Have a Laugh on Me

Russian President Putin called President George W.
Bush with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.
"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"
"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do
anything within their power to help you,' replied the President.
"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you
possibly send
1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.
"Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10"
long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin.
"No problem," replied the President and, with that,
George Dubya hung up and called the President of
condom company. "I need a favor, you've got to send
1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the President of condom
company.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10"
long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?
"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN TEXAS, USA, SIZE SMALL' on each one."



Q. What should you do if you stub your toe?
A. Call a toe truck!

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Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He
surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him
after an encounter with a porcupine.
After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he
returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.
"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.
"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with
you Maine people, you're always trying to over-charge summer visitors.
Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"
"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."
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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because
he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put
a note under the windshield wiper that read"
"I have circled this block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my
appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned 2 hours later, he found a citation from a police
officer along with this note:
"I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll
lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish
horse-driven carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because
attached to the back of the carriage was a hand-painted sign:
"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step
in exhaust."



Two American ministers traveling in Germany decided to go to church one Sunday morning. Speaking no German, they decided to play it safe by doing whatever the dignified-looking gentleman in front of them did.
During the service, the pastor made a special announcement and the man in front of the ministers arose. The two ministers stood up quickly,
only to be met with roars of laughter from the rest of the congregation.
After the service, they found the pastor spoke some English.
"What was so funny?" asked one of the ministers.
The pastor replied, "I was announcing a baptism and asked the father of the child to stand up."
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Q. What do you get when you cross chocolate powder with a magic dragon?
A. Cocoa Puffs.

Q. Why didn't the salad joke make it into the book?
A. It got tossed.

Q. What do you get when you cross an ear of corn with a spider?
A. Cob webs.

Q. What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titantic?
A. Halfway.

Q. Would Little Miss Muffet share her curds?
A. No whey!!


A salesman, engineer, and a technician are driving just outside of town
when they get a flat tire. The three get out of the car and scratch
their heads.
The salesman says,
"Maybe I should walk into town and get us a new tire. I know that I can
bargain with the man at the parts store and get us a great deal."
The engineer stops him, saying,
"No, before you do that, we'll have to do some computations; figuring
the grade of the road, the asphalt temperture, and the average rate of
speed we will be travelling, to know what kind of tire you should buy."
The technician just laughs and shakes his head. . .
"No, no, no! What's wrong with you guy's? We have a spare tire right in
the trunk -- now all we have to do is start swapping tires until we find
the flat one."
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Two cadets at an Arizona Air force academy were bragging in their off
time about what good hunters they were.
Well, it seems that they decided to have a contest, and whoever won the
contest would be accounted the better hunter. To make the things a
little more interesting, they each put up a pint of the best whiskey
they could find.
There had been rumors that a lion had escaped the local zoo and was
roaming around loose in the desert that surrounded the academy. The
contest was that whoever bagged the lion and brought it back to base was
the winner.
The first cadet borrowed a large hunting rifle and set about hunting
down the lion in the conventional manner.
The second cadet, who was perhaps a bit more inventive than his
counterpart, secured a training jet from the local commander, loaded the
wing guns with live ammunition and headed out over the dessert in search
of the lion.
It wasn't long before he spotted it, and, from the safety of the plane,
killed it. He took the plane down, loaded the lion's body into the
copilot's seat, and headed back to base, where he promptly downed both
bottles.
Which just goes to show that a strafed lion is the shortest distance
between two pints.