Click and Comment (Overload Today.)
This hand-painted sign was seen on the back of an Amish carriage in
Pennsylvania: "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so
he called his wife to make up an excuse. After work he invited his
secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get
lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two
hours. Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for
the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked,
wondering what to tell his wife. After the man unlocked his front
door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and
promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate
animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the
dog did to my neck!" "Hell," she answered, ripping open her blouse.
"Look what he did to my boobs!"
A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs
(Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
(Southern) Poh-leece Dawg
(Southern) Circus Dawg
(Yankee) St. Bernard
(Southern) "Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg"
(Yankee) Doberman Pinscher
(Southern-2 versions) Bad Dawg, or Dobimin Pinches
(Southern) Rabbit Dawg
(Southern) Bad Dawg AND Mean As Heck Dawg. Good dawg to
guard the still.
(Yankee) Yellow Lab
(Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawg
(Yankee) Black Lab
(Southern) Duck fetchin' Dawg
(Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg
(Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg
(Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
(Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs
(Southern) Mop Dawg
(Yankee) Chinese Crested
(Southern) Nekkid Dawg
(Southern) Wienie Dawg
(Yankee) Siberian Husky
(Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg
(Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
(Southern) "What The Heck Kinda Dawg Is That?"
(Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
(Southern) Danged BIG Dawg
(Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house
(Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg
(Yankee) Any lazy dog
(Southern) Good fer nothin' Dawg
(Yankee) Any dog that's dead & buried & gone to Rainbow
(Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had
I told her that she was like a fine wine and I am like a corkscrew!
ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding
man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on
bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a
perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity
getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him
what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day
cards signed, 'Guess Who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce
lawyer," the man replies.
Q: Why don't cowboys make good lovers?
A: Because they think a good ride is eight seconds.
Bert took his dog to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm
going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped
back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" Bert replied,
"Because my mother-in-law' s arriving tomorrow, and I don't want
anything to make her think she's welcome."
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for
the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived,
examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed, " she
replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She
did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both
breasts for awhile in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get
dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have
any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his grandma, but I'm glad I came."
FACTS OF LIFE
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right.
When it comes to love and sex, men are much more
responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as
women. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important
thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells
you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you
to do certain things that may at first seem strange to
you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last ?
A: There is no average time, but anything over two
minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be
rushing your man. After your man has finished making
love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly,
and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps
another activity, such as going out with his friends to
the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of
alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his
buddies. Don't feel left out--while he's gone you can
busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his
apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an
expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
Q: What is "afterplay?"
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to
replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a
list of important activities for you to do after the
lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette,
making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few
beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out
and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not
quantity, is important, studies show this is simply
not true. The average erect male penis measures about
six centimeters. Anything longer than that is
extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's
sexual organ is seven centimeters or over, you should
go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do
everything possible to please him, such as doing his
laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an
Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it ? There's no such thing. It's a myth.
Q: Are you sure?
A: Will you stop asking so many questions? Do you distrust
men or something? Instead, prove how much you care for your
boyfriend by going out and buying him an expensive gift.
Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and children. The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank was happy to do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two X's.
He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to
private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going nowhere just for show)...you get the idea. One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by.
"So vat's the problem?" Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously.
Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. "Perhaps nothing," he said, "but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks of yours are all signed with 3 X's, but your signature of record has just 2."
Greenberg looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry about making
trouble," he said, "but my vife said that since I'm now such a high
class rich guy, I should have a middle name!"
A patient complained to his doctor,
"I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your
diagnosis." The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy,
then they'll see that I was right."
EXCERCISES TO PREPARE FOR YOUR HOSPITAL EXPERIENCE
1. Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the weed man to probe
you with his applicator.
2. Drink a quart of Sherwin-Williams Eggshell One-Coat
Coverage Interior Flat White #2. Then have your child stuff
his slinky down your throat.
3. Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign on your
front yard and lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin
with straws stuck up your nose.
4. Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practicing
your smile and repeating: "mild discomfort."
5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM
to seven AM, at which times you will alternately puncture
your wrist with a Craftsman (squarehead) screwdriver and
stab yourself with a knitting needle.
6. Remove all actual food from the house.
7. With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a
coat tree and onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the
8. Urinate into an empty lipstick tube.
Former CBS news anchor Walter Cronkite was traveling through an airport with his wife, Betsy, when he was approached by a woman who thought he looked familiar. "You know, you look a lot like Walter Cronkite before he died, only a bit heavier," she observed. "I've heard that," said the gravelly-voiced newsman, who then turned to his wife and asked, "What did Cronkite die of?" Without missing a beat, Betsy responded,
My mail is a little slow. Last month my flower seeds came
as a bouquet.