Friday Funnies

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Humor for the frequent flyer. Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers:
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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately! " Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f..ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight."
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: < /FONT>"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war Fritz!"
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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark that night too, -- And I didn't land."
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While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It 'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"



A visit to the ladies room. OH soooo TRUE!

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you
usually find a line of women, so you smile politely
and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check
for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is
occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in,
nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't
matter, the wait has been so long you are about to
wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented
by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You
would hang your purse on the door hook, if there
were one, but there isn't - so you carefully but
quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn
over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank
down your pants, and assume "The Stance."

In this position y our aging , toneless thigh
muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but
you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or
lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you
reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet
paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your
mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to
clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no
toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose
on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse.
That would have to do. You crumple it in the
puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the
latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which
is hanging around your neck in front of your chest,
and you and your purse topple backward against the
tank of the toilet, "Occupied!" you scream, as you
reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny,
crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your
footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the
TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.

You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too
late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every
imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat
because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that
there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled
if she knew, because, you're certain, her bare
bottom never touched a public toilet seat because,
frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of
diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of
the toilet is so confused that it flushes,
propelling a stream of water like a fire hose
against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine
mist of water that covers your butt and runs down
your legs and into your shoes. The flush
somehow sucks everything down with such force that
you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for
fear of being dragged in too. At that point, you
give up.

You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet
toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with
a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then
slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't
figure out how to operate the faucets with the
automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit
and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of
women, still waiting. You are no longer able to
smile politely to them.

A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a
piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe.
(Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the
paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and
tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since
entered, used and left the men's restroom. Annoyed,
he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your
purse hanging around your neck?"

. . .This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal
with a public restroom (rest??? you've got to be
kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what
really does take us so long. It also answers their
other commonly asked question about why women go to
the restroom in pairs It's so the other gal can
hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you
Kleenex under the door!!
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Short and Funny
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
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Aspire to inspire before you expire.
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My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
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Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
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Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.
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The irony of life is that, by the time
You're ,old enough to know your way
Around, you're not going anywhere.
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God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
Of an answer for her first question.
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I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
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Every morning is the dawn
Of a new error.



God's Country...
Aug. 12
Moved to our new home in Colorado. It is so beautiful here. The Mountains are so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them. God's Country. I love it here!
Oct. 14
Colorado is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning colors. I love the golden color show. Went for a ride up into the mountains and spotted some deer. They are so graceful, certainly they are the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be Paradise…I love it here!
Nov. 11
Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquility. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here!
Dec 2
It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won) and when the snowplow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Mother nature in perfect harmony. I love Colorado!
Dec 12
More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his trick again (that rascal). A winter wonderland…I love it here!
Dec 19
More snow last night…Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work this time! I'm exhausted from shoveling. That damn snowplow!
Dec 22
More of that white stuff fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow man hides around the corner and waits until I'm done shoveling this driveway. Jerk!
Dec 25
"White Christmas" my busted ass! More friggen snow. If I ever get my hands on that disconcerting man who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll castrate him. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt this friggen ICE!
Dec 28
More white shit last night. Been inside since Christmas Day except for shoveling out the driveway every time "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't go anywhere, cars buried in a mountain of snow. The weatherman says to expect another 10" of the stuff tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10" is?
Jan. 1
Happy Damn New Year, the weatherman was wrong (again). We got 34" of the white shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before the 4th of July. The snowplow got stuck up the road, and the shithead had the balls to come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel. After I told him I've broken 6 shovels already, shoveling all the crap he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one over his damn head!
Jan. 4
Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back, a damn deer ran in front of the car and I hit the thing. Did about $3,000 worth of damage to the car. Those damn beasts ought to be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.
May 3
Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rotting out from all that damn salt they keep dumping all over the road? Car looks like a piece of shit!
May 10
Moved to Florida! I can't imagine why anyone in their damn mind would ever want to live in that God forsaken State of Colorado!
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Q and A Chips
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Q: Why were lesbians created?
A: So feminists couldn't reproduce!

Q: Why did god give women nipples?
A: To make suckers out of men.

Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

Q: Why do gay men have mustaches?
A: To hide the stretch marks.

Q: What do you call a guy with a one inch dick?
A: Justin.

Q: Why haven't they cremated Colonel Sanders yet?
A: They can't decide whether to do him regular or crispy.

Q: What did the wife do when she found out her husband was
gay?
A: She turned around and took it like a man.

Q: What's the difference between a boxer and a woman?
A: A boxer stands up to get knocked down and a woman lies
down to get knocked up.


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One day Little Johnny got curious and asked his mother,
"Where do white babies come from?"

His mother answered "The stork."

Little Johnny then asked, "Where do black babies come from?

"His mother replied "Ravens."

Then Little Johnny asked, "Where do no babies come from?"

And his mother said, "Swallows."

The bar was getting ready to close, so Jim asked
the nearest woman, "What would you say to a little
'oral' activity?"

"That all depends," she quickly responded. Your face,
or mine?"

A woman goes into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne.
She takes the first glass and pours the champagne down the
back of her skirt. The bartender looks amazed as she pours another glass
and again tips it down her skirt back.

Finally, the bartender asks, "Why are you pouring your drinks down your
skirt?"

"Well," the woman replies, "I've just won the lottery and this is the
only asshole I'm sharing it with."
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A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy
new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials.
The woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a really fancy
watch."

"Thanks," says the guy, "It's the cutting edge of
technology. I can telepathically ask this watch
anything I want to know, and it'll answer me,
telepathically. "

"Rubbish, you're having me on," says the girl.

"No, it's true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what,
I'll prove it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties
on." The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating
hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it says you
haven't got any panties on."

"Well, it's wrong," says the girl, "I do have panties
on."

"Damn," says the guy, slapping his watch, "it's an hour
fast!"