run the world, why can't they stop
Wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start
The day by tying a little noose around your neck?
-Linda Ellerbee-

I am a marvelous housekeeper.
Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-


Redneck Pick-up lines
1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away.
2) Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.
3) My Love for you is like diarrhea ... I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.
6) If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.
7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty Is only a light switch away.
8) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.
9) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
10) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
11) If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
************
Maxine took her car to her mechanic. She told him "Every time I take any of my friends out in my car, after a while there is this terrible smell !! . It never happens when I am on my own"
This quite intrigued the mechanic so he said, "OK, lets go for a spin and see what the problem is". Off they went. She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 70 MPH, swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians in pedestrian crossings, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic duty. They returned to the shop and she said, "There it is now, there's that terrible smell. Can you smell it?"

"Smell it? Lady, I'm sittin' in it !!

*********
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk."
As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop. I forgot to bring birth control!"
"No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."
After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her. I always knew she didn't trust me!"
*********
At one local church, Jack was in charge of taking up the offerings. One Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found it was smaller than anticipated. So he questioned Jack. He told him that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation.
Jack said that he did not take any of the offering. The priest again questioned him and again he said that he did not take any of the offering.
So the priest said "get in the confessional" which Jack did.
Then the priest asked him did you take any of the offering and this time he said "I can't hear you".
Again the priest asked "Jack did you take any of the offering?" Again Jack answered "I can't hear you".
This time the priest yelled, "JACK DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING"
Again Jack answered "I can't hear you".
By this time the priest was getting a little angry so he came out of the confessional and said, "Jack trade places with me and you can ask me a question."
So they traded places and Jack asked, "I hear that you and my wife are having an affair, is that true?"
To which the priest answered,
"By Golly you can't hear in here."


Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside
the local town hall where a flower show was in
progress. One leaned over and said, "Life is so boring.
We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my
clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely
naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion
inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst
out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and
really good with the kids."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living w ith for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact
words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long
it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute.."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter- word the doctor used in
surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a
display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an
all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."



Some Really Bad Puns (Don't shoot the messenger)

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything.

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing the ir recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.