Monday

A man and his newlywed check into a mountain resort by a lake. The desk
clerk notices the "Just Married" sign still on the car. As soon as the
man gets the luggage out of the car, he hops in a boat to go fishing.
He is out all day, comes back for a quick supper, picks up his lantern
and goes back out at night. This goes on for a couple of days when the
man happens to stop by the desk. The clerk starts a conversation with
the man and mentions his behavior:
"I know it's none of my business,... but I was wondering why you weren't
in the room having sex with your new wife."
"Oh, I couldn't do that; she has gonorrhea."
"Well, what about anal sex?"
"Couldn't do that; she has diarrhea."
"There is always oral sex."
"Nope, she has pyorhea."
"Wait a second. If she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorhea, why did you
marry her?"
"That's easy. She also has worms, and I love to fish!"
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A man woke up the one morning feeling horny, and asked his girlfriend for a
shag, But she said she wasn't in the mood. So he got up, got dressed, and
went downstairs and cooked breakfast for them both. He ate his, and then
took hers up to the bedroom so she could have breakfast in bed. He was still
feeling horny, and so, after she'd finished her breakfast, he asked again
for a shag. She said she was still not in the mood. So he decided to go out
to the newsagent and buy that day's newspaper. When he got back he found her
still in bed, but with her arms and legs tied up to the bedpost. So,
thinking that she'd changed her mind, and fancied some bondage fun, he got
undressed again, and proceeded to climb into bed for some action. She asked
him what did he think he was doing, and he told her that as she was tied up,
he thought she'd changed her mind. She said "You daft bastard! - While you
were out We were robbed!"


Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident golfer
said to his caddy,
"Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me."
The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it
safe and hit a 4-iron then a wedge.
The golfer was insulted and proceeded to scream and yell at the caddy on
the tee telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how dare
the caddy under estimate his game.
So, giving in the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked
for.
He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it rolled about fifteen
yards off the front of the tee.
Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for one
hell of a putt..."
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Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to
take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In
court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" said the
lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the ..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road ..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her
down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign
and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want
to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew
she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after, a Highway
Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning,
so he went over to her. After he looked at her then he took out his gun
and shot her between the eyes.
"Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and
looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot
her. How are you feeling?'"


A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When
he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there.
The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered
off.
The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang
again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again.
This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before
running away.
The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell
rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again.
It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off.
The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and
summoned an ambulance.
He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.
The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man
what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's
attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.
The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug
going around."
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Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a snake?

A. When you run over a snake, you don't back up to make sure it's dead.

Q. How do you save a drowning lawyer?

A. Take your foot off his head.

Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why shouldn't you swerve and hit
him?

A. It might be your bicycle.

Q. What's the difference between a vampire and a lawyer?

A. A vampire sucks bloods only at night.




An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a
position as chief executive officer (CEO) of a large corporation. The
engineer was interviewed first and was asked a long list of questions,
endiing with. . .
"How much is two plus two?"
The engineer excused himself and made a series of measurements and
calculations before returning to the board room and announcing. . .
"Four!"
The physicist was interviewed next and was asked the same questions.
Again, the last question was. . .
"How much is two plus two?"
Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the
library, and did a great deal of research. After consulting with the
United States Bureau of Standards and making many calculations, he also
announced. . .
"Four!"
The lawyer was interviewed last, and again.... the final question was. .
"How much is two plus two?"
The lawyer draws all the shades in the room, looks outside to see if
anyone is there, checks the telephone for listening devices, and finally
whispers. . .
"How much do you want it to be?"
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A man approaches the sales counter of an auto parts store.
"Excuse me," he says to the clerk. "I'd like to get a new gas cap for my
Yugo."
"Sure," the clerk replies. "Sounds like a fair exchange to me."

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Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

A. Tell her a joke on Wednesday.